


Stay Alive

by RiverRaySong



Series: Illusions [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Angst, Anxious Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Blood and Gore, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Body Horror, Bulimia, C!Thomas Sanders Angst, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Angst, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Needs a Hug, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders-centric, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Angst, Depression, Drowning, Everything is going to shit, Gore, Horror, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Insecure Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Knives, M/M, Minor Injuries, Morality | Patton Sanders Angst, Morality | Patton Sanders Needs a Hug, Morality | Patton Sanders is a Sweetheart, Nudity, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, THIS IS GONNA BE A DOOZY, The Imagination Room (Sanders Sides), along with Roman, yep Thomas is the main character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:14:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 47,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27634619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiverRaySong/pseuds/RiverRaySong
Summary: ~A Sanders Sides dark fantasy fanfic~ Remus ducks out, causing Thomas to make some poor choices. Roman, Logan, and Janus realize they must delve into the dark side of the Imagination to find Remus before Thomas self-destructs.
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Nico Flores/Thomas Sanders
Series: Illusions [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2080905
Comments: 42
Kudos: 104





	1. The Gate of Velocity

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic will be the first of a two-book series, but it is not necessary to read this book before #2.
> 
> This fanfic contains disturbing topics. If any of the following warnings specify one of your triggers, do not read. Reader discretion advised.
> 
> TWs: Bruising, mentions of sex, mentions of sex toys, depression, self-starving, anorexia, body dysmorphic disorder, carrots, puking, usage of uncensored swearing, knives, thoughts of self-harm, nudity, rape, drowning, injuries, gore, and suicidal thoughts.
> 
> That is all. Enjoy this fanfic.

**_Roman:_ **

Today was as regular a day as any other day, but that was just how it seemed at the moment. Roman couldn’t stop buzzing with energy, even though that wondrous date with Nico had occurred a few nights before. Oh, how he wished Thomas could spend all his days with him! Nico was their dream prince who had come just at the right moment to save him. After meeting Nico, things had gotten better between the sides. Janus had been mostly accepted after he apologized again and again to Roman, Logan was being listened to more after he had a meltdown in the middle of one of their usual debates, Patton was opening up about his feelings, Virgil was much more enthusiastic about the good things in life, and Roman… well, let’s just say that callback didn’t matter anymore to him. Thomas had met the love of his life, and Roman couldn’t ask for anything possibly greater.

And yet… there was still a part of him that felt hollow. _Does Nico love all of Thomas? Does he love_ me _, Thomas’s passion, Thomas’s hopes and dreams?_

Oh, and Remus was starting to pop up more nowadays. He would always show up at the worst moments- usually when Nico was around. A comment on how hot Nico looked here, a mischievous eyebrow wiggle there, constantly sending Thomas into a blushing awkward state. _How is Nico supposed to reciprocate romantic feelings when Thomas is always such a mess?_ It was starting to get extremely frustrating. _He’s always meddling with my plans!_ Sometimes Roman just wished his brother would disappear forever. Even after all these months, when Roman looked at his brother… the things that Roman didn’t want to be were still there. Of course, they all had developed a slight deeper understanding that Remus existed for a reason, but sometimes it was hard to remember what exactly that reason was.

Roman was idly ruminating on some lyrics to a new song in his room when an idea sparked in his head. What if they didn’t have to wait days on end without seeing that lovely, beautiful face of Nico’s? What if Thomas could go up to him throughout the day and give those incredible kisses that always left Nico a blushing mess? _What if we ask him to move in?_ They’d been dating for _months_ now- surely the risk of asking was well worth the reward? There was most certainly enough room for him to live in Thomas’s apartment. _There’s no time to waste!_ So, Roman wrote the idea down and was instantly summoned into the living room, where an extremely excited Thomas was bouncing back and forth on his toes. Both of them squealed excitedly, and only a few moments later Patton sprung up and joined in. It was quite apparent that there was no opposition to the plan.

That was, until Virgil popped up, a nervous look on his face. “Thomas, are you sure about this? This could be the end of your relationship. He could be offended that you asked instead of waiting for him to. He could break up with you because you’re going too fast! There are so many ways this could go wrong, you can’t risk it.”

Thomas’s excitement died a little bit, and he stopped bouncing. “Ugh… you’re right, Virgil. This would be too sudden to jump on him. I can’t just randomly ask him to move in. So, then what should I do?” He looked over at Patton. _Still dependent on his heart._ Patton hummed in thought and then shrugged. “I don’t know, kiddo. I mean, I don’t think there’s a _right_ way to do this. You know him really well at this point, Thomas. Do you think he would be upset if you asked him to move in with you?”

“No…” Thomas looked down at the floor. Then he pointed at his morality, “But you said when we were talking about Lee and Mary Lee that we have to consider all options, and that we can’t know for sure how someone will act in a future situation. This is basically the same thing. Oh, gosh, I just wish I could call him right now and ask, but… this is a lot more complicated than that.” He sighed and put his hands on his hips.

Logan rose up into his usual spot. “Not necessarily. It is, in fact, normal for partners to move in together this far into a relationship. You already know Nico cares about you. Even if he didn’t want to move in, I doubt he would do as much as break up with you. As long as you keep an open mind to the possibility of a ‘no’, then your relationship should stay stable. He might even be waiting for you to ask because he’s too nervous to do it himself. The fact is, Thomas, if you never ask, then the chance of him moving in at all diminishes exponentially.”

“Perhaps,” Janus snapped into existence next to Patton, who jumped in surprise. The half-snake man raised an eyebrow at Logan. “But is it really in our best interest to gain a roommate? This apartment will no longer be only Thomas’s home- it’ll be Nico’s as well. Our freedom will be restricted by the ideas of proper behavior that Nico holds. I’m sure that Virgil would be more than willing to have to worry over doing something wrong in the one place that he feels completely safe in. Oh, and I doubt Thomas will get any more five AM rewatches of shows like _The Office_.”

Everyone dissolved into bickering like usual. Roman was getting frustrated. Why did Virgil and Janus have to be so reserved about this? Of _course_ Nico would move in with them! If they didn’t take this chance _right now_ , they would never get around to it! The thought of living together was magical. There was nothing Roman wanted more! Oh, to have someone beside you to love more passionately than any dream. It would be the most wonderful thing in the world!

“Ooooh!” Remus suddenly leaped up next to Roman, causing Roman to fall into the TV. _Jesus Christ superstar!_ “Moving in together is a splendid idea! We can finally _get it on_ ~”

“Remus!” Patton gasped, a stern look on his face. “No, we will _not_!”

After standing back up and rubbing the back of his head, Roman huffed in annoyance and shoved Remus further to the side so he had more room. _Why does he have to show up_ now _of all times? Can’t he let me deal with this?_ “We’re not doing this so we can- whatever that fancy word is- copumate- whatever. That’s not the point! This is about showing our love for the man of our dreams! You sicken me. Just because he’s going to live with us doesn’t mean we’re automatically going to do that gross stuff.”

“I mean,” Remus frowned, crossing his arms, “Aren’t we dating now? Come on, it’s been like seven months! I’m surprised that _he_ hasn’t tried to start it before. If he’s moving in with you, where’s he gonna sleep? In your bed, obviously! So, why not get to know each more while you’re together at night? I mean, what else are you gonna do? Nico will want to fuck, and so do you, Thomas, because _I_ want to. There’s no escaping it!”

“No,” Thomas said firmly. Remus recoiled slightly but stayed silent as Thomas went on. “I _don’t_ want that. Maybe someday we’ll do it, but not yet. Nico hasn’t said anything about doing _anything_ like that, and I don’t want to pressure him. If I ask him to move in with me, he might think that’s what I want to do. I’ll wait for him to bring it up. Until then, we’re on our own.”

They all quietly murmured their agreement- except for Remus, of course. _Why does Remus have to ruin everything? If he hadn’t showed up, we could’ve asked Nico to move in. I hate him so much! Why does he have to take everything away from me?_ Roman hoped his glare could be felt. It must have, as Remus suddenly let out a laugh and said, “Well, then. You obviously don’t need me if you’re never going to listen to me. Have fun being lonely for the rest of your life.” And with that, he sunk out without another word.

Everyone moved on with the day without discussing Remus’s departure.

***

**_Thomas:_ **

It was a few days later that Thomas realized that something was off. Ever since that discussion, which had ended with him deciding not to do it, something in his head had been missing. He didn’t know what it was, but it was just _gone_. All of the sides were fine, though, so he didn’t think about it until Joan called him four days afterwards.

Thomas was sitting on his couch watching _Avatar: The Last Airbender_ when his phone started ringing. Pausing the episode with his remote, he accepted the call and put the phone to his ear. “Joan! What’s up? Oh, did you finish picking out the clips for the next _Reasons to Smile_ video?”

“Um, yeah,” Joan’s voice was on the quiet side. _That’s not like them…_ “But that’s not what I called you about. I’m sorry if you’re busy, but I just can’t stop thinking these really terrible things. You told me you dealt with intrusive thoughts a while back and do still to a much lesser extent, so I thought I could maybe ask you for some advice? I’d rather get some from a friend rather than, like, the Internet. What’s the best way to handle them?”

No words left Thomas’s mouth. He couldn’t speak. Well, he _could_ , but there were no thoughts in his head to voice. Intrusive thoughts? What… _were_ those? What did they feel like? _I’ve had intrusive thoughts before? I don’t remember anything about them, though._ How was he supposed to advice Joan? _Aren’t they just thoughts? I remember talking to the sides about them. I think they’re thoughts that don’t represent you. Doesn’t that mean they should be easy to get rid of?_ “Well…” he finally managed to say. “I’m not sure? I mean, you’re not who those thoughts make you seem to be. I think once you’ve accepted that, it should be easy to disregard them.”

There were a few moments of awkward silence before Joan cleared his throat. “I- I’m sorry I bothered you. I’m gonna get back to work on that video. I’ll talk to you later, bye.” The call ended less than a second later, leaving Thomas sitting alone in perplexed quiet. Slowly, he realized what that was. _I literally couldn’t imagine what intrusive thoughts are- I_ still _can’t. Those come from Remus... did he duck out?_ No- no, he wouldn’t have done that.

Janus was sitting in the corner of room, the rim of his bowler hat covering his eyes.

***

Two days later, nothing had changed. Thomas was having trouble coming up with new video ideas, and nowadays everything on the Internet seemed to be about something he didn’t understand. What was going on with him? _Remus wouldn’t have ducked out! That’s unlike him! And Janus would’ve said something if he had… right?_ Things were so confusing. _The other sides don’t think there’s anything wrong… but I can feel something missing._ That conversation with Joan had really made him uncomfortable. _Joan needed me, and I couldn’t help them._

Nico was going to visit tonight. And when the doorbell rang and he was there at the door, holding a bag of carrots with a beaming smile, Thomas felt his worries melt away. This night would be good for him. The carrots were put on the counter. Carrots had become their special thing, despite how much Thomas hated them. They were disgusting in every way, but Thomas and Nico had met because of them. Hopefully, Nico wouldn’t leave them behind.

“Oh my gosh!” Thomas exclaimed when they had gone through the kitchen. “I have something to show you! Come on!” He rushed upstairs, with Nico laughing and following close behind. Yesterday, the onesie Thomas had ordered finally came; it was a cat one! It was absolutely adorable and he’d already posted about it on his Twitter, but Nico didn’t have a Twitter, so he couldn’t have seen it. When they came into his room, Thomas went to the closet and whipped it out. “Look at this!” he grinned. “Isn’t it adorable? It even has little cat ears on the top!”

Nico snorted and nodded, “That’s what you wanted to show me? I mean, yeah, it’s cute, but I thought you had bought a PS5 by your excitement.”

“Thaaaat’s still in the mail,” Thomas admitted. He sat down on his bed and looked up at Nico. “So! What do you want to do tonight? I don’t have anything planned. Oh, I remember you said you wanted to play _Ghost of Tsushima_? I have that, if you want to play it. Or we can do something else, whatever you want!”

“Well…” Nico sat down next to him. He went quiet for a good ten seconds before taking Thomas’s hand. “I think being with you is good enough for me.” With that, he closed the gap between them and kissed Thomas. Obviously, they had kissed before, but something was different about this one. Something deeper, more passionate- how could Thomas describe it? Whatever it was, he didn’t know what to think of it. But kissing _was_ something he liked, so he went along with it and cupped Nico’s cheek with a hand, bringing them closer together. If only they could stay like this forever, their lips moving in sync, every wonderful feeling of love being communicated.

Then something strange happened. Nico reached forward breezed a hand underneath Thomas’s shirt. A shiver went down his spine. _What is he doing?_ Panic spiked through him as he realized what this was turning into. He could almost hear Virgil screaming. _I can’t do this I can’t do this I can’t do this I can’t do this!! Where’s Remus? He should be here! Why is Remus not here? Where is he?_ A million thoughts went through his head at once. His breathing quickened, and he could feel himself spiraling. How could he tell Nico to stop, though? _I don’t know what to do without Remus here!_

“Hey,” Nico pulled away a bit, retracting his hand. “Are you okay? You’re shaking.”

 _Oh no, no, no, no!_ What was he supposed to say? “I’m sorry,” were the words that his brain managed to spit out. Thomas felt like he wanted to die of embarrassment and shame. “I’m sorry, I can’t do this right now. I don’t know why, I just- it’s not- I don’t know-” _I’m acting like an idiot and a jerk! I have to pull myself together!_ “It’s not you, I just- I can’t do it. Not tonight. I don’t know when I’ll be able to, I’m sorry.”

For a moment, neither of them said anything. Then Nico stood up. “No, it’s fine, Thomas! I’m the one who should be sorry, I tried to start that without even asking you if you were okay with it. I’m really sorry. I- I should probably go. You’re probably better off calming down without me around. I can come over tomorrow- to play _Ghost of Tsushima_ , not to do… _this_.” His demeanor had become nervous. _I’m driving him away._ Thomas’s eyes widened, “Wait, you don’t have to go! We can still do that tonight!”

“It’s okay, Thomas,” Nico made his way over to the door. “It’s better if I go right now. I’m sorry for doing that to you. I’ll see you tomorrow, good night.” Before Thomas could get up to stop him, he had shut the door and Thomas heard his footsteps going downstairs. There was silence, and then the front door slammed shut. All those happy feelings had turned into an aching sense of doom. That had gone the worst way it possibly could have, and it was all Thomas’s fault. _He wanted to do it… just like Remus said he would. What have I done?_

When he went downstairs twenty minutes later, he discovered the bag of carrots still sitting on the countertop, as if it was a message that he had gotten what he deserved.

***

**_Roman:_ **

_Everything_ was wrong. The world was ending. Roman could feel his body bruising with shame and embarrassment. _Why did that have to happen?_ Why did Remus, once again, have to ruin everything? Instead of doing his job, he’d ducked out like a coward! _He’s just doing this for attention!_ Hatred festered in him as he rose up, wishing he didn’t have a black eye. But this wasn’t just a case of a bruised ego; this involved Thomas’s boyfriend, and romance was Roman’s area of expertise. _Couldn’t Patton take over for now? I just want to sleep._

Thomas was sitting in the corner of the couch, a blanket wrapped around himself. He was staring blankly at the wall, shivering. Roman was now sitting on his right, and Virgil was huddled up against Thomas on his left. His eyeshadow was black like outer space, darkness seeping into everything that touched him. He was whispering things into Thomas’s ear, and with every shuddering breath that Thomas took in, the shadows grew longer. Patton appeared next to Virgil and put a hand on his shoulder. “Virgil, it’s okay! Please, calm down, we can figure this out!”

“Indeed,” Logan was now on Roman’s right. He straightened his glasses. “I’ve been trying to make sense of Thomas’s odd behavior lately, but only now does it make sense. Remus ducked out, leaving Thomas without his ‘forbidden’ creativity. He can no longer imagine anything that he associates with Remus. Sex, gore, murder, intrusive thoughts- he doesn’t know what any of that means anymore because Remus is gone.”

 _I’m not good enough to let him think about those things?_ Roman _hated_ that. Why couldn’t he do it all on his own? Why wasn’t he good enough for Thomas? “I’m sorry,” he chokes out. “I should’ve been able to take Remus’s place, I should’ve just- just-” _Ignored the urge to claw out my eyes when I would’ve seen them doing it? Refused to puke? Banish the thoughts of never wanting to have sex with anyone ever?_ Romanticism was Roman’s department, and sex was Remus’s. Ever since Roman had been created, the thought of sleeping with someone had scared the wits out of him. _But if I can’t get over that, then how is Thomas supposed to reconcile with Nico? I’m just going to fail him again._

“Roman,” Logan put a hand on his shoulder. “There’s nothing for you to apologize for. None of us can replace a different side, otherwise, why have so many of us? The only one to blame here is Remus for ducking out. Although, I don’t understand why he would do so. Is he trying to make a point, or is he dealing with a deeper issue?”

Patton wasn’t succeeding at trying to distract Virgil. He moaned in distress. “I don’t know, but why did Nico leave like that? So what if we didn’t want to get icky? We could’ve done so many other fun things instead. But…” he looked at the floor. “We did come across weirdly. What if he thinks it’s his fault for us not wanting to do that with him? We have to go apologize to him! We have to call him right now!”

“ **No** ,” Virgil hissed loudly in his Tempest Tongue. Everyone jumped a little. He only sounded like that in dire situations. _This is pretty dire._ “ **Nobody’s calling anybody. We’ve ruined everything, he’ll never want to talk to us again. We should just go upstairs and sleep for the rest of our lives and never see the light of day again.** ” The darkness was now tainting Thomas, his clothes withering to the color of night and his skin turning gray. Thomas’s breathing was getting more sporadic. Patton leaned over to Virgil. “Virgil, please calm down, you’re going to give Thomas a panic attack! Please, we’re here for you. We can figure all of this out. Take a deep breath, in for four seconds.”

 _Why did I have to fail like this?_ Roman curled in on himself. The bruises all over his body were still throbbing, making it painful to move. _I have to make it up to Thomas. I need to find Remus and bring him back. But where would he be?_ In his room? Maybe… but Roman knew better than that. Remus would die of boredom if he were to stay in his room for more than a few hours. The more likely place was in his side of the Imagination. _When was the last time I went there?_ It had been a long time. Roman didn’t go in unless it was an emergency- which this definitely was. “He’s probably in the Imagination,” Roman murmured. “Remus, I mean. If Thomas is going to be normal again, we have to get him back.”

“Yes,” Logan agreed, standing up. “We’ll need to search for him. The question is, how do we get in? There must be a door somewhere.”

Before Roman could reply, the final side popped into existence next to Logan. It was Janus; his demeanor was messy, and there were bags under his eyes. His cape was hanging mostly from one shoulder and his bowler hat was almost falling off his head. _What happened to him? He looks exhausted!_ Janus crossed his arms. “Finally, you’ve all decided to be decent. Let’s go find Remus.”

“Wait,” Patton furrowed his eyebrows, “What?”

Janus rolled his eyes. “I would’ve gone looking in the Imagination myself the moment he ducked out, but unfortunately, you need a being of the Imagination itself to get in. I knew none of you would think it was serious, let alone Roman, so I waited until something like this happened. You’re all so stupid! If Thomas has a side, then he obviously needs it. Maybe you should actually listen to Remus for once and accept that he’s a part of Thomas!

 _Does he think that I don’t feel guilty?_ “Yes,” Roman huffed, “Fine, we know. So, is it just me and you or is anyone else coming?”

Logan gestured to himself. “I should go along to make sure you two don’t get into trouble. I’m the only one who can effectively shatter Remus’s illusions. Patton and Virgil should stay behind with Thomas- if something bad happens to us, then he’ll still have them. Roman, Janus, is there anything about the Imagination that I should know about? I would rather not go in without an idea of what we’re going to find.”

The two of them exchanged glances. What would be the best way to describe it? _I don’t want to upset Thomas…_ After a good twenty seconds, Janus sighed. “It’s a place where all of Thomas’s intrusive thoughts come from. Thoughts about dangerous things, gross things, and… scary things. You’re lucky I’ve been there a lot, otherwise you’d never make it that far from the Gate of Velocity. You’d probably die in the Isle of a Thousand Teeth, and even if you made it past there, you’d be cut up into little, tiny pieces in the Ruins of the Bloodied Knives. Basically, Remus’s Imagination is the place where all the things that Thomas doesn’t want to think about and actively represses live and thrive. This isn’t going to be like when Thomas was first introduced to Remus, Logan. I don’t know what our being there will do, or whether we’ll even find him. But I will try my best to guide you. Thomas needs us.”

No one responded to that. Roman was starting to feel sick to his stomach. _Everything that Thomas represses? That sounds horrible. How many things does Thomas repress?_ The way Janus talked about the dark Imagination, it sounded like it was an entire world. This adventure was not going to be a fun one. _What would happen to Thomas if one of us got killed? Is it even possible for us to die? It can’t be! We’re figments of Thomas imagination!_

“We’ll go when Thomas is asleep,” Janus repositioned his hat. “It’ll be easier that way.”

So, it was decided. Thomas climbed up the stairs to his bedroom, slowly getting in bed. He pulled the sheets over himself and squeezed his eyes tightly shut. Roman watched with a growing sense of dread. Something bad was going to happen. When Thomas’s light snores sliced the silence of the room, Janus took a hand each from Logan and Roman, closing his eyes. “The door is always in Remus’s room- we’ll have to look around for it there.” The room around them shuddered and groaned. The walls began to move, and Patton and Virgil disappeared, evidently being left behind in the real world. The carpet turned red, blood foaming into their shoes. Green vines stretched out through cracks in the ceiling- when had those been there? As the room began to materialize, Janus let go of their hands and motioned around with his hands. “Start looking! It always switches places. I would try the closet first.”

The three of them began to search. Roman tried to ignore the entire room. It was horrifying, disgusting, revolting- everything bad. When he opened the top drawer of the desk in the corner, he found it to be full of sex toys. He immediately slammed it shut and took a deep breath. _Where is that stupid gate?_ The Gate of Velocity was the drop-off into Remus’s Imagination; if you stepped through it, you’d fall into the Isle of a Thousand Teeth. Both times Roman had gone in before, Remus had been at the landing point and there was no need to explore further. The last time he’d gone in, the gate had been through a trap door underneath the bed. That had certainly not been a fun way to enter. After forcing the images of the sex toys out of his head, Roman went over to the closet and opened it carefully.

Surprisingly, Janus had been right. The closet had been replaced with empty air. It looked as if Thomas’s room was suspended a good seven miles up in the sky. Far, far below was the Isle of a Thousand Teeth- from where Roman was, it looked as big as his fist. “Guys,” he said. Janus and Logan quickly came over, and Janus narrowed his eyes. “I was making a joke about the closet. He’s never ‘hidden’ it in such an obvious spot before because it’s the default. Something’s definitely wrong with him.” He went quiet for a moment before continuing. “You all owe him the biggest apology when we bring him back.”

“Yeah,” Roman and Logan said in unison. The half-snake man raised an eyebrow, “Ready?”

Both of them nodded, and Janus leapt off into the Imagination, pulling them with him as he fell through the large, blue sky.


	2. Stay Calm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas spends the morning with just Virgil and Patton.

**_Thomas:_ **

Waking up the next morning felt like falling asleep- the time of awakening was unknown.

When Thomas opened his eyes, he didn’t feel his usual dread of getting up. Nor did he feel the urgency to get up and start his daily schedule. He continued to lay in bed, feeling the edges of his mind go blank as his eyes drifted shut. The bed was so warm, the mattress and pillow so soft. He didn’t need to get up. He didn’t _want_ to get up. What was going to be so special about this day? If he got up, he would have to go through so many motions that, right now, felt like would be so terribly exhausting. Thomas was already so tired. After what had happened last night… _I screwed everything up. Nico will forever treat me like I’m porcelain with that kind of thing._

So, he stayed there for two hours. Half awake, half asleep, he laid in bed and stared at either the wall on his right or the ceiling above him. The white walls seemed to expand into a void of emptiness, and he was staring straight into it. His thoughts wandered aimlessly, becoming a sort of lucid dream. It was much better than getting up and moving on with his day. The void of worries and scrambled feelings was nice to wallow in. They were dragging him in deeper and deeper with each passing moment, but he didn’t care.

Eventually, his stomach started growling. His want for food was greater than his anxiety, so he got out of bed. For the first time, when Thomas opened his shirt drawer, he didn’t grab the top shirt and take off for the shower. Instead, he stared down into it for a good five minutes, unable to choose between them. Choosing was too much work. Which one was best? His _Steven Universe_ one, his skull one, or one of his thousands of flower ones? In the end, he shut the drawer without getting one and went to the stairs, deciding to opt out of a shower. _Too much work._

The stairs seemed a lot taller than they had last night. It was a gaping chasm. Did he really want to walk _all the way_ down there? _Maybe I should just go back to bed._ No, he was too hungry. So, Thomas grabbed ahold of the railing and inched his way down the steps, almost letting himself fall forward. _That would certainly be a lot faster, but also too painful._ He really didn’t feel like breaking a leg today. It seemed like an eternity before he reached the ground floor, and he simply stood there for a couple minutes. _I made it down here._ He wanted to go back to sleep. _Groooowl!_ Unfortunately, that was not going to happen.

The kitchen was empty, per usual. The bag of carrots remained on the counter from last night. He was too tired to throw them away or even put them away, so he ignored them and opened the fridge. _What should I eat?_ There were so many things to choose from. He didn’t want to make something complicated, but he wanted something that tasted good. Maybe he could order a pizza? _No… I don’t want to talk to anyone._ Calling would take more effort than making something himself. He continued to stand in front of the fridge, holding the door open as cold air rushed onto him. Once again, deciding on something had become extremely difficult. Quesadillas? Burritos? PB&J sandwich? Toast? _Toast sounds nice._ He could even make coffee while waiting for the toast to come up. _No, too tiring._

Once the butter and a butter knife were on the cutting board, Thomas stuck his bread in the toaster and sat on the counter. He rested his head against the cupboard behind him, watching as the inside of the toaster turned red hot. This was the quietest morning he had ever experienced in his life. _Why is that?_ There was something missing, but he couldn’t remember what it was. Did he usually call someone this early? Did he start watching a show or working by now? Then it dawned on him. _I haven't hummed or sang once since I woke up._ Maybe that was because he hadn’t taken a shower, but even when he began to hum _Put on Your Sunday Clothes_ , he just didn’t feel into and stopped after a minute. Why did he feel so tired today? _I didn’t stay up late, but I feel too exhausted to do anything._ Maybe after he ate something, he could go back to bed.

The toast popping up startled Thomas. He slid off the counter and tried to take out the slices of bread but dropped them back inside at the hot touch of them. _Ouch!_ Sighing, he leaned against the fridge and drummed his fingers against the handle. The morning was slow, but he didn’t know how to make it go faster. He didn’t _want_ it to go faster. The pace was nice, and his mind grew more numb with each passing minute. Finally, he snatched the bread and brought it to the cutting board.

Was the rest of the day going to be like this? The silence of the apartment was deafening. It felt like it was crushing him on all sides. But he didn’t care enough to fight it, didn’t start talking or singing to distract himself. The silence felt better. The only sound that cut through it was the knife spreading butter on his bread. _Scrape, scrape, scrape._ Over and over, until both slices were completely covered. For a minute, he contemplated his food, and then he put the butter back in the fridge and washed off the knife. Once that was done, he went and sat down on the couch, nibbling on his skimpy breakfast.

Time passed, but Thomas didn’t know how much. He’d left his phone upstairs, so he couldn’t check the hour. As he chewed on his food, his mind wandered. Nothing was happening. Not a single noise came from the apartment around him. There was nobody around him, nobody talking, not even the TV. It felt wrong, but he didn’t care right now. If everything else was wrong, why shouldn’t his morning be too? After last night’s fiasco, he wasn’t sure feeling happy was going to be an option. _I need to work on the_ Reasons to Smile _video… maybe that will make me feel better?_ So, he took his laptop off the coffee table and set it in his lap, pressing the power button. As it booted up, he sighed. _Today is going to be a long day._

Going through the short clips sent in by fans was more than tiring. Nothing they were saying made him smile or chuckle, which gave him no incentive to add them to the video. There were so many of them, too- would he make some fans upset by not including their clips? _It would be better called_ Reasons Not to Smile _… Maybe we shouldn’t make this video._ No, no- the fans were expecting this video from them, so they couldn’t back out now. But Thomas wasn’t getting any work done. He was simply putting on the clips and letting his mind wander as they played, not paying them any attention. _I’m not getting anything done, so I should do something else._

Solitaire caught his eye. As Thomas moved cards around and realized that this was going to be a regular game where he lost, he thought about the night before. Poor Nico… his hopes had been up, and it had been the perfect night for them to do it. After all these months, Nico had decided to take a chance, and what had Thomas done? Turned him down. _Of course he left, he must think it’s his fault. I just wish he could’ve stayed so I could explain it to him._ Thomas had kept the sides a secret for now- that was something he thought might be best to keep tucked away during the first stages of their relationship. But this was too important. Remus ducking out was going to have major consequences- it already _did_ have them. Nico deserved an explanation. Yes, obviously Nico had watched _Sanders Sides_ , but Thomas knew that he’d assumed it was just for show. _If only he knew._ The sides and their effects on him were very real, to a certain extent. _I wonder how he’ll take it… I hope he doesn’t think I’m crazy._

After losing six games of Solitaire, Thomas gave up and shut his laptop. It was already 11 AM, and he hadn’t completed a single productive task. _Should I film something? No. I doubt the fans want to see me like this._ I _don’t want to see me like this._ So, what should he do? Play a video game? Watch a TV show? _That’s it._ He still hadn't seen the last few episodes of _Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts_ S3. Maybe after watching that he’d feel motivated to finish the _Reasons to Smile_ video. Yet, something in his heart knew that it wouldn’t. He turned on the TV anyway and put on the next episode of the show, leaning back on the couch as it started.

Patton softly materialized beside him. His hair was messier than usual, his glasses smudged and beginning to fall off. He was wearing his wrinkled cat hoodie, and a grim, weary look was on his face. “Good choice, kiddo,” Patton patted Thomas’s arm and cuddled up to him. They both smiled sadly at one another. They were both feeling the same thing: that big void of sadness. It had drawn them both in, but at least they had each other to comfort.

About halfway through the episode, Virgil appeared on Thomas’s other side- and boy, was he in bad shape. His bangs completely hid his eyes, although Thomas could see that his pitch-black eyeshadow went down past his cheekbones. The hood of his jacket was over his head, and the front was zipped up. He wasn’t wearing any shoes. Without saying a word, Virgil clung onto Thomas’s other arm. Then he whispered, “Should you really be watching this right now when you have so many other things to do and fix?”

“You _know_ he needs to relax,” Patton murmured back. “Thomas is hurting, Virgil. You should know that most of all. There’s no way he can do any work right now. He’s spent two hours doing nothing but eating breakfast and playing solitaire. The least he can do is do something he might actually enjoy. Please, don’t berate him about this. I may not be an expert on self-care like Janus, but even I can see that Thomas needs a break.”

They all went quiet, focusing their attention of the TV. It had seemed Virgil wasn’t going to push the issue. _Thank goodness._ But Thomas knew that his opinion still stood. Today was supposed to have been a very busy day of hard, happy work. Now he was sitting on the couch with a blanket watching a cartoon after wasting the entire morning. _What if Joan gets mad at me for not finishing on time? Not only will they be upset that I couldn’t help them with their intrusive thoughts, but they’ll think I don’t care about this anymore. Maybe he’ll think we’re not friends anymore._ He didn’t notice that Virgil was whispering these words into his ear. By the end of their first episode, Thomas felt much worse than before. But he decided to put on another, allowing it to autoplay to the next one. Patton smiled at this, but Virgil grimaced.

It was another ten minutes before Virgil spoke again.

“Where are the others?” he mumbled. “I mean, I know they’re off in the Imagination trying to find Remus, but I can’t sense their presence in Thomas. It’s like they’ve ducked out too. That’s not supposed to happen when they’re in the Imagination, their functions should still work. Without Roman’s and Logan’s functions working, this is what Thomas is like. He’s totally unmotivated to do anything useful. How long are they going to be gone? How long will Thomas be like this?”

 _He’s right…_ Maybe that’s why Thomas didn’t have the urge to sing or to be productive? His logic and creativity had disappeared overnight- literally. Should he call them back? _No… they need to find Remus._ Thomas would just have to live like this in the meantime- it was worth it. Patton reached over and took Virgil’s hand carefully. “It’ll be okay. We can make it through this. This is just a rough patch- we’ve gone through rough patches before! As long as we keep Thomas distracted, he’ll be fine.”

Virgil ripped his hand away. “This isn’t a random rough patch, Patton! Nothing like this has ever happened before! For some reason, we’re the only sides that hold any sway over him! It’s like Janus said- Thomas needs _all_ of us! Now he’s missing four entire sides! If they don’t get back soon, something bad is going to happen and Thomas is gonna be in even deeper trouble than he is now. Keeping him distracted won’t be enough. He’s going to blunder something and lose all of his friends because all he is now is worry and feelings! No creativity, no logic, not even the ability to lie because Janus isn’t here either! What happens if we say something we didn’t really want to share? Who’s going to keep you in check, Patton? Without Janus, you might decide to make Thomas sacrifice his life for others again.”

“I won’t!” Patton objected, his face full of anguish. “I know now that what I was expecting of Thomas was too much. Which is why I think we should give him today and tomorrow off work, away from friends. But worrying over what we can’t control won’t do any good. We don’t know what’s going to happen to Roman, Logan, Janus, and Remus. All we can do right now is to take care of Thomas and let him relax.”

For a moment, the only talking came from the TV. Thomas tried to focus on it but couldn’t. Virgil hissed quietly, “Have you even met me?” But the conversation ended, thankfully. After a few minutes, Thomas realized he didn’t know what was going on in the show and he turned it off. _I need something more engaging to focus on. A video game, maybe?_ He didn’t want one that would be _too_ much work… _Bioshock would work. I’ve played it before, so I don’t need to pay too much attention._ He got his controller and booted up the game, softly smiling at the game menu. _Bioshock_ was one of his all-time favorite games- maybe it would cheer him up?

It was a much better choice than watching a TV show, but Thomas still wasn’t feeling any better. As he jumped around in-game with a pistol shooting Splicers, the mundanity of it sunk in. All the game had you do was shoot things and use special powers to make it through the storyline. Was all the killing really necessary? _Why do video games have to be like this?_ Patton was looking at the floor, seemingly unhappy, but Virgil’s tense body had relaxed slightly. _Maybe mundanity is exactly what I need right now._ Repetition, mind-numbing killing, traversing through a story he’d been through at least seven times already. Maybe he felt unfulfilled doing this, but at least it was calming him down.

From beside him, Virgil said, “Is this really how we’re going to spend the day? Doing absolutely nothing? This isn’t making us happy, so why don’t we do something else?”

“That’s not the point,” Patton replied gently. “Right now, what’s most important is keeping you calm, Virgil. We definitely won’t be happy if you’re not relaxed. Just remember that Thomas’s friends care about him, and they wouldn’t turn on him for making a few simple mistakes. He’s going through something right now, they’ll understand. Like Logan said, if they immediately think he’s a bad person when they don’t have all the facts, then maybe they’re not worth keeping around.”

This seemed to stick in Virgil’s head. He hesitated, and then nodded. “Okay. Okay.” The black eyeshadow retracted slightly as he kept saying that word to himself. Patton moved over to sit next to him, giving him a hug. Thomas felt a feeling of acceptance permeate inside of him. _I’m not okay right now, but my friends will be there when I’m ready to talk about it. They have my back. And if Nico hates me forever… yeah, it’ll hurt. A_ lot _. But I’ll still have Joan, Talyn, Valerie, Terrence, Quil, and all my other friends. They’ll help me figure out how to handle this if none of the sides come back._

That was a scary thought, though. What if Roman, Logan, Janus, and Remus didn’t return? What if their absence was permanent? Would Thomas really have only Virgil and Patton for the rest of his life? _Without any creativity, I won’t be able to make any videos. Without Roman, I won’t want to sing and act anymore. Without Logan, I’ll stop caring for my physical health. Without Janus, I might give myself up. And without Remus… I won’t be able to give Nico what he wants._


	3. The Isle of a Thousand Teeth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman, Janus, and Logan enter the dark side of the Imagination.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies. In the first half hour of this chapter being posted, I had accidentally copy-pasted the text from Chapter 2 onto this chapter. It has been fixed and now the real text for Chapter 3 is below.

**_Roman:_ **

Even after having jumped out of the Gate of Velocity multiple times, Roman still wasn’t used to it. The courage it took to jump even though you knew you’d be fine on landing, the feeling of your stomach left behind as you plummeted at g-forces you didn’t want to know the number of. The knowledge of what was awaiting you when you reached the ground. As Roman, Logan, and Janus dropped from the sky towards the Isle of a Thousand Teeth, a scream was pulled out of his mouth involuntarily. His memory of when Remus had first dragged him in flashed into his mind.

 _“Come on, Logan needs your help!” Remus whined loudly. They were standing in the center of his room, and he was holding a pillowcase open. Inside of it was a swirling portal. He’d brought Roman here after explaining that Logan had ‘accidentally’ fallen in._ I’d bet he threw the pillowcase over Logan’s head, _Roman thought to himself. But if Logan needed aid, then who was Roman to deny him of that? “Fine,” he rolled his eyes, snatching the pillowcase away and pulling it over himself. What he didn’t expect was to be suddenly freefalling towards the Earth several miles below. “RemuAHHHH-!” His body was spinning, twirling, the ground and the sky switching places in his view every second. A loud whoop sounded behind him and Remus came diving past. “See ya, Roman!”_

 _As his scream couldn’t be stopped, Roman was unable to spit back a retort. They were hurdling at… something._ I need to get my balance! _he realized. How was he going to do that, though? Desperately, he spread his arms and legs out wide. This stopped his spinning, and he was able to get a clear look at what was below. It appeared to be a large canyon, but something about it was off. As the seconds passed and they got closer, his heart stopped._ Are those… teeth? _There were gnashing white teeth sprouting from the canyon walls- which were gums. The thunderous clacking and grinding became louder as they neared it. Fear paralyzed Roman._ What the fuck?

_Remus landed on his feet, while Roman face-planted on the ground. Surprisingly, he felt no pain. Quickly, he got up and whipped around to face his brother. “What the fuck is this about? I bet Logan isn’t even here, you asshole! You just wanted to trick me!”_

_“Obviously!” Remus cackled happily. “And to think you of all people know how smart Logan is! Falling into a pillowcase my ass! Welcome to the Isle of a Thousand Teeth! This place is where Thomas’s insecurities about his body come from. From what he eats to how much he weighs, everything here has teeth! Pretty neat, huh?”_

_“No, it’s disgusting!” Roman shivered. Everything about this place gave him the creeps. He looked around and spotted a door on the canyon wall behind him. “I’m leaving. Like I’ll ever listen to you again!” Marching over to the door, he put his hand on the knob and opened it, determined to never come back here again._

This time, Roman planted his two feet on the ground without falling. Janus floated down softly, his cape flapping up behind him. Unfortunately, as he had never entered this side of the Imagination before, Logan crashed onto his back and rolled a few times before going still. _Oh dear, is he injured? He shouldn’t be!_ Roman rushed over to his fellow Light Side. “Logan, are you okay?”

“Strangely, yes.” Logan sat up, taking off his glasses to examine them. They didn’t have a single scratch on them, and he put them back on. Then he glanced around. “So, this is the Isle of a Thousand Teeth? Certainly, a fitting name. I wonder how the teeth could’ve possibly grown here?” He pushed himself up to his feet and approached one of the cave walls. “These walls are made of gums… truly fascinating. Obviously, this is all imaginary and impossible, but it does make one consider how the world might evolve to take on characteristics like this.”

 _How does he not find this gross?_ Roman didn’t want to be here for another moment. The canyon was eerily different from the two times he’d been here before. No ear-shattering sounds could be heard from teeth-gnashing; all the teeth were completely still. No creatures scurried from rocks or tried to lunge at them. It was too quiet. “Something’s not right,” he murmured. And where was Remus? He was nowhere to be seen. Janus’s hands clenched and a momentary look of worry crossed it before passing. “Remus must’ve gone into the Ruins of the Bloodied Knives, or… the Paradise of Fantasies.” A sigh escaped his lips, and he crossed his arms. “I don’t want to go there, but we need to check everywhere.”

Logan raised an eyebrow, now only a few feet away from one of the walls. “What’s so off-putting about the Paradise of Fantasies? It sounds much more pleasant than the ‘Isle of a Thousand Teeth’ or the ‘Ruins of the Bloodied Knives.’”

Janus frowned and huffed. “Because Remus told me never to go in there. He never said why. I get the feeling it’s not anything pretty if he warned me not to go there. But if Remus isn’t in the Ruins, then he’ll probably be in the Corridor of a Million Secrets. We’ll have to cut through the Paradise of Fantasies without his teleporting ability to get there.”

“Perfect,” Roman said crossly. Of _course_ they were going to have to trek through the entire dark Imagination. The Corridor of a Million Secrets was on the other side of the world, to Roman’s knowledge. _How do I know that? Hmm… Remus must’ve told me about it at some point._ “Don’t we have to go over the Sea of Drowning Screams too? This place is so stupidly dangerous, I don’t know why he would make all of this.”

“He didn’t,” Janus stated grimly. He began to walk away, deeper into the canyon. “Remus didn’t make this side of the Imagination, it made _him_. We are all spawns of Thomas’s mind, we had to come from somewhere. This is where I was created too, as well as Virgil. You two and Patton were made from Roman’s Imagination. Does that make sense? Or do I need to dumb it down even more for you?” As he looked over his shoulder, Roman felt a spike of fear slice through his heart. Janus’s eyes were cold and unfriendly, his mouth twisted in a snarl. “So, if I hear you calling Remus stupid for something he didn’t ask to represent, I will murder you myself before the Appetites get the chance.”

 _The… Appetites?_ Were those the creatures that usually inhabited the Isle of a Thousand Teeth? Or were they something worse? Roman narrowed his eyes, “I’d like to see you try.” _I don’t take threats from snakes._ Perhaps Remus might not have made this place himself, but Roman was sure he’d played a part in it. Remus _loved_ this place more than anywhere else. Neither Roman nor Janus moved, still glaring at each other. _Remus doesn’t deserve to be defended. This is all his fault! If he hadn’t ducked out, everything would be okay right now! He’s so selfish!_ Finally, Janus whipped around and stalked off, his cape flowing out behind him. Roman and Logan both followed behind him silently. _One day, they’ll all realize that we don’t need Remus. I’m good enough!_

As they trekked through the area, past stray rocks and boulders, Logan poked around. He seemed genuinely intrigued by the environment. Roman wished he would just keep walking. _Anything could jump out at him. We can’t afford anyone getting injured out here!_ And obviously, Roman didn’t want to see one of his best friends hurt. Sure, they had their disagreements, but they also shared similar interests. Nobody liked poetry more than Logan, not even Virgil. Nobody liked _Les Mis_ like Logan did. Both of them adored Shakespeare. Yes, the others were incredible friends too, but Roman and Logan had something that couldn’t be replaced.

Sometimes, though, Logan could be _incredibly_ idiotic. They had been walking for a good ten minutes when the ground started to shake. They all glanced at each to find that Logan had approached one of the teeth and touched it. His eyes widened and he took a step back as the tooth began to twist, blood seeping out of the gums it was planted in. “It seems that I may have triggered something,” he admitted. Pebbles and small rocks bounced in place and they all could barely stand on the trembling Earth. Roman ran over to Logan and grabbed his wrist. “No kidding, logic.exe! How about you stop nerding out about all of this and just run?”

That old thunderous teeth-grinding returned, echoing throughout Roman’s skull. He almost wanted the eerie silence from before back. It was hard to think over all the noise, other than that they needed to escape. Janus started sprinting ahead, and Roman dragged Logan behind. Screeches of hunger roared behind them. _That must be the Appetites!_ The sounds of hoofbeats raged in Roman’s head, making him push harder, to _keep going_. _This is_ not _how the Great Prince Roman is going to die!_ They just had to make it to the edge of the canyon. The Appetites would stop there, right? They wouldn’t follow them into the Ruins of the Bloodied Knives. _Here’s hoping._

Unfortunately, Logan slipped and went down hard, pulling Roman with him. They ended up lying on the dirt, coughing on dust. _Shit, we’re gonna get trampled and eaten!_ Roman scrambled to his feet but found that they were now both surrounded by circling Appetites. They looked like giant boars, with long tusks stretching out from either side of their mouths. Their mouths took up their entire face. They had no eyes or noses. Huge, ugly fangs grew in long rows inside the dark, drooling depths in the hole of their faces, glinting in the sunlight. Teeth stuck out from their ragged bodies in random spots. _Jesus Christ superstar!_ Roman had forgotten how terrifying they looked. _Neither of us can summon a weapon here, we don’t belong here!_ Logan stood up beside him and adjusted his glasses. “Well,” he said grimly, “I doubt we’ll be getting out of this.”

Suddenly, Janus dropped down in front of them from the air and summoned his shepherd’s crook, smacking the bottom of it onto the ground with a loud _clack!_ “Begone, foul creatures!” he screamed, starting to twirl the crook around. “Your hunger is despised and unwanted! Turn away and starve, do not look at us! I speak the truth when I tell you that Thomas does not want you!”

Somehow, this seemed to work. The Appetites hissed and spat, backing away from them. But they did not flee. As they slowly made their way through the crowd of them that had gathered, the creatures watched. _I don’t think they’re going to wait for much longer._ “Come on, we need to run!” Roman whispered to Janus. “They’re going to eat us if we don’t go _now_!” _How did he even know that was going to work?_ Why _did it work?_

Janus murmured back, “Oh yes, acting hostile and running before we’re completely out of the circle _definitely_ won’t get us killed. You really have the best ideas, Roman. Since you thought of it, why don’t _you_ start running first? Go on, don’t be shy. I know how much you love being told that you have brilliant ideas. Please, I _insist_!” He smirked when Roman rolled his eyes, continuing to step lightly through the Appetites. “I know what I’m doing.”

Moving away from the Appetites was the most painfully slow process Roman had ever gone through. He was buzzing to fight or to run- anything but _this_. Taking one step at a time, they finally- _finally_ \- reached the edge of the pack. The moment Logan, who had been in the back, was free, all the Appetites roared and turned on them. Janus put a hand on his hat and took off, “Now run!” Roman zoomed forward, all the pent-up energy inside of him flowing through him. Logan was just behind him. _Please don’t trip again!_

The Isle of a Thousand Teeth was a very large landscape. Within minutes, Roman was starting to feel tired. He looked over his shoulder. Logan was right there, and a few feet away were the leading Appetites. It seemed that there were hundreds following them, dust rising from their hooves. Their screams were making Roman’s ears hurt. _This is the worst day ever!_ Janus then yelled from up ahead, “There! The Ruins are in those trees!” When Roman swiveled his head back around, he didn’t expect to find a giant boulder a few inches from his face. _Smack!_ He ran straight into it and collapsed backwards, his ears ringing and the world going blurry. His thoughts were scrambled, and everything was spinning. _What…?_ Someone cried out, and then he felt himself being hoisted up. It took a good moment for everything to refocus. The sounds of the Appetites came back and Roman found himself being carried bridal style by Logan. Logan’s determined face was focused straight ahead, his strong arms holding Roman steady as he ran from the monsters. Roman felt as if Logan’s touch was burning him- he wasn’t sure if that was good or bad. And as they passed into the trees that were the outliers of the forest, he couldn’t help but stare at Logan’s face. That grim frown, those dark, passionate eyes- the way that his hair still looked fantastic even though Logan must have run at least half a mile by now-

_Oh._

The second thought that entered his head was, _Shit._ Of _course_ this had to be happening _now_. Couldn’t this have happened after their quest, or beforehand? Not when Roman was being carried by Logan? Or perhaps that’s what triggered it. _Maybe I’m just imagining things because I’ve always wanted to be carried like this._ But as every second passed, Roman became more and more aware of how this looked. _What will Janus think when he sees Logan carrying me? Oh gosh, he’ll blackmail me with this!_ It wasn’t helping that Roman could feel his cheeks heating up. “Logan,” he mumbled, “Would you mind setting me down?”

“I can’t,” Logan responded instantly, without looking at him. “It would take too much time. I apologize if it’s uncomfortable, but you’ll just have to bear it like the supposed knight you are until we’re safe.” A small smile appeared on his face. _Oh, he’s on._ Roman raised an eyebrow, “Like a nerd like you would know anything about being a knight.”

Logan’s eyes finally flickered down to him. “Actually, I’ve read almost all books on Arthurian literature there are. So, if anyone knows what is required of a chivalrous knight, then it would be me. That’s how I can tell that you are a knight whereas I am not. Knights tend to overestimate themselves and get themselves into dangerous situations because of their pride, honor, and stupidity. Does that sound familiar?”

Letting out an offended _“uh!”_ , Roman glared at him. “Oh, and you aren’t just as prideful as me? Ha! That’s a joke. You’re the one who-”

“Shut up!” Janus called over his shoulder. “In here, we might be able to lose them in the Ruins!” They had delved into the forest without stopping. Branches hung over their heads, the sun no longer shining down on them. Indeed: they were starting to pass by pieces of marble structures. Foliage grew up high, and when Roman looked around Logan’s arm at the Appetites, he could see that they were starting to fall behind. _Thank Neil Patrick Harris!_ Up ahead was what seemed to have once been a beautiful palace. Obviously, it had crumbled, and plants were taking the entire place over. It was actually quite beautiful. _Ugh, no it’s not! I’m sure once we get inside, it’ll be gross just like the Isle of a Thousand Teeth!_

The three of them entered the Ruins, quickly hiding behind a large, white piece of rock. They waited as the Appetites made their way inside, sniffing the ground and snorting. When the Appetites didn’t find anything, they trotted away, and the trio breathed sighs of relief.


	4. Stay Inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas eats some carrots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you read the previous chapter and it was set in Thomas's POV, go back and re-read. I accidentally posted the Chapter 2 text onto it instead of the Chapter 3 text. It was changed half an hour after its publication, but make sure you're caught up.

**_Thomas:_ **

It had been about six hours since Thomas had first started playing _Bioshock_. Unfortunately, he had grown bored of it and instead went back to sleep. What was frustrating was that even though he was tired, it took him probably half an hour to fall asleep. He’d tossed and turned, thinking about Nico. _Maybe if I hadn’t said anything, everything would be okay. He would be with me right now._ Thomas should’ve just gone along with it, even though the thought of having sex was a strange, foreign concept now. He shivered, _It would’ve made him happy. Why did I have to be so selfish? It doesn’t matter if I didn’t want to do it._

Eventually, Thomas stirred back awake from a strange nightmare about- had they been hedgehogs? No, bloodhounds. Or maybe boars? He shook off the memories and managed to get out of bed after a few minutes, heading to the bathroom. His steps were slow, and his feet dragged on the floor. Nothing about today made sense. Nothing about today was good. _I never want to feel like this ever again._

After using the toilet, Thomas found himself standing in front of the mirror with warm water running over his hands idly. For some reason, it was like Thomas was looking at himself for the first time. He was still wearing his cat onesie from the day before, and his hair was a mess. His face look extremely tired, and his eyes were dull. But these weren't the characteristics that stood out to him. This was exactly how he looked when he stayed up until five AM working on a video. It was now as he looked at himself that the seed that had long been inside of him suddenly burst into flower. His dull look morphed into one of hatred. Hatred of his reflection. Hatred of his body. _I’m so overweight. Why can’t I ever stay slim? I always eat so much. And I never eat healthily. Why am I like this? Why do I have to be so ugly?_ His hands were shaking, splashing flecks of water onto the counter. Everything about his appearance was _wrong_. _How can Nico look at this and_ like _it? He must not care about what people look like. Why would he want to have sex with someone like me, though? Even if he does love me for who I am, he can’t love me on the outside._

Finally, Thomas turned off the faucet. But he remained in the bathroom, criticizing everything about himself. His hands were too big. His thighs were too thick. His hair was overgrown, and his eyes were boring. That seed of loathing continued grow until it was a vine, wrapping itself around his heart and squeezing, thorns pricking at it and spreading poison into his whole body and mind. Deeper and deeper the vine rooted itself into his very core, until all he could think about was _how much he hated his body_. There was only one option. _I need to get into shape. No more junk food. Only healthy things, like Logan and Roman told me that one time for that video. I’ll give up pizza, candy, chips, everything. I need to learn how to cook good, natural meals. Maybe someday I’ll look acceptable._

He ran a hand over his face, wincing and pulling away. Touching any part of himself was like a punch to the gut. It simply reaffirmed his disgust. The whole shape of his face- it was too long. His nose was too large. Clenching his hands into tight fists, Thomas finally left the bathroom and went downstairs, ready to continue with the evening.

With every passing moment, Thomas wanted to rip away at his skin. He wanted to shave away all that extra weight until he was light and beautiful. Until he was someone who deserved to be called handsome, who could be looked upon without cringing. If only he could take an axe and cut off the unnecessary fat, throw it all in the trash and forget about it. He would never have to worry about it again. It would be gone, and he could be happy with himself. _Nico is probably glad I told him no- it was probably a pity move because he knew nobody else would want to do it with me._ The idea of someone touching his body- his _horrid_ body- made him want to scream. _Nobody should see me. Nobody should have to look at me._

Obviously, Thomas couldn’t do anything about his physical state at the moment. Only working out and eating less junk food- or just eating less in general- would cure him of this predicament. _That’s it! I eat so much. If I just cut out all the food I don’t need, I’ll look great in no time._ The decision made him feel powerful. Thomas was going to control himself from now on. He was going to make sure he didn’t look ugly anymore. This was him taking control of his life! People would like his initiative. Nico would be proud of him for making such a good choice! Maybe this is where things would turn around. This was good. Thomas was going to change his own life, starting now. _Now, now, now, now, now!_

He made it down the stairs. What to do now? Go on a run? _No!_ Nobody could see him- not now. Maybe after a week or two of dieting? Then he would look somewhat better. Then he could outside. _I can do this. What should I make for dinner? I ran out of_ Hello, Fresh! _meals a couple days ago… I’ll have to make something myself._

Before he could reach the kitchen, though, he remembered something. _Shit! I’m supposed to met up with Quil tonight! They had an idea for a short video and wanted to make it with me._ What was Thomas supposed to do? _I can’t go out tonight, not with how I look. I haven’t even taken a shower! I would have to go in the next ten minutes, I wouldn’t have enough time to get ready._ What would he tell Quil? That he had realized how ugly he was and was too ashamed to leave his apartment? _I don’t want them to worry, but… I don’t think I can lie if Roman’s, Logan’s, and Janus’s functions aren’t working properly right now. Maybe I could just say I’m not feeling well? Or that I still haven’t made much headway on editing the_ Reasons to Smile _video?_ Thomas could do that. Those were both true. _I want to throw up._ His stomach ached slightly- he’d only eaten those two pieces of toast that morning. _Good, that’s good. I’ll make a small dinner once I’ve told Quil I can’t meet up with them._

Taking out his phone, he clicked on Quil’s contact and texted them. **_Hey, I’m so sorry, I can’t meet up tonight. I’m not really feeling that well, and I haven’t gotten much work done on RTS. So sorry that this is so last-second._** A small smile found its way onto his face as relief passed over him. Nobody was going to see him. Thomas didn’t have to deal with other people. No disasters would occur like yesterday. _I can’t believe it’s been almost a whole day since that happened…_ Since the worst moment of his entire life had crashed into him without warning. _No, there were warnings- I just chose to ignore them._ A new text popped up from Quil. **_That’s okay! We can do it tomorrow or the day after that, whenever you’re free. Just remember to not work yourself too hard!_**

 _Thank goodness._ Somewhere deep inside of Thomas, he wondered what would’ve happened if they’d suggested coming over to his house instead to do it so he could stay at home. Or if Quil had asked what he meant by not feeling that well. Luckily, they didn’t suspect anything. Thomas took in a deep breath. _All I need to do tonight is stay inside and make sure I don’t eat any desserts. I’ll be fine! I’ll be fine._ This new sense of control was motivating him- maybe he would actually work on the video. But the first order of business was dinner.

 _What should I make?_ There weren’t that many options- Thomas still didn’t have a wide skillet range in cooking. _I need to make something healthy. What do I even have?_ He went over to the fridge and opened it, surveying the ingredients inside. _Cabbage, lettuce, peppers, onions, the carrots Nico left…_

The carrots.

The carrots.

_The carrots._

“Kiddo,” Patton snapped into existence, trying to get between Thomas and the fridge. “Please don’t eat the carrots. You _hate_ carrots! You should eat something you like! There are healthy foods that you enjoy. You don’t have to do this to yourself! Remember, body positivity! Even if you are a little overweight, that doesn’t mean you should make yourself suffer! Pizza is good for you! It has wheat, tomato, cheese, those are good for you! Thomas, please don’t do this.”

Virgil materialized and pulled Patton out of the way. “He _has_ to do this. If he doesn’t, Nico might leave him. And pizza isn’t as healthy as you think it is, especially store-bought. If you stop Thomas from eating those carrots, Patton, we’ll never look good enough. We’ll never be good enough unless we’re willing to put in some effort and give up some things. It’ll be worth it. Just try to ignore the taste. Carrots are healthy.”

Patton’s whole posture melted, and he slowly nodded. He squeezed his eyes shut as Thomas snatched the baby carrots and set them on the counter, taking a pot and filling it with water. Once the pot was on the stove and the water was heating up, Thomas sat down at the small table behind the couch, opening the bag of carrots and pulling one out. The thick orangeness of it almost made him puke then and there. _I just have to put it in my mouth, that’s all. Then chew it a bit and swallow._ It couldn’t be that hard, could it? Patton reached out and gripped his wrist. “Please,” he whispered, tears glistening in his eyes. Virgil quickly pried his fingers away. “It’ll be okay, popstar,” he murmured, his eyes flickering to anywhere but the other side.

Thomas tossed the baby carrot into his mouth. Every muscle in his body clenched and he gagged slightly. A tear dripped down Patton’s face- his whole body was now shaking. Everything in Thomas's body was telling him to spit it out, _spit it out, spit it out!_ But Virgil put a hand across his mouth to prevent him from doing so. “ **You have to do this.** ” The taste of the carrot made Thomas’s stomach roil, and the texture just felt _wrong_. But he forced himself to chew the soft vegetable and then swallow. He could feel it moving down his esophagus. Patton took his hand. “Okay, you did it! You don’t have to eat any more. You ate it! You’re good!” There was a look of desperation in his eyes, and it grew when Virgil shook his head.

The water took about seven minutes to boil. In that time, Thomas continued to stuff carrot after carrot down his throat. He felt sick- sicker than he’d ever felt before. Bile rose to the back of his mouth, but he forced himself to keep it down. With every swallow, it became harder to do it again. He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. Patton was sobbing, his hands covering his face. Virgil was hugging him, but he was looking at Thomas. His expression spoke for itself. _We can’t stop now._ So, Thomas had eaten about a quarter of the baby carrots straight from the bag before the water in the pot boiled. He got up, dumping almost all the rest of the content of the bag into the pot. There were still about eleven carrots in the bag, but he returned them to the fridge for later.

In his entire life, the most nightmarish food to Thomas had been boiled carrots. He’d never thought the day would come when he would make them himself. Yesterday had seemed like the worst day of his entire life, but today… today was worse. As he stirred the carrots around idly with a wooden spoon, Patton tried to stick his hands into the boiling water to take the carrots. Virgil held him back, though, and Thomas didn’t move. “ **Stop it, Patton. This is just how it has to be now. You’re just making this worse.** ”

There was a knock on the front door suddenly. Thomas almost leapt out of his skin, the wooden spoon splashing a bit of hot water onto his skin. “ _Shiiiit_!” he hissed as softly as possible, wiping it away with a towel. He hadn’t been expecting anyone to come over, was he? _Wait, didn’t Nico say he was going to come over today? Fuck, he can’t come in! I can’t let him look at me, and he’ll know something is going on if he sees me boiling carrots!_ Although, would that be so bad? Didn’t Thomas want Nico to be proud of him? _I want it to be a surprise! As soon as I’ve lost some weight, I’ll tell him everything._ Patton collapsed onto the floor, clutching himself as tears spilled down his face. “ _Stop it_!” he screamed. “Please, let him in! You can talk about what happened last night! Everything will be okay! Please… please… please…”

A second knock. A second refusal. Thomas stayed completely silent. _If he hears me, he’ll know I’m ignoring him and will think he did something wrong._ There was nothing he wanted more than to run to the door and fling it open. He wanted to hug Nico, to be held in Nico’s arms, to just be with his boyfriend. But he didn’t. He stayed exactly where he was, counting the seconds that the clock on the wall ticked away. For the third time, someone knocked. After a few moments, Thomas felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. _Oh no._ Thomas couldn’t look at it, or it would be marked as read and the pretense that Thomas was asleep would be exposed as fake.

There was complete silence. After about what seemed like forever, Thomas let himself sigh with relief. When he checked the time on his phone, he saw that it had only be five minutes of waiting. _The carrots!_ Quickly, he took the pot off the hot burner and turned the heat off, lifting the lid and letting steam rise out of it. Once most of the steam had dissipated, he got out the strainer and set it in the sink, pouring out the carrots and water into it. More steam blossomed up into his face and he tried leaned back, keeping himself out of it to prevent getting burned. His mind had turned almost completely numb as Patton curled up on the floor, holding himself and crying without making a sound. Virgil’s eyeshadow had darkened again, and he was rubbing his fingers together. As Thomas took the strainer and dumped the carrots into a bowl, Patton mumbled, “Is this really what it’s going to be like forever? Are we going to torture ourselves until we live up to an expectation that’s impossible to reach? Will we ever get to be happy again? Will the others come back, or will it just be Virgil and I from now on?”

Neither Virgil nor Thomas could answer him. Would it always be this way? Only eating boiled carrots that made Thomas sick? Turning everyone away because he didn’t want them to look at his ugly body? Spending the days doing absolutely nothing but sleep and stare at a wall? _No, this is only temporary._ Thomas picked up a fork and poked it into one of the many boiled carrots in his bowl. Slowly, he lifted the utensil and took a large chunk out of the vegetable with his teeth. It was the most disgusting thing he’d ever tasted in his entire life. As he swallowed, Patton leapt to his feet and slapped the fork out of Thomas’s hand, causing it to fall back into the bowl. “ _Get it out of you_!” he wailed. Before Virgil could do anything, Thomas rushed into the bathroom and felt his stomach contract. The contents of his meal emptied itself into the toilet, dark orange discoloring the previously clear water. All thoughts about Nico went out the window. The only thing he could think about was how absolutely sick he felt. He threw up again, although not much came up. His mouth felt and tasted horrific, stomach acid coating his teeth and tongue. Finally, Thomas allowed himself to cry. He laid on the rug and held his stomach, wishing that the feeling of emptiness could be filled. _If I eat anything, I won’t get any closer to what I need to look like._

Patton and Virgil both entered the bathroom. They stared down at Thomas, unable to speak. There was nothing they could do to help him; they were just figments of his imagination, after all. Depictions of what he was feeling. And at the moment, Thomas wasn’t feeling anything.

_I don’t want to eat anything ever again._


	5. The Ruins of the Bloodied Knives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman, Logan, and Janus talk about the scenary.

**_Roman:_ **

They waited a few more minutes before crawling out from their hiding spot. _Thank goodness we evaded those dim-witted monstrosities!_ The cost, though, had been Roman’s pride. _He_ was supposed to be the prince, the knight who saved others with his fighting skills and charming wits. But it seemed that nerdy scientists could _also_ do the same thing and be… _extremely_ handsome while doing it. Not that Roman wasn’t more handsome than Logan! Of course he was. Nobody was more handsome than Roman- right? _What am I thinking, there’s no doubt about that! Ugh, why am I being so stupid! At this rate, Logan’s going to know I have feelings with him before we even make it out of this stupid hellhole!_ That was the last thing Roman wanted to happen. At least, not in the middle of all of this.

“Roman?” Janus waved a hand in front of his face. “Are we going to look for your brother or are you going to stare at Logan all day? You can thank him all you want later for saving your ass, but I think it’d be most beneficial to Thomas if we get this entire journey thing over with as quickly as possible.”

 _Shit, I’ve been staring at Logan!?_ Roman quickly fazed back into reality and realized he was indeed staring at Logan. “Ah, sorry!” he said hurriedly. Then he nodded to Logan. “Your bravery was quite admirable. Thank you for saving my life! I surely would’ve been torn apart by those terrible fiends if you hadn’t risked yourself.”

For a moment, no one said anything. Then Logan furrowed his eyebrows. “Why wouldn’t I save you? Without a side’s functions, Thomas’s life would be thrown out of balance. He needs every single one of us. That is the whole reason why we’re trying to find Remus. So, losing you in the process of trying to get back your brother would not only be unfortunate, but it would have disastrous consequences. So, of course I saved you, I would be the biggest idiot ever to exist in the world to not to- and you know I’m not an idiot.”

Janus let out a yell of frustration. Both Roman and Logan looked over at him. He clenched his fists and gritted his teeth. “ _What_ did I just say? We _don’t have time for this_! Come _on_ , we’re leaving _right now_!” Turning on his heels, he marched further into the Ruins, using his crook as a walking stick. The other two exchanged glances and then followed.

The Ruins were actually quite beautiful. Trees stretched up high above their eyes, hiding them in the shadows of leaves and branches. They had somehow ended up deep in the forest- Roman couldn’t see the end of the trees in any direction. The trees had deep brown, healthy bark, with dark, faded green leaves fluttering past as a slight breeze drifted through the undergrowth. It was incredibly calming. Roman’s boots shuffled through the short grass as he marveled at their surroundings. The white stones had become a part of the environment. There was a single tower still standing tall in the distance, but everything else had fallen apart. The only thing that was disconcerting about it all were the long marks on everything- like a cat had clawed it, or a knife had sliced it. _What are they from? What monster roams these woods?_

He wasn’t sure what exactly they were looking for. _Are we going to have to look in every nook and cranny for Remus? Or are we just passing through here?_ Roman cleared his throat, “What are we trying to do here?”

“Remus wouldn’t stay here,” Janus answered instantly. “He prefers some of the other landmarks. We just have to go through here to reach the Paradise of Fantasies. Logan, this time, don’t touch anything. I think that since Remus ducked out, these places are inactive. Which would mean that because you wouldn’t stop messing with those teeth, Thomas is probably suffering from extreme intrusive thoughts about his appearance. Without Remus controlling any intrusive thoughts right now, that could be dangerous.”

Logan adjusted his glasses, “Wait, so Remus not only gives Thomas intrusive thoughts, but he also _controls_ them? Does that mean he represses some of them?”

“Well,” the half-snake man halted, crossing his arms. “It’s complicated. Remus and the Imagination are intertwined inextricably. There are some things that Remus _does_ enjoy terrorizing Thomas with- thoughts of murder, sex, gore, that kind of thing. Other ones, like Thomas’s weight and self-harm, he’s more likely to actively fight against. That’s why the Isle of a Thousand Teeth and the Ruins of the Bloodied Knives are on the outskirts of this Imagination- the ones that Remus lets roam wild are the ones that affect Thomas the most. The further we delve into this world, the more damage we can cause to Thomas’s mental health. So, I repeat- _don’t touch anything_ , unless it’s absolutely necessary.”

 _Gosh, this place is complicated._ All Roman wanted to do was get this over with.

It was strange that they were the only ones there. Something at the edge of Roman’s mind was tugging his attention. _There should be something here._ Something alive- no, not alive, but able to act hostile. That something had made the marks on the trees and stones. _It must be inactive right now. Hopefully, Logan doesn’t get us into trouble again._

Eventually, after they had been walking for a good five minutes, Logan spoke up again. “This forest is truly incredible. I wonder who could’ve built the palace that once stood here? Did these Ruins once serve a purpose or are they just here for decoration? If these Ruins represent self-harm, then what did the palace used to be? What has been harming Thomas? And if this place really houses Thomas’s thoughts of self-harm, then how come it’s so beautiful here?”

 _It isn’t beautiful here!_ Roman had never heard Logan compliment _his_ Imagination like that. His pride on the line, Roman huffed, “This place is more like a nightmare. I mean, did you see those Appetites? I bet if we touch anything, everything here will turn into some weird monster too. And who cares about what it means? It’s obviously bad- it hurts Thomas! If you let this place lull you into thinking that it’s harmless because it’s ‘pretty’, bad things will happen.”

Logan looked over at him. A moment passed before he said, “Beautiful things can be quite dangerous sometimes. Obviously, I know that this beauty may be fleeting, but instead of ruminating on how it might be ruined in a short time I choose to enjoy what it is right now. I would’ve thought you out of all people knew that best, Roman.” That stung Roman, and he couldn’t think of a good way to respond to that. _He’s right, of course…_ It _was_ a marvelous forest. _I just wish Logan would say something like that about what_ I’ve _come up with. He always calls me too fantastical and unrealistic. But all of this is that too, and yet he voices his enjoyment of it! Maybe if he experienced a sunset in my realm, he would realize how much work I put into making my Imagination the most wondrous land ever made._

Surprisingly, Janus turned around to join their conversation. “Also,” his cold gaze froze Roman where he stood, “If you insult this place again, I will personally make it my mission to make you suffer. Not only are you insulting me because I come from here, but you’re also insulting Remus. If you didn’t want to save your brother, then you should’ve stayed behind. I’d much rather have silence instead of your blabbering about how you’re so much better than him. You’re an egotistical prick, and I don’t want to hear another word from you. Is that understood, or do I need to explain in a more clear way?” He tapped his finger on his crook menacingly.

“Jesus, fine,” Roman muttered. _Since when did he get so protective of Remus?_

It was then that they stumbled upon a large clearing. There was a door on the other side, tall and of golden wood. _Where does that go?_ In the center of the clearing was a giant, white pedestal, with steps leading up to it on all sides. On the pedestal was a podium made of marble. Unlike the ruins around it, it was completely intact. There weren’t even any markings on it. _How has this survived like this?_ Had it been added recently? Janus heaved a sigh as he jogged to climb up to the podium. “Shit! I forgot about this stupid thing. Remus always did the puzzle and would never let me see how it worked. Logan, get your ass over here and be useful.”

As Logan did as he was told, Roman felt a sense of overwhelming familiarity wash over him. He’d been here before- but when? How? He didn’t remember ever visiting here. Both times Roman had visited this Imagination, he’d only entered the Isle of a Thousand Teeth. But this clearing… he _knew_ this place. Something wasn’t right. _How can I know a place when I can’t remember ever going there?_

“Well,” Logan bent over to examine the podium more closely. There was a handle on it, with intricately carved markings on it- not like the ones on the Ruins, though. “This lever is connected to the door, is it not? Do I just pull it? Or can’t we just walk _around_ the Ruins to get past this?” He looked over his shoulder at Janus. Janus crossed his arms, “No, the only way into the Paradise of Fantasies is through that door. You have to pull the lever a certain way, it can go in any direction. I think you might have to make a pattern of it, I don’t know. Trust me, it’s not for lack of trying that I don’t know how to get in- I’ve spent hours trying to get that stupid thing to work. _I’m_ the Lord of the Lies, not Remus. He shouldn’t be keeping secrets from me.”

 _The lever?_ Roman approached Logan and looked down at the handle. _The lever… I remember this._ But with Logan’s determined face and Roman’s large ego, he didn’t reach out to move it. _If I manage to open the door somehow, they’ll think I came here before. Which I haven’t! I don’t want them to think I fraternized with Remus regularly enough to know how to get into the Paradise of Fantasies. And if Janus doesn’t know how to get in, how do I?_ It was then that a memory flashed before his eyes.

 _“Wait!” a hand snatched Roman’s wrist, preventing him from going through the door. When he turned to rebuke his brother, the words halted on his tongue. Remus’s eyes glistened with desperation._ Whoa… something’s wrong. _“Please,” Remus whispered quietly. “I need your help. I… I need a big favor from you. I know you have no reason to trust me or to do what I need you to do, but if you care about Thomas, you have to. Like always, I’m going to be completely honest. Over these past few months, I’ve been feeling really worthless because Thomas doesn’t ever listen to me. None of you do. Right now, I feel fine, but maybe on one really bad day I might make a dangerous decision. Janus is in on this too, but you can’t say_ anything _to him. If I decide to duck out, I will retreat to the depths of this Imagination. Janus knows the way- mostly. But there are some places I don’t want him to see until absolutely necessary.”_

 _“Wait- duck out? What are you talking about?” Roman ripped his arm away from Remus’s grasp. What was Remus going on about?_ How could he out of us all want to duck out? He’s _Remus_! Nothing bothers him! _“Why don’t you ask someone else, like Patton?”_

_Remus huffed in annoyance. “Because if I duck out, you’re the only one who can open the Gate of Velocity, you dumbass! You and Janus are the only ones who could bring me back. Look, maybe not a lot of this makes sense- I never make sense! But for just this once, can you get your head out of your ass and help Thomas for once?”_

_This made Roman flinch._ I help Thomas plenty! _The words had inflicted the intended damage, though, and he slowly nodded. “Okay, fine. But I’m not doing this because I want you around. Personally, I would rather you didn’t exist. I know that’s not how people work, though. So, what do you need me to do that’s oh-so-important?”_

_“Great!” A smile appeared on his figurative brother. “I need you to remember a pattern.”_

The pattern was clear as day in Roman’s head. What was more confusing was the fact that he’d just remembered something that had been erased from his head only moments before. _I thought I left the Imagination after a few minutes of staying in there, but I went with Remus! Why couldn’t I remember before? And why don’t I know what happened after that?_ A feeling of resolve made him reach for and take the lever. Logan’s eyes widened, “Ah, Roman, what are you doing?”

“Opening the door, four-eyes.” Roman clenched the handle tight, wrenching it up and then down, repeating the motion thirteen times. Then he pushed the lever into the podium itself, grunting with the effort. With a loud _clack!_ the door swung open, the way to their next destination open to them. _I can’t believe I did that…_

It was then that the ground began to rumble, just like it had in the Isle of a Thousand Teeth. _Shit, activating the door probably is awakening whatever lives here!_ Roman didn’t decide to wait and see what was going to attack them; he took off for the door. “Come on, don’t make me come and save you! I’d rather not risk getting murdered by something Remus made!”

Something whizzed past his ear. _What was that?_ It then halted about twenty feet away and flipped back around. It was a long, nasty-looking knife, floating in the air with blood drenching it. _Oh, so_ that’s _why this place is called the Ruins of the Bloodied Knives._ There must be more of them- they must’ve been what made those markings on everything. The knife suddenly whizzed back at him and he barely managed to jump out of the way. Whipping around, he spotted Janus and Logan sprinting towards him. Janus waved his crook around, “Don’t just stand there, _run_! Unless you’d like to be sliced up like chopped liver!”

The three of them zoomed through the long tunnel that the door had opened into. It was made of thick, gray vines- impenetrable. _We’ll never make it to the other side in a small space like this!_ Knives were flying past their bodies, and Roman could feel some cutting at his arms and legs. Every time the knives zipped past them, they’d simply spin around to try and hit their mark again. A line of knives assembled in front of them and Janus stepped in front of Roman and Logan. “Stand back!” he shouted, raising his arms and summoning a wall. A good twenty-three _thunks!_ were heard from the other side. Janus then shoved his companions onto the ground. “Duck!” More knives that had still been behind them stuck into the wall above their heads. Janus then dissipated the wall, the weapons clanging onto the ground.

None of them had to tell anyone else what to do. There was a light up ahead- the exit. _Finally!_ This time, Roman wasn’t going to trip, even though he wanted nothing more than for Logan to carry him again. His legs were too blurry to see clearly, his breath was burning his throat, but all he was focused on was the need to escape. Without the ability to summon a sword, Roman felt defenseless. The end of the tunnel was getting closer and closer, and a humming was starting to radiate from farther back. _Is Thomas going to have thoughts of self-harm now? Oh gosh, we need to get back as soon as possible…_

Janus dived out into the sunlight, Logan and Roman a moment after him.

With a loud _tsshh!!_ , vines stretched over the hole they had just gone through.


	6. Stay Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas, Virgil, and Patton debate about a not-so-happy idea.

**_Thomas:_ **

The next morning, Thomas got up early. There was something nagging at his mind, preventing him from getting in any extra sleep like the day before. What he did do, though, was sit on the edge of his bed and stare at the floor. The brown carpet was boring like always, but his thoughts weren’t- or maybe they were? Just like yesterday, all he could think about was Nico. _Should I have let him in? I still haven’t responded to his text. He probably thinks I’m purposefully ignoring him._ Guilt was weighing heavily on his shoulders, but he couldn’t bring himself to open the messages app on his phone. _He probably doesn’t want to hear from me._

Thomas didn’t take a shower this morning either. Yes, he was starting to smell, but he just couldn’t find the energy to accomplish the task. As he made his way downstairs, he realized that he hadn’t posted on Twitter a single time the day before. _The fans must be freaking out, I didn’t give them a warning that I would be disappearing._ Should he get on and tell everyone he wasn’t feeling too well? _No, Nico might somehow find out and wonder why I didn’t tell him. I don’t think I’d be able to reassure everyone I’ll be fine soon, either._ His phone was still upstairs, anyways, and he didn’t want to go back the way he’d just came.

Skipping breakfast was a given. His stomach ached, but Thomas didn’t want to throw up again. Last night had scarred him. Just thinking about carrots made him shiver. The bowl of them from the night before was still on the table, cold from having been out all night. After puking every last bit of food, Thomas had immediately gone to bed. There had been no reason to stay awake. The darkness of sleep had been so nice compared to the events that had occurred when he was conscious. This time, his dreams had put him in a nightmare world. The skies had been black with a red moon above. The dirt had been black, too, and had dissolved in his fingers when he touched it. After walking for quite a while, he had accidentally stepped on a knife; it had gone straight through the sole of his foot. There was no pain, though, and he’d continued on as if nothing had happened. Quickly, the ground became a path of blades. His feet had been soaked in blood and he eventually fell, his whole body stuck to the ground. It was then that he’d awoken as his heart stopped beating and the last breath of air whisked from his lungs.

Needless to say, Thomas knew that today was going to be no better than yesterday.

It became clear just _how_ bad it would be after he came out of the bathroom and spotted his butcher’s knife on the counter in the kitchen. It hadn’t been used in a while and was extremely sharp. It glinted in the ceiling light. Thomas realized he was standing frozen, staring at the knife. For some reason, he wanted to take it. _What would I use it for?_ He wasn’t sure, and that was disconcerting. Instead, he decided to finally build the LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Clock Tower set that he’d bought a week ago. He’d been planning to build it on a Patreon stream, but he couldn’t think of anything else that would consume his thoughts- and he certainly wasn’t going to do a stream. The box was on the floor next to the coffee table, so he took it and opened the side flap, dumping the contents out. _Wow, LEGO are sure expensive nowadays… this kind of set used to cost only like thirty dollars._

Time passed and the build was coming along well, but Thomas often found himself starting to daze off. His gaze kept on drawing towards the kitchen, and he had to force himself to continue putting pieces together. _Why can’t I stop thinking about that knife?_ In the back of his mind, he knew exactly why. But he didn’t want to linger on that idea. There was no reason for him to want to do something like that. Only depressed people cut- or people who think they deserve it.

Unfortunately, the LEGO set was finished in only half an hour. The little minifigures stood proudly in front of the structure, smiles on their faces. _I wish I could be happy like them._ The thought was surprising to him; it had popped into his head without warning. Wasn’t he happy, though? At least, hadn’t he been happy a few days ago? _Was I, though? And was I even happy before Remus ducked out?_ Of course, there had been happy moments- time spent with Nico, Joan, and all the rest of his friends- but overall, things had started to become blander. When had been the last time he had been excited beyond imagination? _When I first thought of inviting Nico to move in with me… and I hadn’t felt that way in a long time._

Why did people cut themselves? Why did they keep doing it? _Maybe it makes them happy?_ Maybe there was a reason behind the phenomenon of drawing one’s own blood. _No, there isn’t- I should know that, as a Chemist. Cutting releases adrenaline and endorphins, which give a euphoric rush feeling. People get addicted to that like they would get addicted to drinking or drugs._ It wasn’t because it was actually good. People died from infections because they cut. _I don’t want to become a part of that._ But a euphoric feeling was something he yearned for. A good feeling that could maybe get his mind of all the stupid thoughts in his head.

“Kiddo!” Patton suddenly popped into existence on the other side of the table. His eyes were wide with worry and fear, and he reached to take Thomas’s hand. “You can’t really be considering hurting yourself like that! Please, you’re already keeping yourself from eating. You’re perfectly fine without cutting. There are things that can make you happy without risking your health! You can watch _The Office_ , or you can play something like _Animal Crossing: New Horizons_ , or maybe bake something-”

Thomas pulled his hand away, “No, Patton. I tried that yesterday, and that didn’t make me- _you_ \- any happier. _Nothing_ is working. I don’t want to do anything right now. I don’t want to try and be happy right now unless it’s simple and easy.”

This made Patton recoil. Thomas could feel something inside him rebel against his thoughts. _Is that really what I’m like now? Do I not want to work for anything anymore? That’s not what life is like though- it’s not that simple. The greatest things come out of endless perspiration, through pouring out your heart and soul into creating something. Or even something as mundane as making yourself happy. No, I can’t cut myself. I won’t give in. There are better ways to bring my spirits up._ As he thought about this, Patton slowly faded away. _So, what should I do? Hmm… maybe I could write a story? That worked when I stayed home from that party that one time._

So, he ended up turning on his laptop and opening a new Word document. The question was now what to write exactly. _Steven Universe? Avatar: The Last Airbender? Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts? She-Ra and the Princesses of Power?_ There were so many choices. _Maybe I could write a short story about the sides? That would be something original, and the fans would definitely like it. But what could it be about?_

Nothing came spilling out from his fingers. His brain couldn’t think of _anything_. No ideas exploded in his brain and brought forth inspiration with a bang. The usual spark wasn’t there, and Thomas’s creativity remained unlit. _That’s right! Roman and Remus are both gone. I can’t create anything without both of them. Guess I won’t be writing anything, then._ Once again, he found himself mindlessly moving cards around with his mousepad and inevitably losing five games of Solitaire. What else was there to do? Nothing, nothing at all.

Eventually, he managed to click on his web browser and went to YouTube. There was a notification that the latest _Are You Scared?_ video had come out, so he clicked on it. Maybe that could mildly entertain him for the moment. Ryan and Shane were both quite funny usually, and the stories were always interesting.

Except, this time, the story was about how the main character’s boyfriend would go to the door of their apartment every night while asleep and holding a knife. _Why does everything have to include knives?_ Even Ryan’s and Shane’s commentary weren’t helping Thomas focus on the story. That knife stood out in his mind, and all he could think about was _what if I took my own and cut myself?_ Would it make everything better? Would it fix his problems? _No, but that’s not the point. I can’t fix anything right now, so why not do something that makes me feel good in the meantime?_

Why was he suddenly drawn to that knife in his kitchen? He’d never wanted to cut himself before- at least, not in a very long time. Once or twice in his teenage years when things had gotten bad he’d thought about it, but it had never gotten as bad as this. Cutting had never been the only option to bring him relief from feeling terrible. But nothing else was working, like he’d said earlier to Patton. _Why am I thinking about cutting, though? Why did the thought of self-harm come so easily to me? I’ve never done it before, so I would have no incentive to go through a recession. Is there a different reason why?_

It hadn’t been Thomas who had thought that last question. Patton was back, this time sitting just beside him. Neither of them said anything for a long moment. Then Patton murmured, “Is there something we’re missing? What if there’s a reason why you’re thinking about cutting, something you know deep down but can’t remember for the life of you?”

Silence grew between Patton’s words before completely taking over the air, making it impossible for Thomas to respond. He didn’t know what to say; he didn’t know the answer. How could he? _If that’s true, then it would be impossible for me to say for sure._ And it _was_ impossible to say for sure, so that meant it _was_ true. The words were jumbling themselves in Thomas’s brain, and he knew he was just confusing himself. “I don’t know,” he said quietly, unable to meet Patton’s gaze. “If there is, does it even matter?”

The conversation halted there. The video had been paused, and both of them stared at the wall opposing them. They were both thinking hard, even though Thomas hated exerting the energy. What could possibly be the reason for these sudden urges? Could it be remedied if they figured out what it was? How could they solve the puzzle?

The deep, familiar whisper in his ear sent a chill through his body. “The reason you want to hurt yourself is because you feel like you’ve done something to deserve punishment. I mean, you screwed everything up. You were the one who told Remus off about something he was _right_ about. And because of that, you couldn’t give Nico what he wanted. See, Thomas? You ruined everything, and there’s nothing you can do to change that. But you can make sure that justice is served. Yeah, cutting might be scary to try, but… you’ll get used to it, right?”

In a small voice, Patton whimpered, “I’m scared. I know that’s your job, Virge, but I can’t help it. Did we really do that bad? Does Thomas deserve to injure himself because he made a few mistakes? Surely, he’s already doing enough to punish himself- he hasn’t eaten anything since yesterday morning that he kept in his stomach. He’s refusing to call Nico and talk about what happened, and he won’t ask any of his friends for help. Is cutting necessary?”

It was if the air turned to solid ice. Cold crawled on Thomas’s body, seeping into his bones. His mind was growing numb, and anything he tried to say was too muffled to hear. A sense of dread seemed to whisk past his eyes and into his brain, ruminating there and then spreading through his entire body as fear curled up into the very depths of his being. _I’m hurting myself, but is it enough? How much more pain will I have to go through to become worthy of Nico’s love again? Will I ever achieve such a standard? How many cuts will it take to make me feel satisfied?_ Too many. Too many for Thomas to be brought to the human level of Nico. Too many until Nico would finally accept his apologies.

He didn’t realize he was crying until it had been a few minutes after the first few tears had dribbled down his cheeks. Unlike yesterday- when he’d been feeling the unimaginable pain of an extremely upset stomach and the burning of acid in his mouth and couldn’t help but let out a soft cry of anguish- the crying was soft, ever so soft. Little dots of liquid sadness glistened in his eyes and then swept down to his chin, hanging off the edge before plopping onto his glass coffee table. It felt like nothingness, like a dull headache that had slowly sprouted into existence without his knowledge of it. The ice cocoon around his body, though, was numbing not just his mind but also his feelings. What should’ve felt like an overwhelming idea of horror seemed like a viable option. _Maybe cutting will make me stop crying. Maybe there won’t ever be enough cuts, but at least it’ll bring me closer to being with Nico again. Maybe it’ll make me feel something other than this emptiness that makes me want to scream._

When he stood up, the invisible ice shattered. He could almost see pieces of it laying scattered around where he’d been sitting, shining in the light like shards of glass. They were impossibly sharp- and impossibly there. Thomas sighed, _What am I thinking?_ Adrenaline was swirling around in his stomach, the feeling of puking rising into his throat at a much less level than the night before. Virgil was nervously rubbing his fingers together, his hood drawn over his head and casting a shadow over his face. Patton looked completely lost- there was a grim, slight frown across his features, and a certain kind of desolation hidden in the depths of his irises. _What a team we are, huh?_ It seemed they had reached a collective decision that none of them were happy about. Thomas made his way over to the kitchen, taking his time across the carpet. When he reached the tile floor, he stood at the edge for a long, few moments. _I’m really doing this._ He was really doing this. “We’re really doing this,” Patton choked out.

The butcher’s knife was still there, obviously. As Thomas made his way over to it, Virgil hung onto his arm. “Can you really do it? Are we really going to go through with this? Will Nico be creeped out when we tell him what we did for him? Will he want to leave us back where we started? How long are we going to cut?”

Thomas glared at him, “You’re the one who wanted to do this, Virgil! Come on, we can do this. It’ll be fine. I’ll just cut a little bit. I don’t want to become dependent on it.” With that, he took the butcher’s knife and rested his arm on the counter. He wasn’t entirely sure how to do this. _Do I just… slice at my arm?_ Even though he’d told Virgil to knock it off, his anxiety had apparently decided to go back on their decision and had now grabbed Thomas’s knife-wielding arm. “Wait,” Virgil growled a little. “Maybe this isn’t the best idea. This could go really badly- you might accidentally chop off your whole arm. How would you explain that to everyone? ‘Oh yeah, I was going to cut myself, and in the process, I sawed my arm off.’ You’d get sent to a mental hospital! We can’t do that! We can’t go there.”

Gritting his teeth, Thomas replied without looking over at Virgil. “We’re not going to a mental hospital. I’m not going to hurt myself like that. It’s just going to be a little cut.” But the delay drew on for more time. With the butcher’s knife extended over his appendage, Thomas felt his resolve turn to dust. He lowered the weapon and set it down, his whole body shaking.

_Nico would think I was ugly with cuts like that._


	7. The Paradise of Fantasies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman, Logan, and Janus visit the beach.

**_Roman:_ **

They were now safe- at least, from the knives. _We made it through the Ruins… that’s better than Janus said we’d make it. So, I guess we’re in the Paradise of Fantasies now…_ They were standing at the edge of the forest, which bordered a large, empty beach. It looked like a beach from a movie; the weather was perfect, with bright blue skies and no clouds. The sun shimmered down on the blue seas and the sand shone almost white. The small beach was completely empty. _It sure looks like something out of a fantasy or dream… but there’s also nothing here. Where are we supposed to go?_ It was then that he spotted something far off in the distance. Roman narrowed his eyes and pointed to it, “What is that?” It looked like a tiny, tiny brown shoe sitting against the shore. _Then it must be a really big shoe?_ “I think it’s a big shoe! But why would there be a shoe?”

Janus wacked him lightly with his crook in the shoulder. “Oh yes, it’s _definitely_ a random shoe out in the middle of nowhere and not something like, I don’t know, a _boat_. Definitely not something we should head towards because it might actually be useful to us in crossing the Sea of Drowned Screams.” He rolled his eyes, “Come on, we don’t have time to waste.”

Before any of them took even a step forward, there was a wild hoot from their left. _What was that?_ Roman turned his head and instantly regretted it, squeezing his eyes shut. Had that been… a naked woman? Leaves rustled and someone tapped him on the shoulder. “I haven’t seen you men before! Come on down, everyone just woke up! It’s about to start- you won’t want to miss out! And take off those garments of yours, nobody wants to see that! Natural beauty is all the rage nowadays, you don’t need flashy outfits to make you all handsome!” The person slapped Roman’s butt and giggled. “I’ll see you around, hot stuff! You look just like Remus, by the way! I almost thought you were him for a moment.”

Her holler and footsteps running away from them was a sign that she was gone. Roman opened his eyes and clenched his fists. Everything about that exchange had felt _so wrong_. The lack of clothing, the non-consensual touching, the comparison to Remus- Roman needed to get out of here _right now_. Logan and Janus looked just as shocked, but Roman realized that their surprise wasn’t from that woman who’d approached them. His eyes widened in horror as he returned his gaze to the beach in front of them.

The landscape was filling up with _thousands_ of nude people. There were people of every ethnicity, every gender, every appearance Roman could think of. They were all chanting and dancing, not caring that everyone could see their whole bodies. Some people were laying on the ground together and having sex in the middle of the crowd. They were all laughing with joy and pleasure. Roman shut his eyes tight and flailed his hand out until he latched onto Logan’s arm. “Please, lead me to the boat.”

“Why?” Logan asked. “Is there a reason you cannot walk yourself?”

 _Do I really have to spell it out for him?_ “Remus likes physical romance, and I like emotional romance. I really don’t like viewing anything sexual. So, please, can you guide me to the boat? I would extremely grateful to you, and I promise to make it up to you. I just would rather not taint my pure eyes with visions of unclothed people.”

There was a moment of silence. Then Logan sighed, “Alright, if I must. Perhaps we should form a conga line? That way we don’t lose each other. Of course, we will stand out quite well, but something unfortunate might occur if we’re separated. Janus, would you mind if I held onto you?” The idea of Janus leading a conga line made Roman snort. _We’re going to look so stupid!_ It was a much happier thought than the images that had been projecting in his head a few moments before, and he was grateful for it. Janus scoffed, “ _Nobody’s_ going to hold onto me. You lead the way, Logan.” Roman felt someone put their steady hands on his shoulders. Logan then began to walk forward, and then they were moving together in sync.

Roman didn’t know when exactly they entered the crowd, but he could hear and feel that they were in the middle of it. People were laughing, talking, and- _screaming_? There were so many screams echoing throughout the people. Body heat radiated around them, making Roman sweat. People constantly bumped into them, and there were more than a few times that someone tried to grab ahold of him. Every time, he wrenched himself away and thought to himself, _It’s okay. I’m going to be fine. Logan will get us out of here. We’ll make it to the boat._ More to himself than to the others, Janus murmured, “Why did Remus want to keep me out of here?”

This was the most uncomfortable experience in Roman’s life, to say the least. He wanted to scream and run, to _escape_. Every touch made him want to slice off the arm of the perpetrator. _With what?_ He didn’t have a weapon to defend himself or his honor. With these people, in this moment, Roman could do nothing but follow Logan’s lead. If anyone tried to take him and try to convince him to have sex, there would be no way to fight his way out of the situation. That made him very, very afraid. In his realm, he _always_ had control. But nothing made any sense here.

“Unfortunately,” Logan spoke loudly to be heard over the hundreds of voices, “I can’t push through. There are too many people blocking the way to the boat. Roman, keep your eyes closed. I doubt you want to see a girl forcing a boy to make out with her.” This made Roman flinch. _A poor lad being sexually harassed by a damsel? Can I stand to see them in full light in order to protect the young man?_ Janus laughed sarcastically, “Oh, and telling him exactly what’s in front of us isn’t going to trigger him either.”

“Stand aside!” Roman shoved Logan out of the way and let his eyes fly open. The bombardment of naked bodies was like pieces of plexiglass raining down on him. He wanted to cover his head and curl up into a ball until they all left, but he needed to be brave. Indeed: in front of him was a girl pining a young teen boy to the ground, ravaging at his face. The boy was trying to kick her off, but his flailing was weak. His desperate eyes flickered over to Roman and their gazes met for a moment. _Help me!_ the boy was pleading. Janus had let go of Roman and was standing behind him with Logan. “What are you doing now?” he huffed in annoyance.

“Back off, or I shall use my might to vanquish you, evil being!” Roman declared courageously, standing up straight and mighty. _Maybe if I intimidate her, she’ll leave him alone!_ Of course, she simply ignored him and grabbed one of the boy’s wrists, forcing his hand up to her chest. In response to this, it appeared that he bit her. The girl recoiled and immediately slapped him. “Don’t you fucking bite me, you piece of shit! You know you like this, just relax~” When she started to reach down towards the boy’s lower region, Roman snapped. _Oh no she doesn’t!_ He charged forward and shoved her off the victim. She scrambled in the sand, spitting up dirt and hissing. “What do you think you’re doing?” she snarled at Roman. “This isn’t any of your business! Go fuck someone your own age, pervert! He belongs to me!”

With a look of stern determination, he shook his head. “Nobody _belongs_ to anybody. Can’t you see that he doesn’t want this? Consent is the most important thing when it comes to entering someone’s private bubble of space. Intimacy should be agreed upon by both parties, not just because one of them wants to have sex. Agreeing to do it because they’ve been guilted into the decision is _not_ consent. So, fuck off and leave him alone.”

The girl got into a fighting stance. The people around them had given them a little space, attention now on them. Scrambling away, the boy hid behind Roman, trembling and sobbing. He clung onto Roman’s sash. _He isn’t much older than fourteen… it must be terrible to be here at his age. Where else can he go? He’ll be murdered by some foul creatures anywhere else. How many times has the girl harassed him? How many other times as he been attacked like this?_ Roman had to protect him against these people. “Janus,” he spoke without turning to look at his companion, “Would it be possible for you to summon a sword for me?”

“We can’t fight all of them,” Janus hissed. “If you try to attack her, the others might turn on us. We can’t risk getting seriously injured or killed here. Normally if we died in here, we would simply respawn in our own rooms, but things are already extremely strange in here. So, no, I will not summon a sword for you. I don’t trust that you won’t get us into trouble. These people aren’t real, Roman. I know they certainly _look_ like it, but they’re just illusions. Their lives don’t matter. We need to keep going to save your brother, who _is_ real and is having an extremely bad effect on Thomas right now. Just leave the boy and let’s go.”

 _When Roman had moved the lever in the correct order, the door opened. Remus clapped his hands and bounced on his toes. “Good job! Remember, it’s_ thirteen _times, not twelve. Alright, when that happens, a bunch of knives should show up and try to kill you! Don’t worry, Janus knows how to handle them. Now, come on! The Paradise of Fantasies is the most important place of all for you to see. I know you won’t like it, but I don’t want Janus to go in there just yet. But somebody has to know how to make it through there, so it’s your job!”_

_They made their way through the long vine tunnel. Remus put an arm around Roman’s shoulders and pointed ahead. “See that light? Right out there is the Paradise of Fantasies! Sexual fantasies, to be specific. It’s a beach full of naked people! I visit it all the time, it’s very nice. I mean, yeah, there’s plenty of rape going on down there, but who cares? Mostly everyone is enjoying themselves! They have feelings like you and me, so don’t start berating them about their lifestyle. It’s their choice to live wild and natural. Now, when you guys come in here to bring me back, there will be a boat on the opposite shore. Janus will tell you that you need to sail across the Sea of Drowning Screams, but if you’re running out of time and are willing to take a risk, you can always swim down to the bottom of the ocean and go through a hole and emerge on the other side of the world. Lots of sharks, though, so watch out!”_

So, Janus was lying. _He doesn’t know anything about this place, he even told us he’s never been here! Remus said they_ do _have feelings! I can’t abandon this poor kid!_ With a swoop of his arm, Roman snatched Janus’s crook and prepared himself for a fight. “Unless you want to regret it, don’t ever come near this boy again! I wouldn’t try defeating me- I have a weapon, and I’m very skilled in combat. I’m sure Remus wouldn’t like if you defied his brother’s orders, either.”

This made the girl shrink backwards. There were murmurs and gasps from the crowd watching them. Finally, she backed off and disappeared into the masses. With that, everyone returned to their activities. Roman hadn’t noticed before, but almost everyone had gone silent during his confrontation. Now, though, they were all talking just as loud as before. The boy bowed to Roman. “Thank you so much, sir! I don’t know what I would’ve done without your help. I need to find my mom, but please! Accept this as a gift of my gratitude!” From the boy’s nest of hair, he pulled out a small seashell and handed it to him. “Goodbye!”

As the boy took off into the throbbing ocean of dancing human bodies, Roman studied the seashell more closely. It was silver, with traces of blue and green rings covering the surface. _It’s beautiful… but it reminds me of Remus._ The ideas in his head about Remus were starting to become more confusing. Remus had _known_ he was going to duck out, and he’d done everything in his power to make sure there was a way to bring him back. _How did he know what he was going to do? I thought he was supposed to be a being of chaos!_ But the biggest question was why. _Why did he want to be saved? He could’ve just ducked out and not set up anything. Does he really care about Thomas that much, even after all the things Thomas has done to him?_

Janus snatched his crook back and knocked Roman on the head with it. “Don’t you _dare_ take my crook again! The next time you do something that stupid, _I’m_ going to make sure _you_ regret it! Come on, there are more important things to do than look at a _seashell_.”

Although the nudity still bothered Roman, he kept his eyes open- he just tried not to look at any parts that were usually covered. They carefully made their way through the people and eventually made their way out of the thickest bit of it. Now there was more space; people were laying on the ground handling each other, sand sticking to their skin with seawater. The boat was just a little ways’ ahead, although there appeared to be two people sitting in it. _I hope they don’t mind moving- if they do, I’ll just have to intimidate them with Janus’s crook again. I’m sure they’ll be sensible, though._

The two people were a man and a woman. The man was all up in her personal space, but she seemed to be enjoying it. Their hands were all over each other. Roman wanted to puke. _How do people_ like _that? Doesn’t it feel so violating?_ The trio approached them and when they were standing just next to the boat, Janus tightened his grip on his crook. “Would you mind getting out of the boat? We need to get across the Sea of Drowning Screams, and it’s our only option.”

In response, the woman gave him the middle finger and the couple continued on with their- arrangement. _How are we supposed to get them out?_ Janus was not going to have it. He slammed his crook against the side of the boat with a loud _thwack!_ “Oh, yes, it’s _totally_ not _rude_ to completely _ignore_ someone when they ask you something. Just look at everyone else, they seem perfectly able to have sex on the beach. Why don’t you join them? I bet there’s someone out there looking for a three-way and you’re not meeting them because you’re way over here.”

Finally, the two turned to face them. They both looked quite annoyed, but Roman felt a deep sense of fear the moment the man’s eyes landed on him. There was something about the man that alerted every sense of danger in his entire body. The man’s gaze shifted back to Janus. “Fine. We’ll leave, but it’ll cost you something.” _Cost him what?_ Janus frowned, apparently the same thought occurring to him. “And what would that be exactly?”

Before Roman could even blink, the man had leapt from the boat and tackled Roman to the ground. “Just a little fun!” he grinned, his eyes wide with anticipation. Roman let out a cry and tried to kick the guy off, but it was no use. The man ripped off his sash and started to pull at his shirt. _Oh my God he’s going to touch me, he’s going_ rape _me, I have to do something-_

Just then, Logan pushed the man away and smashed his foot down into his face. _Crack!_ Roman’s attacker let out a screech of pain as blood seeped from his now-broken nose. Janus had yanked the woman out of the boat and threw her into the water. She spluttered in the waves and clawed her way back up to shore, running off to the rest of her people. Roman scrambled to his feet, his heart going at full speed. _Logan saved me again!_ Being raped was his worst nightmare, and it had almost come true. _If Logan hadn’t gotten him off me, I… I don’t know what I would’ve done._ He ran over to the boat and clambered in, opposite of where Janus was already sitting. Logan quickly jogged over, leaving behind a bloody man. “He’s taken care of, let’s go.”

Roman and Janus each grabbed an oar and began to row them out to sea.


	8. Stay Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas gets berated by Virgil and Patton, and Virgil makes an important decision.

**_Thomas:_ **

The rest of the day somehow got worse.

After constructing his other unboxed LEGO set, Thomas resorted to video games again. This time, he started a new _Stardew Valley_ character. The thoughts of self-harm were still circulating in his head, but he was managing to keep them quiet at the moment. It wasn’t these intrusive thoughts that soon began to cause trouble, though. Out of the blue, as he sat on his couch with his controller in his hands interacting with an NPC, the thought of _what that NPC would look like naked?_ flashed into his head. This made him immediately turn off the TV and cover his face with his blanket, wanting to tear his eyes out for thinking such a thing. _Why did that occur to me? Why did I think something like that? I don’t even like that NPC, they’re annoying! What’s wrong with my head?_ There was no way he was going to get back on the game, so he instead grabbed a book from the bookshelf next to his small wooden table. It was _A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor_ \- he’d been meaning to read it lately but had been to busy. _Now’s as good a time as ever._

As he laid on his couch reading the book, his mind began to wander back to his earlier thoughts. He couldn’t help himself. The thoughts were completely unwanted, but they wouldn’t go away. It reminded him of a certain sleepless night all those months ago. _I thought Remus ducked out! Is he the one who’s been causing all these ideas to come up in my head? Is he actually okay? If so, should I bring Roman, Janus, and Logan back?_ No, he couldn’t. Something else could be happening, and Thomas couldn’t risk destroying whatever progress they had made. _When will they be back? How is it possible for them to be taking so long?_ Maybe they had been killed? Maybe they were trapped? _They’re just figments of my Imagination, so I could bring them back, right? No… not without Roman or Remus. There’s nothing I can do to save them if they’ve gotten themselves into deep, deep trouble._

None of this thinking helped solve his current situation. Thomas found himself setting his book aside and turning on his laptop to log onto his secret AO3 account. From here, he searched for sex-filled stories between his OTPs. This didn’t help quiet the intrusive thoughts- it only worsened them. Reading fanfiction after fanfiction, his mind soon became numb to it. _Why couldn’t I have been like this a couple nights ago?_

More time passed. The hours of the day and the day before had felt like nothingness. They had melted away like butter in a microwave, dissolving into liquid quicker than one would expect. Over time, Thomas could feel the already large hole in his stomach growing. The feeling of true hunger was setting in, aching like a radio emitting static as background noise. If only Thomas’s friends and family could see him now. _I’m disgusting in every single way._

Erotica soon felt too icky for his mind and he forced himself to close out of the web browser. How had Thomas gotten rid of his intrusive thoughts last time? _I had to accept them, even though I didn’t like them. Logan had to use logic to point out how unreasonable Remus was. But Logan isn’t here right now. Can I really do that?_ He closed his eyes and tried to focus. This couldn’t be too hard, right? _All I have to do is tell myself that they don’t have a real effect on me- at least, not directly. Patton and Virgil might be upset by them, but if I can convince them to calm down about it, I can move on to ignoring the thoughts and continuing on with my life._

Unfortunately, Thomas knew from the moment Virgil and Patton rose up that this wasn’t going to be as easy as last time. Virgil was gripping at his own hair, his eyeshadow once again spreading across his entire face. _Is that going to be permanent?_ Patton looked extremely nervous- or maybe uncomfortable was a better word? Neither of them seemed like they were going to cooperate like Thomas needed them to. Virgil made a wide gesture at him with his arms. “Are you _kidding_ me!? You think we’re gonna think this isn’t a big deal!? You’re reading fucking _smut_! You wanted to self-harm- you _still_ do- and you’re starving yourself! These aren’t your normal intrusive thoughts, Thomas, and this time, you’re acting on most of them! You can’t just ignore that!”

“Virgil’s right,” Patton let out some form of moan-sigh. “This is too much, Thomas. Something _really_ bad is going on. Do you really think you’re going to be able to function normally if you just toss these thoughts aside like they don’t matter? We weren’t freaking out about this until we realized just how weird this was getting. You’re not yourself anymore! I don’t know what I’m doing or what to tell you to make you feel better. I can’t say that Nico’s gonna come back and tell you that night was okay, that _you_ were okay. I can’t say that he’ll forgive you for what you did. Some of the things I’ve believed in without a doubt for our entire life are changing. I’ve always told you that you’re the most handsome person in the world and that your weight doesn’t matter, but now I don’t know. Everything is so confusing! There has to be a way to fix you, but… I just have no idea how, if it’s even possible.”

 _This is useless._ Thomas wrapped his arms around his body and stared at the floor. He almost felt like he was being lectured by his parents. Virgil resumed his waving body motions. “Look at this place! Your apartment is a _mess_! _You’re_ a mess! Your life is a mess! Everything is going wrong, and you’re doing nothing to fix it! What if you lose everyone you care about because you weren’t willing to get help? What if you get help and your friends start treating you differently? **What if Nico breaks up with you because he doesn’t want to be with someone as broken as you? What if he thinks you don’t love him because you didn’t want to fuck with him?** ”

The remaining pieces of Thomas’s heart cracked. He felt the tears- how many would he cry in the time it took for Remus to be brought back?- dwelling on the edges of his vision. The ground shifted into blurriness. Neither Patton nor Virgil said anything. He didn’t want it to be true. He didn’t want another relationship to end badly. The last one had been a disaster. Thomas had been heartbroken for so long that he’d visited Patton’s room to drown in nostalgia of the good times. _I never want to feel that terrible again._ If Nico broke up with him… he didn’t know how he was going to deal with it. _I would never be able to put myself out there for someone ever again._

Without saying anything to the two sides, Thomas got up and made his way upstairs. He knew Virgil and Patton were following close behind. Thinking about Nico abandoning him was just making everything so much _worse_. And now he was imagining _Nico and him_ having sex. He wanted to rip the thought out of his brain- saw off his skull to access the pink nerve tissue, to destroy the thing that was causing him to be such a dirty person. If it would just _go away_ , everything would be better. He went into his bedroom and collapsed into his bed, hiding in the layers of blanket and burrowing his face into the pillow. Maybe he could sleep it off. The pain of his hunger made him feel like there was a giant hole in his midriff. Gaping, snarling, growling for some sort of substance, his body was telling him that he needed _something_ to run on. But there was _no_ way that was happening. Tears continued to pour down from his eyes like endless waterfalls. Desolate, alone, high up in the mountains- waterfalls that nobody had ever visited before. _If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?_ Nobody knew that Thomas was in this state. Nobody knew that he was suffering. So, was there an impact from any decisions that Thomas made in the time that he was stepping out of the world?

It was here that he fell asleep. With his face tear-stained, his brain slowly allowed itself to turn off and dreams of sexual fantasies hazily played out before his eyes.

**_Virgil:_ **

While Thomas fell asleep, Patton and Virgil sat down on the floor and began to make friendship bracelets together. The bracelets’ colors were all the same shade of gray, and their knot formations were the most basic. Neither of them knew how to make something prettier without Roman’s aura feeding into their ideas. The bracelets looked quite bleak and not very friendly, but the act meant more than the actual gift.

Inevitably, Virgil couldn’t help but bring up their current situation. His eyeshadow grew darker and he muttered, “What do you think the others are doing right now? I mean, they’re certainly taking their lovely time. How long does it take to get through the Imagination? It can’t be _that_ big, right? The last time I was in there, there were only seven different places.” _Yeah, I haven’t gone everywhere, but I doubt there’s much more to make than giant human-eating elephant monsters. I’m definitely glad I didn’t have to go._

Patton seemed to think about it for a moment before shaking his head. “Remember, time passes differently in the Imagination. I think Logan said it depends on how much energy Thomas has. And we both know that energy is not something Thomas has a lot of right now.”

 _That’s true…_ Virgil hadn’t been in either of the Imaginations in a long time, so he wouldn’t know. He still didn’t feel comfortable in Roman’s Imagination. It was still unknown whether his home had switched over yet, and he didn’t want to risk getting stuck in there. In normal circumstances, anyone who was made from a certain Imagination could enter at any given time. The reason why it had been different this time and Roman was the only one able to open the door was because Remus had ducked out. The power to access the Imagination was drawn from the two beings of Creativity, so once the power source was taken out, the door remained locked to everyone- apart from any other beings of the Imagination. In any case, if Virgil was still technically classified as a “Dark Side”, he wouldn’t be able to leave Roman’s Imagination on his own.

The last time he’d been in there, Virgil had admitted his feelings to Roman. It had gone better than expected, actually. He’d known beforehand that Roman didn’t like him back in that way, but he’d wanted to get it out in the open. It had taken a whole lot of bravery, but Virgil had managed to spill everything. They’d had a long talk about it and had come to the conclusion that they were much better off as best friends or brothers. It had been a big relief off Virgil’s chest, even though of _course_ he would always be in love with Roman- but he’d learned how to set his love aside for the betterment of their relationship. So, the Imagination was not always the place he wanted to be. He often wondered how different things could’ve been if Roman had liked him back, but in the back of his mind he knew it was better this way. Virgil didn’t _need_ romance; he needed someone who could look out for him.

In any case, Virgil knew how dangerous Remus’s Imagination was. _Roman and Logan won’t be ready to see what’s in there. This whole situation is making Thomas aware of all the things that he pushed away for good reasons. He can’t simply go back to the way things were after all of this. This will all still have happened, and he’s going to have to face that. Ugh, I wish things were so much simpler. If Remus hadn’t ducked out, none of this would have happened._

Without looking up from his bracelet, Virgil asked, “How long do you think Thomas can last without them? The others. No self-preservation, no creativity, no logic- that’s gotta be pretty bad, right? He only has his anxiety and morality. That’s not really a good duo in this kind of situation. Maybe Logan should’ve stayed behind.”

“No!” Patton objected, a look of determination on his face. He hugged Virgil, “Remember? We’re the bestest, mostest, dynamicist, duoist duo in the entire Thomasphere! We can do this! We can make sure that nothing bad happens to Thomas on our own. All we have to do is get him stimulated! He’s feeling depressed because he’s making himself stay inside and do nothing. If we can get him out of the house to do something fun, I’m sure that’ll cheer him up! As long as we have each other, nothing can go wrong!” He leaned back a little and looked deep into Virgil’s eyes. “I know you’re scared, Virgil. But I’m your father, and I will do everything in my power to make sure nothing bad happens to any of us. You don’t need to be afraid.”

A feeling of hope grew inside Virgil. _Can he really fix this?_ Patton _was_ basically the most important side and held the most power over Thomas’s actions. Could he actually bring Thomas’s spirits back up? _Maybe we do make a good team…_ “But everything is going so badly right now,” he whispered. “Are you sure there’s something you can do? I don’t want things to get worse because we tried doing something to make Thomas feel better and it went horribly wrong. What if we go outside and one of our friends sees us? They’ll ask us questions, and we won’t be able to avoid them. They might find out what Thomas has been doing to himself. Can we really risk something like that?”

It took a moment of hesitation before Patton finally answered. He looked down at the carpet beneath them. “I think that is a risk we’ll have to take. If Thomas can’t help himself, then he’ll need his friends eventually. Maybe it would be better if we _did_ run into someone we knew. Virgil… you’re right. This is something very serious, and anything might make Thomas break completely. We can’t let _anything_ bad happen to him. His friends will be there for him. If this gets to a point where Thomas is _actually_ going to harm himself, we have to get help. I know he almost cut himself yesterday, but I don’t think going to happen unless something changes. In the meantime, our job is to make sure his mental state doesn’t get worse. I wish Janus was here to do this, but he’s not, so we’ll have to do. Virgil, what kind of activities calm you down?”

 _What_ does _calm me down?_ Thomas’s friends, audiobooks, music, and Roman were all effective. But could Thomas focus on an audiobook right now? There were so many intrusive thoughts going through his head. _Remus… Intrusive thoughts are caused by him, so he must’ve come back! But if he’s back, where are Roman, Logan, and Janus?_ That was quite suspicious. Virgil decided to ignore Patton’s question and instead almost ripped his friendship bracelet apart. “If Thomas is getting all these bad things put in his head by Remus, then Remus must no longer be ducked out! The others never came back. What if it was all a trap in the first place? He could’ve ducked out to lure them in there and now he’s got them trapped! He’s probably trying to prove a point! He wants Thomas to see what it would be like if he didn’t have anyone but him. **Maybe Remus will come and take us into the Imagination, and Thomas will be left as an empty shell of who he once was, and all that will remain will be a psychopathic murderer and rapist.** ”

Patton looked stunned but managed to recover quickly. His face turned sad. “Virgil, no! I know he can be difficult, but Remus is a part of Thomas. He wouldn’t want to make Thomas hurt like that. And besides, if Remus was okay now, wouldn’t the others’ functions be working again in the Imagination? Remus doesn’t have the power to stop their core functions on his own. I don’t know how these thoughts are coming about, but it’s not because he betrayed us. I know you two don’t have the best relationship, but please trust me on this.”

 _That’s an understatement._ Virgil had never really cared all that much for Remus. Some of the things he did still freaked Virgil out. It had never been that much of a problem, though- until now. If Remus was behind all of this…

Virgil would not let him get away with it.


	9. The Sea of Drowning Screams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman, Logan, and Janus go for a swim.

**_Roman:_ **

The water was _endless_. Roman had never seen such a large body of water before, except perhaps when Thomas used to go fishing with his Uncle Buck. Maybe the two were related- Thomas hated it out on the ocean, so maybe this stemmed from that? Roman didn’t know how much time had passed since they’d left the Paradise of Fantasies, but he was still shaken by what that man had tried to do to him. His body had been trembling so badly that Logan had taken the oar from him only a few minutes after escaping. _“Please, relax,”_ Logan had told him. So, Roman was now curled up uncomfortably on the bottom of the boat, trying to forget the feeling of those hands pulling at his clothes. His sash was gone now, and he didn’t feel entirely himself without it.

It was strange how Roman’s mind emptied as he laid there. Ideas and stories dissipated when usually his head would fill up when he was running idle. His eyes unfazed and he felt his whole body go still, save his breathing. That boat ride became the longest meshed-together moment Roman had ever experienced. Nothing changed- Janus and Logan paddled with the oars, water swishing upon the disturbance. The sun shone down on them, glaring into Roman’s eyes. It was one of the only things that stirred Roman’s mind. _I could stay here forever…_

A sort of lucid dream followed. Hands reached out for him from the pits of hell as he tried to grasp his way towards the sky. Roman was trying to cling onto clouds, falling lower and lower as spindly fingers twisted around his body and whispers echoed in his ears. They were telling him to let go, to come with them into the darkness where they could torture him and touch his body. They promised to make it worth his while. _If you let us rape you, we’ll tell you that you’re doing a fine job. We’ll tell you that Nico loves you. We’ll tell you that_ Logan _loves you. Everything will be okay. Just let us touch you, just let us rape you. It will be okay._ Roman didn’t let go of the clouds, clinging on for his dear life. The abyss below was getting larger, trying to swallow him up, but he was keeping away from it. _I can make it. I can make it!_ But the hands pried his fingers away from his hold and he went plummeting into the darkness below.

Before Roman could fully understand what was happening, he’d jerked awake and leapt up, slipping and crashing off the side of the boat. _SPLASH!!_ He plunged into the ocean, his arms flailing around to grab something. Janus cried out in alarm- or maybe it was Logan? Roman wasn't sure- his head was underwater. The liquid surrounding him was a deep blue, extremely clean. He was just getting his bearings back when someone latched onto his hand and pulled his head up out of the water. Roman coughed up water, air rushing into his lungs. It was Logan; he was trying to pull Roman back up into the boat as Janus kept the vessel steady. But Roman could feel something trying to drag him down- not physically, but a force. Logan put his feet up against the side of the boat, desperately trying to rip Roman out of the sea. “This- shouldn’t- be this- hard!” he grunted out. Janus raised an eyebrow, “Wow, Roman, I didn’t notice that you’d gained weight.”

 _Oh, that’s it! I’m going to kill him when I get back on that fucking boat!_ Unfortunately, Roman wasn’t exactly in the greatest position to retort back. The force was getting stronger, and with a sudden yank Logan himself toppled over and into the sea. But neither of them made it that far under. Roman thought he could see someone hanging onto Logan’s leg from above. _This must look absolutely ridiculous!_ His lungs were burning as oxygen was beginning to reach dangerously low levels. _Are we all going to die by drowning? Out of everything, that’s what’s going to kill us?_ Wait- hadn’t Remus said there was a shortcut to their next destination if they swam down to the bottom of the ocean floor? _He said it was dangerous too- but if he expected us to make it all the way down there, then there must be a way we can survive without oxygen!_

Janus fell in after them and they all began to drift downwards, away from the boat and the glimmering sun. The water was so _cold_. It was freezing Roman’s veins, slowing his movement. Or maybe that was the oxygen depletion? The water filled his ears and soaked deep into his clothes. His hair swirled around his head, getting in his open eyes. Logan and Janus were above him but sinking just as fast. Janus was desperately trying to fight his way back up to the surface, but his efforts were useless. _How are we supposed to find the right hole? How long can we stay here without dying?_ Roman turned around and started diving down, the current that was tugging them down aiding him and bringing him swiftly deeper.

The silence was almost unbearable. Not a single sound could be heard, and the pressure of the water was building against Roman’s skin. He didn't know if Janus and Logan were following- hopefully they were. If they got separated, who _knew_ how they’d save Remus? _What if we all get stuck in here forever? Thomas could call us back, right? This place seems kind of broken with Remus gone- what if that prevents us from coming back?_ So many things could go wrong. _Why did Remus have to ruin absolutely everything?_

The sense of falling in water was much different than falling in air. While in the air- like jumping out the Gate of Velocity- one could see the ground below and the fear of crashing into it was overwhelming. The force against one’s body would compel them to scream, no matter how hard they tried not to. Meanwhile, when one sunk in water, it felt as if they were now a leaf: floating down towards the ground in fall, a wind stirring their path into a different direction. It felt safer, almost. But Roman was aware of what lived further down. _How are we supposed to escape sharks? They'll eat us whole!_ What would happen if the three of them died? Would they reappear back in their rooms, or would they die forever? _Thomas wouldn’t have us anymore. What would he become with only Virgil and Patton left?_ No creativity, no logic, no self-preservation- _his mental health will be non-existent! Patton will go back to his old ways of repression and self-sacrificing, and Virgil will simply fortify that! With no opposition, Thomas’s whole life will fall apart!_ One thing was for sure- none of them could die, or a missing Remus would be the least of their problems.

Someone tapped his shoulder. Roman glanced sideways and saw it was Logan. Logan frowned, tilting his head slightly. _What are you doing?_ was obviously the question. Roman wasn’t sure how to explain what he knew. He hadn’t told them about the shortcut; it had seemed too dangerous, and he didn’t want them to risk their lives. _Too late now._ Roman thought for a moment before pointing to his head and then down. _I know what I’m doing, trust me, swim down there!_ It seemed that Logan understand, and he looked over his shoulder and beckoned to Janus. They continued delving into the depths of the dark black of the sea.

Soon, they could see nothing. Light couldn’t reach this far down. They once again made a sort of conga line, each one of them clinging with one hand onto the person below them and using their other hand to swim. Roman felt like his chest was going to explode. _It hurts so badly, but it’s better than drowning!_ He wasn’t sure how long he could handle it until he went insane. His eyes ached and his movements were getting slower and slower. _How deep is this sea? How long will this take?_ Roman wished he could scream, wished he could _say something_. But he didn’t know whether opening his mouth would be the end of him, didn’t know if he would be heard anyways. The silence was too overpowering. _Where is the fucking hole?_

A hand took his own. _Logan._ Roman knew it was Logan- that gentle touch, yet firm at the same time. Roman didn’t want to ever let it go. It calmed him slightly to know that Logan was there, probably experiencing the same thing. _We’re in this together._

Something brushed against Roman’s leg. _What was that?_ It had felt slimy- like skin, but smoother. Logan was still holding his hand. _Seriously, what the fuck was that?_ He couldn’t warn the others that something was with them now without opening his mouth. Did he dare risk that? Desperately, Roman patted at Janus’s shoulder and squeezed Logan’s hand multiple times, hoping they would realize that something was wrong. Of course, this only resulted in Janus weakly slapping his hand away, his movement too slow in the water to do any real damage. _Ugh, why can’t he ever try to listen to-_

 _Chomp!_ Teeth crunched down on Roman’s shoulder and he screamed. Or did he? The empty void of the sea sucked up his voice and left nothing behind. Water flooded into his body through his open mouth, choking him and making every cell in his body screech with agony. The teeth were digging into his flesh, wrenching it and trying to tear it away. The muscles were being ripped, the tendons getting destroyed, and Roman could feel nothing but pain. It felt like his very life force was being stripped from him. _HELP ME!!_ he tried to cry, but nothing came out.

The teeth were then gone, but his new injury didn’t hurt any less. Roman could feel motion in the water around him, but without any light it was impossible to tell what was going on. Then he was being dragged downwards as from just below a lantern shone through the darkness of the water, gripped tightly in Janus’s hand. Janus's face was illuminated by it, along with the shark that was opposing them. Pieces of white fabric and flesh were stuck in its teeth, with blood dripping down from its jaws. _Is that all from me?_ With a dizzy feeling, Roman looked over at his shoulder and almost puked. The wound looked _horrific_ , and it wasn’t even in the full light. The bite had gone deep- there was a massive chunk gone. Blood was _pouring_ out of it, red against the dark, dark blue of the water, floating away from him. Logan was still beside Roman, and he tried to cover Roman’s injury with his hands. Roman recoiled, pain flashing through that entire area of his body. _It hurts so bad! Please please please please please make it stop!!_

The shark made a jump for Janus, but the half-snake man jabbed his crook into its eye. It retreated a bit and bared its teeth. Janus pointed down with his hand, which made Roman look where it was aiming. Just below their feet was the sea floor; or rather, a hole in the sea floor. _We’ve been drawn to right exactly where we need to be!_ But the hope was faint as Roman’s vision began to turn black. The water was still rushing in through his nose and mouth, filling up his body like a glass until he died.

Instead of facing the shark like heroes, Roman was dragged along with Logan and Janus into the hole. The shark would’ve followed them if it weren’t for Janus throwing his crook into its mouth, momentarily distracting it. The trio made it through and immediately emerged into sweet, sweet air. Roman couldn’t breathe it, though. His lungs were full and water, and the world was fading away. _What will happen to me when I’m dead?_ he wondered faintly. His friends were dragging him onto land. _What is this soil?_ Dirt? Sand? _Sand._ But not the sand that had been on that beach in the Paradise of Fantasies. This was dry, sharp, burning. It was getting into his hair and his eyes. _Where are we? Where’s the water?_

Deep in his subconscious, he knew what was happening. _I’m drowning. I drowned? I can’t breathe, there’s too much water in me._ There was still liquid in his mouth, bubbling on his lips. Roman’s eyelids were drifting shut, the blurry and darkening world disappearing for a moment and reappearing the next. _Virgil would be making fun of me if he could see me… He’s going to be mad when Janus and Logan tell him I died._ Mad beyond words. _I promised him I wouldn’t die on him in the Imagination, and now look where I am._ Would Virgil cry for him? Virgil _had_ been in love with him at one point, and maybe still was. Maybe it would be nice to have some to cry over him. The tears could add to the rest of the water in him.

A sudden, tight punch to Roman’s chest made him splutter water weakly. _That was painful…_ Another one, followed by so many more. Then someone was… _kissing_ him? _What’s going on?_ Nothing was making sense anymore. Air was reaching his lungs, finally! No, it wasn’t a kiss- someone was performing CPR on him. _Who is it?_ More chest compressions followed until, eventually, Roman rolled over and coughed up about an entire gallon of water, soaking the sand and getting all his clothes even more disgusting than they already were. The pain in his shoulder spiked and he cried out in pain, slumping onto his back again. The drowning threat was over, but nothing had felt like this before. Fire was licking his entire arm, burning every single nerve cell. Roman’s vision was clearing, and he could see Logan bending over him, taking off his tie and using it to wrap Roman’s shoulder. Roman screamed in anguish at the pressure against it. _Stop touching it stop touching it stop touching it!!_

“Hold still,” Logan’s cool voice murmured. It instantly entranced Roman. _He’s taking care of me… this is the third time he’s saved me! Gosh darn it, I owe him! Why can’t I ever protect myself? This is getting embarrassing!_

Their surroundings came back into focus as Roman’s brain drank in the oxygen it needed to function properly. They were in a small cave, with light illuminating a large portion of the area through the entrance only a few feet away. Roman was lying just next to the hole they had emerged from. There was sand _everywhere_. Janus was sitting across from them, his entire outfit soaked completely through. Water dripped from the rim of his hat and plopped onto his folded hands. His crook was nowhere to be seen; evidently, the shark still had it. He raised an eyebrow at Roman. “I don’t think this Imagination likes you very much. Everything seems to be out to get you. How many times has Logan had to save you now? Three, isn’t it? If you don’t stop getting yourself into trouble, there’s going to be a time when we can’t rescue you.”

Logan shook his head. “As you said earlier, Janus; this entire mission will be pointless if we let one of us be destroyed. We will do everything in our power to save you, Roman. Without a creativity, Thomas will be lost. His whole livelihood will be thrown out the window. I doubt Patton will ever be happy without someone like you, Roman, to come up with inspiring stories and a fun lifestyle. Unfortunately, it’s been proven time and time again that nobody else is responsible for Thomas’s incredible ideas- that makes you the most important side.”

 _What?_ Did… did Logan just say that _Roman_ was the most important side? _He said my stories are inspiring and incredible!_ Roman’s heart was soaring, and he couldn’t keep his jaw from dropping slightly. When had Logan ever thought like this before? Logan _never_ complimented his work like that. “Really?” Roman choked out. After all this time, he’d thought that Logan hated all of his creations- was it actually different? Logan, who was still next to him and who was still gently touching his arm, nodded. _Is this a dream? This can’t be real. He… he doesn’t hate me. What am I supposed to say to that? Nobody’s ever said that before. The most Thomas has ever said is that I’m his hero._ Roman could feel his eyes widen with shock, and his heart skipped a few beats. _Should I kiss Logan? Would he be okay with that? He’s Logic, so does he not have feelings?_

“Come on!” Janus suddenly stood up, completely ruining the moment. _What is his deal!?_ “The longer we dilly-dally, the more likely we’re all going to die. If we have arrived at the same place that going by boat would’ve taken us, we are now in the Desert of Flesh. It’s probably the most dangerous place to roam, and there’s nowhere to hide. The moment we step outside, we need to stay on guard for any hostile creatures, got that?”

The other two both murmured their agreement, and Janus beckoned to them. “Let’s go.”


	10. Stay Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas cries in the shower for a very long time.

**_Thomas:_ **

The third day of Thomas’s isolation had begun. Obviously, it wasn’t much better than the two previous days. This time, Thomas didn’t bother getting out of bed. Time ticked by on his bedside clock, but he didn’t care. If he got up, the rest of the day would only be the same as the past two days- they had been terrible, so maybe he should just skip the next so-many-hours and wake up tomorrow. It was nice to forget about the entire world as he let himself roam free in his own mind of half-lucid dreams of Nemo and Marlin from _Finding Nemo_ crossing an ocean, trying to find someone or something. _Dory?_ No, it wasn’t Dory. Something was missing.

Eventually, Thomas accidentally rolled over and fell off the bed. _Thump!_ The impact sent adrenaline spiking through him, thoroughly waking him up for good. He groaned and rubbed at his face, the blanket still tangled around his body. _What time is it?_ he wondered groggily. As the aching in his face sunk in from the fall, Thomas reached up and pulled his alarm clock down to view the time. _1:42 PM._ _Whoa, that’s really late. I need to get up._ Did he though? Maybe he could just stay in bed until his body rotted away into nothingness. _I bet Nico would be relieved that I was gone. He would finally get to move on and enjoy his life instead of letting me hold him back._

It took him a while, but he finally managed to stand up. Thomas tossed the blanket onto the bed and checked his phone. _Uh oh._ There were four missed messaged and two missed calls- all from Nico. _Should I read them or ignore them?_ If Thomas didn’t, that would be too suspicious. Nico would probably come and break down the door, as Thomas hadn’t even responded to his text from two nights before. Bracing himself for the worst, he unlocked his phone and checked their messages. _This could go so wrong, but what else am I supposed to do?_

**_Hey, Thomas, I’m at your door. Are you asleep? I’ve knocked three times._ **

**_Guess you were asleep! I haven’t heard from you for a couple days, are you okay? Did what happened when we last saw each other hurt you? I’m so sorry, I really shouldn’t have pushed you to do something like that._ **

**_It’s not like you to not respond, are you okay?_ **

**_Thomas, please answer me. I’m getting really worried._ **

**_I’ve called you twice and you haven’t picked up, I’m coming over. I swear, if you ate those carrots and died from poison, I will never forgive myself. …In all seriousness, I’m starting to think something really bad happened to you. Please, call me as soon as you see this and let me know how you’re doing. Love you._ **

_Shit!_ Thomas fumbled with his phone, sitting back down on the bed, and pressed the call button. His body was trembling. _I’m not going to be able to lie about anything. I can’t do that. I can’t lie to Nico. I just have to be careful about what I say._ It took a few moments before Nico picked up, and Thomas couldn’t say anything before his boyfriend started talking. “Oh my God, Thomas! Thank goodness! Jesus Christ, I- are you okay? What’s going on? Don’t worry, I pulled over, I’m not talking while driving! Just tell me what’s happening!”

“I just woke up, sorry,” Thomas almost choked on his words. “I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your text; I didn’t see my phone went off and I didn’t really use it yesterday.” That was a blatant lie- at least, about not knowing that Nico had texted him. It felt bitter on his tongue. _I guess Patton doesn’t think it’s necessary to let Nico in on what’s going on right now._ “I’m not dead, don’t worry.”

On the other end, Nico sighed with relief. “Good. Just… please don’t go silent on me like that again. You really, _really_ scared me Thomas. And I’m so sorry that I left so suddenly the other night, I thought… to be honest, I didn’t really believe you when you said it wasn’t because of me. I’ve been trying to work up the courage to do something like that for a while, and… I just got scared. It’s totally fine that you’re not ready to go that far yet. You don’t have to think about that until you want to. If I ever do something you’re not comfortable with again, tell me immediately and I’ll stop. Are you okay, though? Not being dead doesn’t mean you’re okay. Do you want me to come over? I’m almost there, I’d be just seven minutes.”

_No! I can’t let him come here!_ What could Thomas say? “No, it’s fine. I… I’ve just been taking the past couple of days off to think about some things. I’m not going to hurt myself or anything, don’t worry. What happened that night, it got me thinking about some stuff. I’m trying to figure out why I reacted that way. Would it be okay if you didn’t hear from me for another couple of days? I promise I’ll be fine; I just want to have some more time to myself.” _Please let him buy it! I can tell him everything once Remus is back. Then I can make it up to him by giving him what he wants. Everything will be okay, but I just need a little more time! If only Janus, Roman, and Logan could get back sooner!_

There was a moment of silence before Nico responded. “It sounds like you’re thinking about breaking up with me,” he said quietly. “If you need time to think about that, then I’ll give it to you. But I’d also like you to discuss any issues you may have with me instead of deciding to cut me off forever.”

“No, no, no!” Fear spiked through Thomas. _Oh no, what am I doing? I’m just making everything worse!_ “That’s not what this is about! I love you, Nico, and I would never want to break up with you because of something like that. I’m just trying to figure out why I was so scared to actually… _do it_ , you know? I’ve never felt like that before. I don’t think it had anything to do with you. I’m pretty sure it might be because of the stress I’ve been under lately, but I’m telling you right now that I’m not mad or upset about you trying to start something. To be honest, I’m madder at myself for acting so weirdly.”

Laughter came from Nico’s end. “Don’t sweat it! We can talk about this once you return to the world, okay? You take your time and relax; I won’t bother you anymore. Love you!”

“Love you too,” Thomas smiled a little as the phone hung up. Slowly, he let his hand drop to his side as he sat staring at the opposing wall. There were too many different thoughts flying around his brain to make any sense. _Are we okay now? Did he really mean all that? Was he lying? Does he really love me or is he just saying that because we’re “dating”?_ Maybe it seemed like everything was okay, but Thomas still felt broken. He set his phone aside and decided to take his first shower in three days, grabbing the nearest clean set of clothes and heading into the bathroom.

It took a good ten minutes just to take off his clothes and get everything ready for his shower. Thomas found himself staring into the mirror, criticizing his body again. It really was disgusting, revolting, _sickening_. If only he could take a razor and slice it away. Eventually, he made it inside the shower and turned on the water, steam rising from the heat as he let out a content sigh. It actually felt nice and relaxing. _Maybe the past couple of days would’ve gone better if I’d taken a shower._ Slowly, he scrubbed at his sticky skin until it felt smooth and soft. The water felt incredible, heating up his cold body and stirring up something inside him. Softly, he began to sing whatever came to mind. The words didn’t rhyme, but they had a decent tune. Thomas could definitely tell his talent had dissipated without Roman. The song he whispered about swimming was nothing original and he often found himself singing in the wrong key. Quickly, his inspiration faded, and the bathroom fell into silence.

After a few minutes, Thomas washed his hair. The feeling of his fingers against his scalp was amazing, and he thanked himself for deciding to do this. But the longer he stayed in there, the more the relaxation faded, and he was left with an empty hole in his heart. _How long will I keep myself here without seeing Nico? How long will it take for me to be skinny enough?_ He looked down at his body, cringing and looking away quickly. _The next time Nico sees me, he’ll realize that it was good that he got out of here. I wish he would just break up with me already, just so I wouldn’t have to feel this way. If he wasn’t part of my life, I wouldn’t have to worry about hurting him. I could just stay in my apartment and never have to worry about anyone else._

He found himself sitting in the tub, water like rain splashing down onto his head. _When Nico’s gone, I can cut myself. It won’t matter how ugly I’ll look, because there’ll be nobody to care. I’ll finally be able to feel something other than whatever this is._ Every cut could be an apology. _I’m sorry, Nico. I’m sorry, Joan. I’m sorry, Quil. I’m sorry, everyone._

The dominating thoughts in his head, though, were of sex. They were flashing before his eyes unrelentingly. Bodies writhing together, sharing their love, and he couldn’t push the thoughts away. They were so wrong, and he wanted to get rid of them more than anything in the world. Distantly, he recognized that he was sobbing into his hands. That didn’t matter, though. Nothing mattered in this harsh world of pain.

It was lonely, sitting in that bathtub. The reality of the situation was starting to fully process. At this point, it was unlikely that Janus, Roman, and Logan would be coming back. It couldn’t possibly be taking so much time for them to find Remus. _Two and a half days… I’m never going to be the person I was before ever again, am I?_ Thomas wasn’t going to have any more creativity, or logic, or self-preservation- his whole life would fall into ruin. Everything was ending. Things would never be the same again. One by one, Thomas’s friends and family would abandon him until he was all alone in the world. What would he do at that point? Would it be worth it to continue doing anything by himself? _At that point, would I kill myself?_ His sobs wracked his body and he gasped for air. He didn’t know how long he’d been in the shower, and he didn’t care. It didn’t _matter_ , because nothing mattered. There was no possible way that anything could get better. The rest of Thomas’s life would be like this; sitting in his bathtub, letting the water spiraling down the drain uselessly, bawling his eyes out, wondering when the time would be to finally end his sorry life.

Virgil was beside him the entire time. His entire outfit was sopping wet, but he didn’t seem to care. There were no shoes on his feet, only socks: pale, dark purple like the patches on his jacket. Something about his demeanor seemed off. There was a new resignation in his eyes, and his shoulders were slouched more than usual. _Man, he looks exhausted…_ that’s _not a surprise._ After who-knew-how-long, Virgil finally spoke. “Do you really think you can do it?” he mumbled.

_Can I?_ That was the question, wasn’t it? _Do I have the guts to commit suicide?_ It was definitely a sign that Janus was gone that Thomas was even considering it. Usually, the few times a thought anywhere near suicidal would send off all the alarms in Thomas’s head. But now he was free to make that choice without immediately backing out. The steam was suffocating him, fogging everything in his mind until it was an unclearable haze. He had no idea how he would even do it, but _damn_ did he want to. Virgil huddled up close to Thomas, murmuring things into his ear like always. “If you die, will anyone even miss you? Will they celebrate your death? Will they rejoice when they hear the news, will they say ‘finally!’? Will you have a legacy, or will you fade into the deep black of the void with nobody to remember you?”

It was then that Patton appeared. He was on Thomas’s right, while Virgil was on the left. His glasses had cracks in them, and the frames were barely hanging onto his ears. He was wearing his cat hoodie over his blue shirt, and the edges of the sleeves were frayed. Patton took Thomas’s hand and squeezed it tight. “Kiddo, I don’t want you to ever think about something like that again. _Nobody’s_ suicide should be or is celebrated. Suicide is one of the worse plagues of this world, and it takes so many lives every day. The people in your life _love_ you, Thomas. They always have. Some aspects of you won’t change that. You are a wonderful person, through and through. If people don’t see that, then they’re the ones who need to change. There are some things you have no control over, and that’s what causes intrusive thoughts. Things are really hectic right now, kiddo, but that doesn’t mean we can’t stick it out. As long as you believe someone loves you, then there’s something to live for. And guess what? _I_ love you.”

The two of them stared at each other. Thomas looked into Patton’s brown eyes; they matched his exactly. _I love myself. But do I really?_ Thomas didn’t know what to think anymore. Shaking his head, he avoided his morality’s gaze. “You’re a figment of my imagination, so that doesn’t really mean anything, does it?”

None of them said anything.

Finally, Patton stood up, pulling on Thomas’s arm. “Come on,” he sighed, as if he didn’t want to really try. “You’re wasting so much water, and nothing is going to get better by staying in here.” Of course, Thomas didn’t move, and Virgil simply shook his head and took Patton’s hand away. Virgil gritted his teeth into a frustrated grin. “You don’t get it. If we leave this bathroom, everything is just going to get worse. If we stay here, nothing will change. Yeah, it won’t get better, but it won’t get _worse_. Right now, I’m pretty sure the only way we can go is down. Please, don’t make him leave. Just another hour or two. Just let him cry.”

It was stalemate that couldn’t be broken. Thomas knew he should get up and face the day, but all his fears and shame screamed no. Nothing could hurt him here, in this bathroom. If he never left, he would never have to deal with the next bad thing. Maybe the thoughts would eventually dull into nothingness as Thomas let go of his mind. The only thing he would hear from that day forward would be the rushing water, the pitter-pattering around him, the pipes creaking. Eventually, one of his friends would get the owner of the complex to open the door and they would find his rotting, naked body there, soggy and with the water still running. A smile would cross Nico as the thought of freedom came upon him. His death would make Nico _happy_. Some things worked out in the end. In this case, the man Thomas loved wouldn’t be heartbroken when he offed himself.

It seemed that Virgil’s words sunk in effectively. Patton slowly sat back down beside them, leaning against Thomas. _This has gotten so bad that my heart has given up._ What hope did Thomas have left? Was it possible to dream about a future of good things when he had absolutely no chance of reaching it? There wasn’t a way to crawl back up from the depths of hell to which he had dropped. Regrets spun around his head, making him dizzy. _If I had just listened to Remus, he would have never ducked out. If I had agreed to have sex with Nico, our relationship wouldn’t be broken. If I hadn’t sent Janus, Roman, and Logan after Remus, I wouldn’t be feeling like this._ So many mistakes in such little time- and they were all devastating.

Probably an hour had passed in that shower. Thomas didn’t know for sure, but it could’ve been even more. _I’m going to have a massive water bill this month._ That didn’t matter, though. Once again, he reminded himself that _nothing mattered_. The three of them sat quietly in the tub, all thinking the same thing. _Is this ever going to end?_ Finally, Patton said in a small voice, “I miss the others.”

They all started to cry, holding onto each other as their small world cracked a little more.


	11. The Desert of Flesh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman, Logan, and Janus find themselves surrounded by sand and monsters.

**_Roman:_ **

It took Roman a moment to be able to stand up. Using Logan and the wall as support, he managed to push himself up to his feet. Strength was slowly ebbing back into his body. _I almost just died!_ It had certainly been a frightening experience. Hopefully, something like that wouldn’t happen again. _We still don’t know what happens if one of us_ does _die… We’re supposed to be figments of Thomas’s imagination, but our functions and effects are real. If we die… what will that leave Thomas left with?_

They made their way out of the cave and found themselves standing in the middle of an endless desert- well, endless to the west, north, and south. There was a shore just next to them to the east. _This is where we would’ve landed- probably hours later, if not days! Good thing I fell into the ocean._ Of course, remembering how horrific the burning in his lungs had been made Roman shiver. _I hope I never have to feel that ever again! I also hope this wound goes away once we leave this place- I can’t imagine how annoying it would be to actually have to wait for it to heal properly! I’m imaginary, I shouldn’t have to deal with that!_

Janus swished his hand around, but nothing appeared. He frowned, trying again. When it didn’t work the second time, he stated grimly, “We’re running out of time. I can’t summon anything anymore. Of _course_ this had to happen before we make it through the Desert of Flesh! A sword or a crook _definitely_ wouldn’t be helpful trying to fight off the Preyfinders. I _doubt_ we’ll get eaten alive by giant mammoth-rhinoceros creatures. We’ll make it to the Caverns of Hopelessness without _any_ trouble, you’ll see.”

“We get it!” Roman groaned, rolling his eyes. “It’s not like it’s _our_ fault, if you have a problem with not being able to summon things, tell Remus. Look, we obviously have to cross this desert, so there’s no use complaining about it until you die, Two-Face.”

The two of them glared at each other and only broke their gazes when Logan cleared his throat. He raised an eyebrow, “See, this is why I came along. There’s no use bickering about it. We’ll deal with any ‘Preyfinders’ we run into when we do, but not before then. Just keep your guard up, and we’ll be fine. Janus, what do the Caverns of Hopelessness look like? We’ll need to know what they look like from the outside if we are to find them.”

“Hmm,” Janus mockingly put a hand on his chin thoughtfully. “I wonder what a cave entrance will look like in the middle of this flat desert with literally nothing but sand? It’ll be so hard to find, I can’t _imagine_ searching under every half-inch rock, we’re _never_ going to find it.” He dropped the act and put his hands on his hips. “And I thought you were the _smart_ one, Logan. Come on, we’ll know it when we see it.”

They began their journey through the Desert of Flesh. Quickly, it became evident that they were going to be walking quite a long time. There was no sight of anything but sand all the way up to the horizon, and the dunes were thick with it. Their shoes dragged through the sand, each step taking them in deeper. It was a deep orange color, exactly what you’d expect in a desert. The sun was beating down on their heads, soaking into their very being and evaporating the water on them easily. Janus looked like he was especially suffering; his almost completely black outfit was clearly not the best fit for this kind of weather. _Luckily for me, I’m wearing white._ That didn’t stop his shoes from getting filled with the miniscule pieces of rock, or his eyes watering from the heat. _How long are we going to be walking? What comes after the Caverns of Hopelessness?_ Didn’t the Corridor of a Million Secrets come after that? _How do I know that?_ Wasn’t that where Janus said Remus would be hiding out?

 _“Alright!” Remus crowed as Roman covered his eyes with his hands. “Now that you know about this place and the sea, we can go to the Caverns of Hopelessness. Now, lemme tell you something about them. They’re directly connected to the Corridor of a Million Secrets. Wanna bet where I would go if I ducked out? Straight there! Or gay there? Who cares!” Remus grabbed onto Roman’s arm and snapped his fingers. The reality around them shifted, colors melting into one another and everything morphing into a small tunnel. Just in front of them was a door with a large seal on it. The seal was a regular circle made of cold iron, with the different symbols of the Dark Sides carved into it. There were three; the fourth had been burned away._ That must have been Virgil’s, _Roman realized. One of the three was one he didn’t recognize. It must have been for…_ him _._

_Without a moment’s hesitation, Remus bounded up to it and kicked the door open. “You don’t have to worry about the tunnels! I’m teaching Janus how to find his way through from the entrance, I think he’ll have it memorized by the time I duck out. Past this door is where us Dark Sides draw our power from. Ready to see it?”_

About ten minutes into their trek, Roman began to see strange, disturbing things littered about the landscape. Long bones lay in broken shards here and there; bits of torn flesh were scattered about, dried blood crusted onto them. _Are there people here somewhere, living in huts or an underground city? Are they all dead? And were the Preyfinders what killed them?_ There were so many unanswerable questions- unless, of course, Janus knew all about it. He was from this realm, after all. _But Remus didn’t even let him go to the Paradise of Fantasies. There are probably a lot of things Janus is unaware of._ Roman decided to ask about it anyways. “Janus, what is all of this? What is this place supposed to represent?”

Quietly, Janus murmured back, “Thoughts about murdering other people. When Remus first introduced himself to Thomas, he let this place overrun with Preyfinders. I never knew where the people they ate came from, but now my guess is that they come over from the Paradise of Fantasies to either explore or to escape. They all meet the same fate here, though. Only sides like us stand a chance at surviving past here, and without any weapons, that may even be impossible. Now, shut up before that Preyfinder over there hears us.”

Up ahead, a skulking, pink creature was hunched over a dead body. The dead body was obviously a naked human one. Their right arm had been chomped off at the shoulder, and their head had been scalped and tossed aside. The toes on their feet had been nibbled at up to the first joints. Many parts of their skin were scattered about, blood seeping from them and staining the orange sand red. The Preyfinder itself was about the size of a husky, with no fur to hide its pink skin. The claws on its paws were about six inches long, and they gleamed in the dying sunlight. Although it wasn’t facing the trio, Roman kept catching glimpses of the foot-long fangs that grew from its jaw. _That looks like a nightmare!_ Janus, Roman, and Logan all crouched down to avoid being spotted. Logan leaned over to the other two, “What do we do now?”

“Move around it,” the half-snake man hissed. “Go very slowly, and don’t make a sound. If we alert it of our presence, we’re as good as dead. We can’t outrun it, not in this environment- it doesn’t sink in the sand like we do, so it can move faster. Come on, we haven't got all day.”

The trio began to crawl forward, giving the Preyfinder a large berth. Roman _really_ didn’t feel like getting mauled and ripped apart, so he made sure to keep his mouth shut. Very slowly, they made their way around the Preyfinder, continuing to crawl until it was barely visible in their sight. They all stood up and dusted off their clothes. Janus glanced over his shoulder and sighed with relief. “Good, we’re safe. Nicely done, you two. To be honest, I thought Roman was going to make some stupid comment and get us killed.”

Letting out an offended _“uh!”_ , Roman crossed his arms. “I’m not an idiot! I know a time to funny and a time to be quiet. How about we follow the advice that you keep vehemently yelling at us and continue onwards to save Remus?” _Why is Janus always so rude to me? He never takes me seriously!_ Roman started walking away, a grim look on his face as he marched through the endless sand. _Logan said I’m the most important side- surely Janus should be able to see that! Nobody gets to insult the most important side! I deserve some respect for once!_ Janus was starting to get on his nerves. _He’s constantly insulting me and bossing me around! I know he and Remus are best friends, but this is just getting ridiculous!_

“Roman! Get down!” Logan suddenly called out, and Roman snapped back into reality. It was then that he realized there was a giant creature about a few hundred feet away. It was a bigger version of the Preyfinder from earlier, and it looked absolutely terrifying. Before Roman could duck to the ground, it whipped around to face him. His stomach dropped and he was frozen to the spot. The Preyfinder had one giant eye on its forehead, its eyelids blinking sideways. The fangs growing from its mouth dug into the sides of its eye, blood seeping from the open wounds. It reared back onto its back legs and roared, saliva dripping in large glops onto the ground. The force of its breath knocked Roman backwards, causing him to tumble into the sand and his mind to turn back on. _I’m the Great Prince Roman, I should be able to vanquish this beast without breaking a sweat!_ He’d faced enemies without a weapon before- how could this be any different? _I just have to get creative, which is what I’m best at!_

Logan and Janus sprinted past him, trying to pass the Preyfinder, but the creature swung a massive paw and caught the half-snake man in his grasp. Janus went flying a good fifty feet away while Logan managed to leap aside. _I’ve got to save them!_ Roman scrambled back onto his feet and crept to the Preyfinder’s back, using its momentary distraction to his advantage. _If I can injure its eye, it won’t be able to see us! It doesn’t have a nose or ears, so it won’t be able to sense us by smell or hearing!_ It was the prefect strategy- at least, up until the Preyfinder’s tail whisked Roman off his feet and he landed with a loud _oof!_ as the breath was struck from his body. It seemed that his foe could certainly feel things, and it turned around to face him. A drop of saliva fell onto Roman’s hair as the Preyfinder towered over him, its hot breath like a strong wind against him. _By the beard of Gandalf, is this really how I’m going to die? Maimed by something comparable to the Questing Beast on a quest to save my estranged brother?_

 _No!_ A pump of adrenaline shot through Roman’s body and he rolled out of the way as the Preyfinder dropped down to where he had been lying a few moments before, letting out a rumble of frustration at his escape. Roman jumped to his feet and in a split second considered his options. He could run; he was pretty fast, but Logan and Janus would most likely slow him down and the Preyfinder would easily catch up to them. Or he could try to find something to kill the creature with. _I don’t have a weapon- what’s something sharp?_ The glinting of one of the Preyfinder’s claws caught his eye. _Maybe I could try to tear it off? That would be really dangerous, but it’s my own option!_ All these thoughts rushed through his head in a moment, and in the next, he dived for one of the Preyfinder’s paws.

Of course, the beast seemed to anticipate his move. It slunk out of the way and Roman found himself holding onto nothing but sand. _Shit!_ Obviously, this monster wasn’t going to be that easy to vanquish. Usually, Roman and his opponent would circle each other at this point and then fight a fair duel, but before he had even picked himself up the Preyfinder was upon him. It screamed into his face, effectively blow-drying his hair from its drool. Roman lashed out a hand to grab ahold of one of its claws, gripping onto the top, blunt edge of it and wrenching at it. With a howl of pain from his attacker, the claw pulled out surprisingly easily, and he plunged it into one of the Preyfinder’s legs. The creature backed away, pawing at the razor to get it out but only driving it in deeper. _Now’s my chance!_ Roman fumbled to get a sturdy stance before taking off in the direction him and the other two had been heading.

Logan and Janus were both standing still at the top of a dune, staring in shock at Roman as he climbed up to join them. He waved a hand at them and then gestured past them. “Well, come on! We haven’t gotten all day, that thing is going to come after us any minute! Janus, do you know how far away the Caverns are?”

“The Caverns are just across this ridge,” Janus replied distractedly, still looking back at the Preyfinder. “How did you-?”

Roman didn’t stay long enough to hear the rest of Janus’s question, instead starting to run down the opposite side of the slope. His companions quickly followed, and they carefully half-slid/half-ran towards their destination. Indeed: there was a yawning cave entrance just up ahead. They had a good amount of distance to cover, but they could make it before the Preyfinder caught up. The thundering of paws behind them told Roman that they weren’t going to have a lot of time. _Keep going!_ Closer and closer, the entrance was just there-

 _Logan isn’t going to make it._ Thomas’s Logic was trailing Roman and Janus, and when Roman glanced over his shoulder, he saw that the Preyfinder was almost upon him. _Shit!_ “Janus, get into the cave!” he shouted before making a last-ditch effort to save Logan by tackling him out of the way as their pursuer throttled by. The two of them landed on the ground hard, panting as dust floated around them. They were in an unfortunate position, with Roman laying above Logan. Roman’s face tinted faint red as he rolled off his friend. “Ah, sorry! That probably hurt a lot. Better to have a bruised back than to be dead, though!” He looked back at the cave; Janus had made it inside, and the Preyfinder was trying to reach inside to grab him. _It’s too big to fit! As long as we make it past it, we’ll be safe._

What to do now was the question. _We’ll need a distraction to get it out of the way…_ Of course, there was nothing but sand around them. _If I draw its attention, Logan can make it inside. Then I can run back and hopefully survive._ This was what Roman was good at: saving people. He could do this. “Logan, I’m going to draw it away from the cave, get inside while I keep it busy. I’ll join you the moment I’m able. Go!” The beast had apparently given up on Janus and was starting to turn around to face them. Logan hesitated, his eyes unsure, but then he nodded. “Alright, do what you have to do. Don’t make me come out and save you again.”

The two split off; Roman sashayed a bit further away from the cave while Logan sprinted towards it. The Preyfinder began to take a step towards Logan but Roman waved his hands around and screamed out, “Hey, you blundering oaf! Look over here, I’m out in the open with nowhere to hide! Come and get me!” This caught its attention and it started to gallop towards him, it’s eyes glittering with rage. _It must want revenge! Oh dear._ Waiting for it to get closer, Roman timed it just right and leapt out of the way as it skidded to a stop. _It really needs to learn how to catch people before they dodge!_ He started running, the breath burning in the back of his throat from exertion. The cave was getting near. _Just a bit father!_ A roar ruffled his hair, and he squeezed his eyes shut. _I can do it!_

He halted just inside, watching as the Preyfinder screeched with fury from losing its prey.


	12. Stay Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil and Patton debate the next best course of action.

**_Thomas:_ **

The three of them stayed in the shower for another two and a half hours. By the time Thomas finally got the will to reach over and turn off the faucet, his fingers looked like raisins and his whole body felt like soaked leather. Even the relaxing effect of the heated water had faded over time until it became numb just like everything else. He remained sitting in the tub for a few more minutes before actually getting out and slowly pulling on his clothes. With his shoulders hunched, he felt skinnier in them. _Growwwwl!_ Of course, his stomach objected and finally, Thomas gave in. _I need to eat something, or I’ll end up in the hospital. Guess I should probably use those boiled carrots I never ate… probably with something else too, right? I think I have some chicken in the fridge, I might be able to cook that._

After putting his dirty clothes into the washing machine, Thomas headed downstairs. The stairs no longer seemed tall and foreboding; they were just there, a gateway into the next scene of his life. _That’s all this is- an act of a play. I’m playing a character in this bizarre musical with no music. It must be so boring to watch… a man spiraling downwards inside his mind, burning the world around him as he goes. Does the audience feel sorry for me, or do they laugh at my pain?_ Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, Thomas huffed. _What am I thinking? This is real life, not some kind of show. I can’t undo any mistakes in the next performance- I’ve only got one shot._

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Thomas couldn’t really believe this was all real. It certainly didn’t _feel_ real, that was for sure. Nothing like this had ever happened before. _Is this what a mid-life crisis is?_ Was this how other people felt when they realized they weren’t content with their life? _My sides make everything so much more complicated; I don’t know what to think anymore._ As he went into the kitchen to prepare his dinner, he tried to push it to the back of his mind. _I have an_ incredible _life- I shouldn’t be selfish like this. Anyone would want the life I have. I need to be grateful for it._ So, he grabbed a pan and turned on the stove, letting his mind go numb as he began to cook.

Although Thomas still wasn’t that adept at cooking, he had improved quite a lot compared to where he’d been a few years ago. All those sponsorships from _Hello, Fresh!_ didn’t just give him money, it seemed. The boiled carrots sizzled in the olive oil as he chopped up small pieces of chicken. He wasn’t going to put anything else in it; it would be a simple, small, healthy dinner. _Nothing more, nothing less._ The carrots couldn’t possibly taste as bad as what they had been the other night, not with the chicken- right?

It took a good twenty minutes for the meat to be as dark as Thomas wanted it. His stomach rumbled again painfully. _Hopefully, I don’t throw it all up…_ Obviously, Thomas had been able to handle carrots before, but he wasn’t sure what boiled and then re-cooked carrots would taste like. _Bland? More carrot-y?_ It truly was a mystery. The orange sticks seemed to glare back at him as he stirred them about in the pan, as if criticizing him for his dislike of them. _I know they’re good for you, but… yuck._ How could anyone enjoy them? How could they handle that smooth texture, that either crumbly soft or hard-as-a-rock bite?

Just as he began to think the food was about ready to be served, a strange thought popped into his head. _What if I put human flesh into this instead?_ Instantly, the wooden spoon that Thomas was holding clattered against the side of the pan as he dropped it. Slowly, he raised a hand to his face to peer at the chicken and carrots through his fingers. _Did I just… think about committing cannibalism?_ Realizing this, he almost puked- or, dry heaved, since he didn’t have anything in his stomach at the moment. _Why did I think that? What’s happening to me?_ There were so many things that wouldn’t stop plaguing his mind- his weight, cutting, sex, that open chasm of emptiness that threatened to swallow him whole. Would there forever be something new to terrorize him? Would he be driven insane by all the unwanted thoughts? Why was this happening now of all times? _Isn’t Remus supposed to be gone right now? That’s the whole reason why the others went looking for him in the Imagination! But I’ve had these kinds of thoughts before, so it has to be Remus giving them to me, right? Why can’t this all just stop?_

But it wouldn’t. Thomas couldn’t help thinking about creeping into Nico’s apartment, that giant butcher’s knife in his hand. Making his way into Nico’s bedroom and then stabbing his boyfriend straight through the heart. The screams that would fill those thin walls would be delicious- almost as delicious as the meat that Thomas would yield from his outing. What would human flesh taste like? What would it feel like to murder someone else in cold blood? _That’d certainly be one way to free Nico from me. I could let the sweet embrace of death take him._ Thomas wanted to crack open his head and take out his brain, to rinse it in hot water, to wash the dirty thoughts away. Maybe then he could be happy. Maybe then these thoughts would stop.

As more of those disgusting, bloody thoughts pestered his mind, he covered his mouth. They were going to make him sick. _I can’t eat anything; I’ll just throw it up._ This was a bad sign. Perhaps today was going to end up as the worst day of them all? So many hours had passed since the others had left- almost _three days_. How many hours was that? _Almost seventy-two…_ Something bad _must_ have happened. Something bad _was_ happening. After turning off the burner and putting the pan on a cool one, Thomas decided that the best course of action was to hide away from the world- of course, it’s not like he hadn’t been before. This entire time, he had simply closed off from everything and everyone. _How long will it be before I venture back out into the world?_ Certainly not today. He took off across his living room, up the stairs, and into his bedroom, locking his door behind him and letting out a sigh of relief.

Today was strange. Had he thought that before? How many people took three-hour showers? _Not many._ How many people thought about tasting flesh and killing their loved ones? _Only the crazy ones._ Was Thomas going insane? Was that what this was? If he let himself roam the world free, what would he do? People might die. People might suffer. _All I do is hurt others. I hurt Remus, I hurt Joan, and now… I can’t even let my boyfriend look at me._ Thomas went over to his bed and got under the covers, curling in on himself. His whole body ached, the need for food nibbling at his soul. When was the next time he’d be able to eat anything without hating himself or throwing up? So many questions pestered him, and it was impossible to drift away into the sweet embrace of the void called sleep.

At first, the boredom was overwhelming. There were multiple times when Thomas wanted to reach for his phone and browse Tumblr or Twitter, maybe get in touch with a friend. But he resisted, because he didn’t want his thoughts to turn against the people dear to him. _If I start talking to someone, I’ll imagine having sex with them, or murdering them, or eating them._ That would surely give him nightmares for a long time. _Why is my brain like this? Why can’t I be normal? I don’t want to think about my friends like that. Nothing about this makes any sense. Everything is going out of control, and I can’t do anything to fix it._

A hand rested on his shoulder. “Kiddo,” Patton’s gentle voice murmured, “It’s gonna be okay. Things may be a bit wacky right now, but as long as you stick through this, you’ll come out the other side- with the rest of your sides!” Patton giggled a bit, and Thomas felt a tiny smile worm it’s way onto his face. Even through all of this, his heart hadn’t changed. “Look, Thomas, you are an incredible person. You’re kind, you’re giving, and you put others first to a harmful degree. Remember what Logan told us? These thoughts don’t mean anything. Your brain is just coming up with an excessive amount of a few certain ideas, and they aren’t some premonition about who you’re going to become. Don’t worry, they will go away when the others get back, just you wait.”

 _I’m thinking too hard about all of this…_ That was it. Thomas just need to calm down, and everything would be okay. Logan had literally said in Remus’s introductory video that the best way to handle intrusive thoughts was to accept them but not act on them. The usual dark and foreboding whispers slipped into his ears and sent a chill down his spine. _But what if I_ do _act on them? If I hurt anybody, that’ll make the thoughts a real problem. I can’t give myself that chance. Until these thoughts go away, I can’t leave this apartment._

“Virgil!” Patton said in a desperate tone. “Please, that’s not what Thomas needs to hear! Listen, we may not be able to control this situation, but we can control our actions. Whatever these intrusive thoughts might tell us, we don’t have to listen to them! As long as we remain conscious of what we’re doing and how we’re acting, we’ll be okay. If Thomas doesn’t leave this apartment, he’ll just fall further into depression! I miss our friends, Virgil. I miss Nico so, so much. I- I just want them all back.” The sound of sniffling filled the stagnant air. It was the only sound until Patton spoke again. “There’s more- there’s more going on than we know about. There has to be. I can’t believe that the others are gone for good. I can’t believe that these intrusive thoughts will never go away. We have to have hope, Virgil. If we don’t stick through and make the best choices for Thomas, things are gonna end badly. But as long as we’re _brave_ , we can do it. We just need make sure we do this right. Just remember that we’ve gone through all this before. Virgil, we were the ones that made it so bad. We can’t afford to freak out this time.”

Someone shifted on the mattress. Thomas could feel the presences of both sides, sitting next to each other on the blanket. Virgil’s voice said just above a whisper, “It wasn’t this bad last time, Patton. Last time was _nothing_ compared to this. Thomas wants to harm himself; he’s _starving_ himself. Food is one of his favorite things! Yeah, last time he had visions of killing people, but never eating them or raping anyone! You don’t understand, padre. This- _this_ \- is the worst moment of Thomas’s life. Whatever limbo this is, it’s hell itself. We’re probably never going to escape it. We’re going to be stuck like this forever, and we’re going to die like this. Alone, depressed, hungry, insane. And the death will probably be self-inflicted.”

Thomas squeezed his eyes shut, trying to wish everything away. Everything was just getting worse, and he didn’t want to think about any of it. Of course, it seemed like that wasn’t going to happen any time soon. Patton gasped in horror but didn’t say anything for a long moment. Then he said, “Virgil, you… you wouldn’t make Thomas… _kill_ himself, would you?”

“You’re the one to talk,” Virgil huffed, but there was a tone of guilt in his words. _That was a low blow._ All three of them knew just how sensitive Patton was on the subject of his debate with Janus- the incident in which he had turned into a frog. One of the things that had made Patton snap was the accusation by Janus- disguised as Logan- that Patton was claiming that if Thomas didn’t sacrifice his own life for someone else’s, then he was a bad person. It had been a long, long time since then, and apologizes had been made and errors fixed, but they all knew that Patton hated the way he’d reacted. He knew better now, but he didn’t like thinking about the expectations he’d set for Thomas during that time. _I’ve almost been to this point before._ In the time of the callback, if things had gotten worse and Thomas hadn’t listened to Janus, would he have ended up like this then? _If I hadn’t trusted my self-preservation, would I have committed suicide?_

“Do you remember,” Patton began, and then stopped. Thomas felt his shoulder being squeezed and then his morality continued. “Do you remember that time we all made up our own version of the 12 Days of Christmas? Well, not all of us- just you, me, Logan, and Roman. We all got new, cozy sweaters, Logan and I made some puns, you and Roman had your witty banter- everything… everything was okay. We were all happy in that moment, even though we all were dealing with internal problems. I was still figuring out my repression, you still didn’t feel quite accepted, Logan was getting quieter than ever, and Roman still felt worthless. But in that moment, we forgot about all of our worries and sang a simple song together. I mean, that song doesn’t even make sense in the first place, and we certainly didn’t help that. All of us were feeling bad in that time, but we were all happy to celebrate that Christmas together.” He took in a deep breath and then let it out. “If moments like that can happen, then I believe they can happen again. Maybe, when this is over, we’ll look back on these days and realize that just because things can get really bad, that doesn’t mean it’ll always be that way. Thomas, you are an incredible person. If you die, _so_ many people will miss your spark. Think of all your friends, your family, your fans. They all love you. They _know_ you’re not a bad person. They’re right. I made many mistakes, but I know better now. I know that Thomas is important, I know that he is _special_. I know that the world needs him, and we can’t take him away from it. So, I will not let Thomas kill himself. Virgil, I know you’re _scared_. But as I’ve said many times, _we can make it through this_.”

 _Is that true?_ No- it wasn’t. Things weren’t going to get better. Virgil stood up, moving to stand against the side of the bed that Thomas was facing. “You don’t get it, Patton. I appreciate you trying to reassure us that everything will be sunshine and rainbows someday, but it won’t. The world isn’t fair, nor is it kind. People die every day from suicide, and there are reasons for that. We’ve broken too many things, including ourselves. Sometimes things just don’t work out. Do you realize how hard it would be to be able to recover from this? Thomas will just get worse trying to make himself feel better. It’s not worth it. We’re not going to make it out of this, Patton- just you wait and see. You’ll understand eventually.”

The inside of Thomas’s soul felt like it was dimming, like bits of it was flaking away. He felt the presences of his two remaining sides fade as the conversation seemingly ended, but they were still arguing in his mind. Was he really going to end up deciding to kill himself? The thought was scary. _I don’t want to think about that._ Instead, he tried to let his mind drift away into nothingness, but it wasn’t working. _Do I want to die? Am I really that hopeless? Are there any reasons why I should kill myself?_ Desperately, Thomas put a pillow on his head and squished his face against the mattress. _Stop it! Stop thinking about it! I don’t want to wonder about this! Why do I always have to overthink things, why can’t it ever be a clear-cut decision? Shut up, shut up, shut up!_ If only he could ever listen to himself.

It was strange to think that he’d descended this far in such little time. In the course of only three days, Thomas had fallen into deep depression and his intrusive thoughts were all he could think about. He was considering _killing_ himself, when he hadn’t been able to imagine suicide as a concept last week. Nobody had ever said anything about a mental health crisis being able to hit you over the head this quickly before. Without his self-preservation, logic, or creativity, Thomas had no defense against the dark thoughts clouding his judgement. This was how so many people around the world died. He’d never really understood how devastating a single moment could really be in the long run before, but now his mistakes were building up in his mind until he felt like his brain was going to explode.

Eventually, Thomas drifted into a mindless sleep without even noticing.


	13. The Caverns of Hopelessness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janus has a breakdown, and Roman is very sleepy.

**_Roman:_ **

It was a good ten minutes before the Preyfinder finally meandered away. Janus, Logan, and Roman all let out a sigh of relief upon their newfound safety. Roman let himself collapse down against the cave wall and closed his eyes. _We made it. We survived the Desert of Flesh, somehow._ Exhaustion settled into his whole body as the adrenaline slowly drifted off. So much running and dodging had tired him out. Usually, fighting creatures didn’t take this much energy. No- it wasn’t just that. Roman had never felt _scared_ like that before. Without a sword, and against a horrendous creature that seemed so much more powerful than him, he hadn’t been sure he would make it out of the situation alive. _What would’ve happened if I hadn’t?_ After Roman had regained his breath, he opened his eyes again and raised his arm to wipe the sweat away from his forehead- only to scream as the instinctual terror flashed back into his body.

His entire arm was slightly transparent. No, his whole _body_ was.

Both Logan and Janus flinched in surprise upon his out-of-nowhere cry, but their eyes widened with understanding upon glancing at him. Without uttering a word, Roman pointed at them. They were both slightly faded too. _What… what’s happening to us?_ Fear was coursing through his entire body. The other stuff they had faced before was terrible, but _this_? This was affecting them directly. They were _disappearing_. Sides didn’t just evaporate, that wasn’t a thing they did. _Or is it?_ Was the Imagination affecting them because Remus had ducked out? …And what would happen if they faded away completely? _Is that it? Game over? Does Thomas lose us for good if we don’t make it out of here in time?_

“This is okay,” Logan finally spoke, extending his arms towards the both of them in a reassuring gesture. “It seems that our prolonged exposure to a dying part of Thomas’s mind is affecting us in a way we didn’t expect. It makes sense, though. Remus ducked out; he is a part of the Imagination, so that means this place is starting to deactivate fully. We are inside of it. Our functions are probably not even working, and without our functions, we are nothing but fading images of something Thomas created before we entered here. Think of it this way; Thomas’s creativity is what gives us form as _us_ specifically: Roman, Logan, and Janus. But since Remus isn’t working properly and Roman is residing in his broken Imagination, Thomas can’t project his personality traits onto imaginary beings- so, all of us are fading. That would include Virgil and Patton as well. Essentially, we need to either get Roman out of here or save Remus before we all disappear for good.”

The other two stared at him. Janus narrowed his eyes, “You figured all of that out? I’m really _not_ impressed. But we can’t know if that’s what will happen for sure until it either does or does not happen. If we’re in too much of a rush, we could get killed or accidentally ruin our chances of rescuing Remus.”

As they argued about what to do, Roman let their voices dissipate into background noise. Slowly, he took the seashell that the boy had given him out of his pocket. His fingers rubbed over the sides of it as he became mesmerized by the astounding shades of color on it. _Are there more shells like this one back at the Paradise of Fantasies?_ Roman would love to have a collection of them. Wouldn’t that be pretty? Hundreds of them lined up on his bureau. He could sketch them, bring them to life. It would be a masterpiece. _It will be so pretty…_ Without realizing it, Roman’s eyes began to slowly drift shut as his body and clothes became almost completely see-through. _Maybe if I sleep, I’ll wake up in my bed and everything will be okay…_

“Roman!” Someone slapped him and his eyes jerked open. Upon his shock, his body’s color revived a bit. Logan was crouched next to him, a look of concern in his eyes. “You can’t fall asleep,” Logan stated grimly. “I know you’re tired, but your consciousness is the only thing keeping us all alive. Until we get Remus and get out of here, you _have_ to keep your eyes open. Here, stand up.” He took Roman’s hand and pulled him up onto his feet. Roman wobbled a bit and felt the world spin a bit. _My head hurts…_ It didn’t even register in his brain that Logan was holding his hand. Logan looked around a bit. “So, Janus, it appears that there is no way forward. I thought you said it was the Cavern _s_ of Hopelessness?” Indeed: the cave they were in had no exits or tunnels branching off it, other than the way the came in. It was simple gray carved-out rock. Janus rolled his eyes and approached the far wall. “It is. Perhaps you aren’t as perceptive as I thought you were.” He pushed his finger against a certain spot in the wall, and part of the wall retracted into the ground next to him, opening up a tunnel. “Welcome to the Caverns of Hopelessness. Don’t worry, the claustrophobia goes away after the first few hours of trekking through it. Come on, it’s not like we have an important mission to complete and if we don’t get it done quickly Thomas will be left with only raw emotions and his fears.”

Without any further discussion, the three of them delved into the tunnel. It was small, but big enough for them to walk through without have to crawl or bend over. The walls were of smooth stone, with ridges circling all the way around them. The air was stale, with a piercing cold that seeped into Roman’s bones like water would soak into a sponge. It made it even harder to stay awake. _I just want to go to sleep. I’m so tired…_ It felt as if there was something draining his soul, taking more and more energy from it with each passing moment. He was too tired to try and figure out what it could possibly be, let alone mention it to the other two.

Somehow, there was light in the dark tunnels. It seemed to radiate from the walls, without an actual light source. Janus was leading the way confidently, making twists and turns through the seemingly endless paths. It was starting to feel more like a dream than reality. Logan was still holding Roman’s hand, even. _Why is he holding my hand?_ Roman thought faintly. _He doesn’t need to anymore; I can stay awake on my own._ Of course, he loved the feeling of their fingers intertwined, so he didn’t say anything against it. Maybe this would be the last time they ever held hands. _When we get out of here, he’ll go back to hating me. He’ll never like me back. Why would such a smart, handsome side like me? I’m stupid compared to him. Everything I make is nonsense to him, a bore when he turns to science. He would never even_ consider _being with me._ Roman wanted to savor these moments and treasure them for the rest of his life. _Is this what Virgil feels like around me? In love with me, but knowing the feelings can’t be reciprocated? Having to settle for less? I wish I could love Virgil back- at least, more than as a brother. Maybe then there wouldn’t be so much heartbreak._

Their trek was starting to become tedious. _How long are these tunnels?_ With every fork in the road, Janus took longer to choose which way to go. Their pace became less rushed, slowing down to a walk. Every time Roman began to nod off, Logan would pull on one of his fingers to wake him back up. Their forms would fade and then get stronger along with his level of consciousness. _I don’t know how long I can keep this up._ How long would it take before Roman was unable to be stirred? How much time did they have left to find Remus? These mind-boggling caverns were taking too long to get through. As they continued along, Roman felt himself slip into a conscious dream of remembrance, the voice of his brother so clear it sounded as if he was among them.

 _“Oh, wait!” Just as Roman was about to step inside the Corridor of a Million Secrets, Remus grabbed his arm and tugged him back. “I almost forgot. There’s one last thing I need to tell you about the Caverns of Hopelessness. Well… the thing is, Janus isn’t really doing that well learning the way through the caverns. I haven’t told him why he needs to know the way, so he isn’t really that motivated to memorize it. In case he forgets when you guys are trying to navigate to this door, tell him… tell him that “Remus needs you, and never take the same path twice.” That should work, hopefully.” There was a strange look in his eyes that Roman had never seen before. Desolation? Worry?_ What is he not saying to me? _Roman wondered. He then gestured to the door, “Alright, I will. Come on, let’s go inside.”_

As Roman slipped back into reality, he realized that they had come to a full halt. Janus was standing frozen at a fork just a few feet ahead, a look of frustration and concentration on his face. No one said anything. _He’s forgotten the way…_ “Janus,” Roman managed to find the energy in himself to speak. “Did you forget which way to go?”

“ _No_!” Janus whipped around to face them, and they both flinched in surprise upon his yell. He gestured his hands around wildly. “I did _not_ forget the way- I’ve spent hours in these godforsaken caves because Remus told me it was important! I’ve wandered aimlessly, I’ve seen every rock in these tunnels! I was ready for this; I was going to get it right! Then you made him fucking leave and I haven’t been able to practice! I just need to remember where we are, then I’ll be able to lead us out!” His chest was heaving in rapid breaths, and his manner now seemed frantic. _What can we do to help him? He’s definitely panicking… will he even listen to me if I tell him what Remus said? He’ll probably want to prove he can do it by himself._ But the three of them didn’t progress. Janus remained where he stood, glancing back and forth between their two choices. When Logan reached forward to put a hand on Janus’s shoulder, he slapped the hand away. “Don’t touch me!” he hissed. “I don’t need _comforting_ , I know what I’m doing!”

Logan, though, wasn’t going to have it. He snatched Janus’s wrist and clutched it hard. “Janus, we don’t have time for this. If we wait here, we’re all going to fade. Do you or do you not remember which way to go, and if you don’t, how would you like us to help?”

For a moment, Janus tried to wrench his wrist from Logan’s grip, gritting his teeth and grunting with the effort. Finally, he gave up and his anger morphed into something else as he looked down at the ground. _Hopelessness…_ “I… I don’t know the way. But I _have_ to know the way. Remus led me through these caverns tens of thousands of times. He told me that it was important that I know the way in case something happened. He would never tell me _what_ that something was, but whenever I asked him, he said it was important. And yet, because I thought he was playing some stupid game with me, I never paid attention. At least, not always. Sometimes I tried to go along with it, and by the time Remus ducked out, yes, I _did_ know the way.” Logan let him go as he slumped against the wall. “If I had just _listened_ to him, we would’ve reached him by now. Why didn’t I listen to him? Maybe if I had just _been_ there for him, he wouldn’t have done this. This is all my fault.” Janus slowly slid to the ground, pulling his knees up to his chest and hiding his face away behind his folded arms. “I should’ve seen it coming. I’m such an _idiot_. I should’ve known he was going to duck out. I’m the godforsaken Lord of the Lies. Remus has always been there for me, and yet when he needed me, I just ignored him.”

Silence followed. Roman didn’t know what to say. It had been such an honest outburst. _Janus really cares about Remus…_ The sound of sobbing came the half-snake man, and his body started to shake. It was strange to see Janus so vulnerable like this. _I’ve never seen him cry before, and I’ve never heard him talk like this before._ When Roman and Logan exchanged glances, Roman knew they both were slightly unnerved. _We can’t just let him have a breakdown._ Even though he was exhausted in every way and he hardly knew how to comfort himself, Roman crouched down next to Janus. “Hey, it’s alright. It’s not your fault. In fact, you’re probably what kept Remus around for so long. With the way that we were all treating him, his ducking out was inevitable. If anyone is solely to blame, it’s me. Even after we ‘accepted’ him, I was still horrible to him. I was _jealous_ of him, even, because I felt like people paid more attention to him than me. Janus, you can’t go wrong in being friends with someone. If he really wanted to talk to you about what he was feeling, he would have. That’s just how Remus is. But none of that matters right now. Remus made his choice, and now you have to deal with the consequences. You have to remember which way to go, or we’re all going to die. Remember- Remus needs you, and never take the same path twice.”

For a few long moments, Janus didn’t say anything. Then he lifted his head, his eyes red from crying and his scales slippery with tears. “Never take the same path twice… of course!” Suddenly, the half-snake man leapt to his feet and pointed to the right tunnel. “It’s this way, I think! That was what Remus used to tell me when I was practicing, never take the same path twice- because if you do, you’ll end up going in circles! At least, I think that’s what it was.” He frowned for a moment before narrowing his eyes. “We’ll just have to try, won’t we? And Roman- you can tell me where you heard that later. Come on, we need to hurry.”

Without any more hesitation, they started down the right tunnel. Their pace became rushed again, and Roman was having a hard time keeping up. _How can they move so fast?_ Logan was almost dragging him along, making his feet stir up dust as he shuffled behind his companions. How were they not tired like him? Roman was too exhausted to try and think about it. There were so many things that didn’t make any sense. Well, it _was_ Remus’s Imagination, so _that_ made sense. _I can’t believe Remus has to fight off creatures from_ all _of these places. The Appetites, the knives, the Preyfinders- he even hid those people in the Paradise of Fantasies so well that the “Lord of the Lies” didn’t know what was there. This entire time, he’s been protecting Thomas from the very things he stands for. But then why does he try to give Thomas intrusive thoughts himself? What was his entire introduction for?_

It was scary to think that Roman’s perception of his brother had been wrong. _Janus said that Remus and his Imagination were tied together inextricably. What if he can’t help but bug Thomas with intrusive thoughts if his Imagination is overflowing with them? So, if Remus doesn’t defeat the different creatures of this world, he has to hurt Thomas._ The thoughts were so dizzying, so Roman tried to shake them off. _That doesn’t matter right now. We can talk about all that stuff when we’re all safe and back with Thomas. I hope Thomas isn’t doing too badly…_

“I know where we are,” Janus whispered. “We’re close, we should find the door any minute now. Before we go inside, though, I need you both to…” He trailed off and then sighed. “The Corridor of a Million Secrets is a very personal place for the “Dark Sides”. This is probably the only time you will ever come in here, unless something like this happens again. Please do not discuss anything you see there with Patton- in fact, don’t even mention it to each other or Virgil. It’s a safe haven for us that have not been fully accepted by Thomas. Even Virgil isn’t allowed to come here anymore, since he became a Light Side. Just… try to forget about it.”

It was then that they rounded the last corner and indeed: there was the door that Roman recognized from his newly recovered memories. The iron seal was still there. The burned spot where Virgil’s symbol had been had mostly faded since Roman had last been here. How long had it been, four months? _A lot can change in that time._ Logan studied the seal closely and pointed to the unfamiliar symbol. “That’s _his_ symbol, correct?”

“Yes,” Janus nodded. He pushed the door open. “That doesn’t matter right now, though. Come on- it’s time to bring Remus back.”


	14. Stay Resolute

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil loses control of himself, and Thomas makes a very important choice.

**_Thomas:_ **

_On the fourth day of nothing, my sides sent to me four bouts of weeping, three types of carrots, two wasted meals, and a boyfriend that surely hates me._

This was the song lyric that Thomas spent two hours creating upon awakening. When his eyes had opened and he had found himself feeling even emptier than the day before, he decided to try to sum it up in words. Without either of his creativities, though, making even one line had felt like nails on a chalkboard. It had been so difficult, when only last week he could easily make an entire verse in twenty minutes. It was so strange to not be bursting with ideas constantly, to not be excited about the future content he would make. Making YouTube videos was the last thing that Thomas was thinking about. _Will I ever be able to show my face on camera again?_ No was the answer to that question. _I deserve to lose my living, my apartment, my everything. Maybe when I’m starving to death, I’ll finally be healthy._ The idea of abandoning all his fans made him feel extremely guilty, but what else could he do? Tell them that he’d lost his creativity, logic, and self-preservation? There was no right way to say it. They all believed it was a scripted series, anyways- none of them would listen to him. None of them really cared about him. They shouldn’t.

On this time around, Thomas dragged himself out of bed around noon. Even with the thoughts of self-harm, sex, cannibalism, and suicide swirling in his head, the most pressing feeling was the hunger. It originated from his abdomen, but over the past few days it had spread outwards. Up into his stomach, his lungs, his heart, his neck and down into his hips, his kidneys, his thighs, his toes. It was like a raw aching, with the occasional throbbing. The hunger pulsed through his entire body like veins of blood. The intrusive thoughts of eating his friends only enhanced the pain. It made Thomas want to sob again, but his tears had seemingly all dried up. Originally, without his pride and logic to stop him, he had cried without thinking about it too hard or regretting it. But now, the dark whispers crept back into his head. _Is crying really going to help you? What would Nico think of you if he knew you were such a wimp? All you can do is cry, when you could be doing something useful. Everyone in the world is going to hate you because all you care about is yourself. You’d rather hide away in your apartment than give people the joy they need to keep living. Since when was YouTube about you? You do it to make other people happy. You’re selfish, even without Janus. **You’re a terrible person, Thomas.**_

He found himself laying on his couch in the living room. It was as if everything that used to interest him had been sucked from his heart, leaving an empty abyss behind that kept growing and growing. All of Thomas’s feelings had dulled into background noise. It felt horrible. _Everything_ felt horrible. _I wish I could just fall asleep and never wake back up again. I wish all of this would just disappear and I could forget about it. I wish… I wish I was dead._

“Kiddo!” Patton rose up and took his hand gently. “Don’t think something like that. You don’t want to die. Think about all the things you would lose, all the people who would miss you. I know Virgil doesn’t believe that anyone will care, but they _will_. You just have to believe in that. You can make it through this, Thomas. I’m certain that the others will be back today, and once they’re back, you’ll feel okay.” Thomas noticed that Patton’s form was quite faint, and he could see the coffee table clearly through him. _I wonder what that’s about?_ His morality held onto his fingers tightly. “Everything seems bad right now, but many other people who’ve gone what you’re going through will tell you that it’s worth it to keep on living. Death is permanent. You can’t go back on it. All those achievements you’ve dreamed of will never be completed. What will happen to the people you’ve employed to help out with your videos? They’ll have to get new jobs. Your friends will miss your smile, your laugh, and your kindness. What will your family do without you? Will you really abandon them by committing suicide?”

Shadows seemed to seep from the corners of the room, crawling up the walls and across the floor like long tentacles. Thomas could see them with his own eyes, even though he knew they didn’t exist. The darkness turned everything it touched into a lifeless gray color. Slowly, it made its way over to Thomas and Patton. When it reached Patton, the shadows formed chains around his wrists and yanked him down to his knees. Surprisingly, though, Patton didn’t yell in surprise. He simply looked down at the floor, his form flickering a little bit. Thomas didn’t move as the shadows curled around his own body, creating a tight cocoon and preventing him from moving. The only part of his body uncovered was his eyes, so he could see the room still. Dark, glowing purple eyes glimmered in the darkness. Virgil’s Tempest Tongue awoke a deep fear inside of Thomas. “ ** _You are not loved. Nobody will ever love you. They’ve all been pretending because they pity you. You are worthless. You have done absolutely nothing with your life, and your family is disappointed. All your friends only work with you because they want money. Nico only dated you because he wanted to show you just how terrible a person you are. Your work is nothing. Your fans can find better ways to understand mental health. Nobody needs you. If you’re only ever going to lay around in your apartment eating carrots, you should just end your life. It’ll be a quick way to solve all of your problems, and you know you’ll never fix them._** ”

“Nobody’s perfect,” Patton murmured. His eyes had become a dull gray, too, and his bright blue shirt was now the same shade as his cat hoodie. “People don’t expect you to be happy and great all the time. If Janus has taught me anything, it’s that yeah, you’re not the best person ever, Thomas. But that’s normal, and it’s okay. You’re allowed to care about yourself. You’re allowed to not be okay. That’s not what’s happening here, though.” The shadows engulfed his calves, and the chains were now cutting into his wrists. Patton continued on, though. “This is not okay, Thomas. You are not being selfish- you’re self-destructing. You need help. Please don’t lock yourself away for the rest of your life. Don’t torture yourself like this.”

“ ** _Torture is what he deserves._** ” The eyes shifted closer to Patton, gleaming with fury. “ ** _You can’t pretend that Thomas isn’t thinking these things. If Remus really isn’t back to his old tricks like you say he isn’t, then who’s making him think about murdering Nico and then eating him? Thomas is evil, and you can’t deny it. You’re Morality- should someone like him really be let back out into the world? He’ll just hurt everyone. You’ll feel guilty for letting him free and you won’t be able to handle killing all of Thomas’s friends. What will you do then?_** ” Thomas felt as if he was choking on the cold, black stone that had wrapped around him. He couldn’t move- he couldn’t save Patton. “ ** _You know that you can’t let him do that. But how will you stand the torture of never leaving this apartment? Of starving to death? Of dying alone, screaming in agony from all the pain that Thomas can’t seem to shake? You won’t. Which is why you need to let Thomas kill himself. There is no other choice. Listen to me, Patton._** ”

Thomas didn’t think that this… _being_ was Virgil anymore. It didn’t have much of a physical form; it was just darkness, with those frightening eyes that seemed to pierce through Patton’s body. _Did Virgil lose control? Control of what, though? I didn’t know he could do anything like this. Is this what he was like when he was a Dark Side?_ The questions went unanswered. Patton remained staring at the ground, and a chill went down Thomas’s spine. _Is he going to agree? Am I going to kill myself?_ It was a strange idea to think about; that Thomas had no choice over the decision, that these metaphysical products of his fading creativity were going to decide his fate. Finally, a soft whisper slipped from Patton’s lips, “Okay.”

With that one word, the darkness was sucked into Patton’s eyes within the next second. The room was once again normal, with no trace of Virgil’s strange form remaining. Silence pressed against Thomas’s ears, a faint buzzing barely audible. Patton’s chains were now gone, but his eyes were black as pitch. Slowly, he stood up and stared down at Thomas. “ **Get up,** ” Patton’s voice spoke, but it had the same distortion as Virgil’s Tempest Tongue. “ **You need to find a way to kill yourself. Do you have a rope or any medicine?** ”

“I can look,” Thomas managed to sit up, stretching a little bit. This was it. The decision had been made. _I’m going to kill myself._ Had there really been any other choice? The past few days had been so unbearable- he couldn’t handle it. If another day passed by where he had these twisted thoughts, he would go insane. _I can’t hurt the people I care about._ This was for the best. This would benefit the entire world. _Nico won’t have to look at me anymore. All of this will be gone. I won’t have to worry about anything. Will God let me go to Heaven? Or will I be sent to Hell for ruining the lives of so many people?_ Ideas morphed in his head as he got up and numbly walked into the kitchen. Today was the last day of his life. Thomas had always imagined this day would be very different. He had said for the longest time that if he knew he was going to die, he’d watch some favorite episodes of _Steven Universe_ , order a pizza, and play some _Kingdom Hearts_. But none of that sounded fun. All he wanted to do was end it already.

The first place Thomas looked was inside the medicine cabinet. There were only a few bottles of different medicines inside; Tylenol, Advil, and a few bottles of liquid cold medicine. Taking the Tylenol- _acetaminophen is extremely dangerous if one takes too many tablets_ -, he emptied the bottle into his hand. _Shit._ There were only two tablets, and he probably needed sixteen to make sure it would work. He set the Tylenol aside and got out the Advil, ripping the cap off and dumping it out onto the counter. Five pills rattled onto the smooth surface. _Damnit, this isn’t enough! I don’t think I have any rope, either._ This was going to be harder than he thought.

“ **What’s taking so long?** ” Patton leaned against the counter, his glare making the back of Thomas’s spine prickle. _I hate seeing him like this._ “I don’t have enough medicine to overdose,” he admitted, replacing the bottles back into the cabinet and shutting it with a loud _clack!_ He began opening drawers. “I’ll either have to go to the store or find some rope. Do you know where I might have put some?” There was no response, and when Thomas glanced over at his morality, Patton had his arms crossed with an eyebrow raised. “Right,” Thomas sighed, “You’re imaginary.”

He decided to go look in his closet and began to head upstairs. The figure that followed behind him was making him nervous. _What happened to them? Did Virgil and Patton combine into one side, like a fusion? But it just feels like Virgil… what did he do to Patton?_ What exactly had happened earlier? Was that all Thomas’s imagination, the darkness that had filled his entire apartment, that had put Patton in chains? _But Roman and Remus are both gone, that would be impossible._ Something strange was going on, and he didn’t like it. All he could feel was the determination to complete his task, and the fear of everything else.

Was this the last time that Thomas would climb the stairs to his bedroom? Every step was another moment of time. _Time is passing, and with the passing of time my death grows closer._ He wouldn’t get those seconds back. Those seconds were numbered, and the clock was going to stop soon. _Tick, tick, tick._ His hand ran along the railing. The smooth hard wood felt comforting. It was a constant, something he had taken for granted this entire time. The railing wouldn’t disappear once he was gone either. This apartment would stay, an echo of the person who hadn’t been able to accept their mistakes. _What will my funeral be like?_ Would anyone actually show up to it? Would he be buried without any of his friends or family saying goodbye? Would they forget about him and never speak of him again? _Will I be forgotten forever?_

Thomas opened the closet doors upon entering his room. Shirts hung on hangers, and some were in messy piles on the floor. There were a few boxes too, and he pulled them out because he had nothing else to do. There was no rope to be found. A whisper of an idea flitted through his head. _You could use the knife. Please don’t drag this out, kiddo._ But it quickly faded as Patton disappeared and the shadow created a bubble around Thomas and the boxes, blocking out everything else in the world. It was him, alone, with what he knew were old memories.

The first box was mostly of old play programs. As Thomas sorted through them, he remembered all the old shows he had performed. _Singin’ in the Rain_ was the most vibrant one in his mind. Trying to dance as incredibly as Gene Kelly had been a failure, but getting to sing as the main role… nothing could’ve felt better than that. That spotlight on him as he leapt and swayed across the stage with his umbrella, the cheery tune that played along with his voice. Thomas closed his eyes, letting the shadows fill his imagination as he remembered it all. The audience empty during the dress rehearsal, everything dark as he sang his heart out because he _loved to sing_. Because he was happy. Because it was his dream.

Now, it felt like nothing. Everything felt like nothing. What had once spurred him on to achieve the greatest heights was gone. There was no longer anything he wanted, nothing he dreamed for. _I miss Roman._ Thomas wanted to dream of the future, of a life that was so far out of reach but still attainable. Wouldn’t that be something? He took out his copy of the _Guys and Dolls_ program. After all this time, he had kept it. Was it in remembrance of the relationship he had once had? _It was a good thing that I broke up with him. He wasn’t happy with me, and now I know why._

“Hey, kiddo,” a soft, young voice murmured as someone took his hand in their own. “Would you like to play patty-cake with me?”

When Thomas looked up, it wasn’t who he had expected. At least, not exactly. A young boy was sitting on the other side of the box, his legs crossed. His brown eyes sparkled with resolution, peering out from behind a bulky pair of glasses. A gray hoodie was tied around his shoulders over a deep blue long-sleeved shirt. “Sure, Patton,” Thomas nodded, although he continued hold the boy’s delicate little hand. They both stayed quiet until the young version of Patton tilted his head and sighed. “So, this is really the end of our story? I always thought it would end differently. I’ve always wanted to die peacefully, with my family surrounding me, after leading a long, happy life. This isn’t very happy. But that’s okay. Sometimes we don’t get everything we want.”

Thomas put the play program back into the box, and then crossed his legs like Patton. “What’s going on?” he gestured to the dark bubble surrounding them and then to Patton. “What is this? Am I going insane? I’ve been seeing the strangest things in regard to Virgil.”

For a moment, Patton didn’t respond. Then he reached over and put a hand on where Thomas’s heart was. “This is all just a representation of what’s going on inside of you. The end is drawing closer, so you’re remembering me, your inner child. The person you were so long ago. The outside world doesn’t matter. It’s just us and your memories. Right now, Virgil is letting you be nostalgic. Ignore your underlying fears. How about we open this other box and see what’s inside? I’m sure you’ll find some interesting things.”

Doing as he was told, Thomas pulled the other box over and began taking out its contents. There were mostly old, printed-out stories of his from middle school. Doing as anyone else would do, he began to read them. After all, they were in no rush.

It was just Thomas, Patton, Virgil, and the fantasies of a world he could no longer dream of.


	15. The Corridor of a Million Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janus, Logan, and Roman enter the final part of their journey.

**_Janus:_ **

The Corridor of a Million Secrets was a place Janus hated sharing with other sides, including the other “Dark Sides”. It had been _his_ home first, when Thomas had first culminated into a living creature. The need for survival, the primal instinct to do whatever it took to live, had crafted his home in the deepest parts of Thomas’s mind. When Patton had developed soon after, Janus had hidden the corridor so well that Patton hadn’t been able to find him, despite knowing that someone else was lurking in the shadows of Thomas’s mind. When the two creativities formed, Janus had coaxed Remus into growing his Imagination from Janus's home, to forever keep away from Patton. Remus had been under strict orders to never venture inside of the hideaway.

That had changed when the seal on the door nearly exploded, the mark of Remus burned onto it forever. From then on, Remus was unable to resist going inside to invade Janus’s privacy. It was strange how short a time it took for Janus to become used to this. They spent those early years playing together amongst the whispers of secrets and lies, enjoying one another’s company, lying dormant in Thomas’s mind while Patton, Roman, and the new side, Logan, searched for them. Nobody would ever find them, though. It was them- just them- alone in the world. By the time… _he_ showed up, Janus had found it impossible to stay away from his best friend for long. They were two peas in a pod, and they did everything together. _He_ mostly hid somewhere else in the Imagination, leaving the two be.

Virgil was unexpected. The day he popped into existence, Janus had felt a strange connection between them. Unlike _him_ , Virgil tried to be friendly in his own way. The three of them became closer, almost like a little family. But Virgil’s appearance had changed something between Janus and Remus. It had changed _Thomas_. As time went on and Thomas went through his teenage years, Janus could feel himself growing jealous of any attention that Remus gave to Virgil. So many years passed, and the Dark Sides became more fragmented. Everything shattered for good after the fight.

Janus had confronted Virgil about the issue. _“Why did you take him away from me!?”_ At first, they had screamed at each other. Virgil had told Janus that he was making stuff up. _“I don’t know what you’re talking about, you think I fucking care about Remus!? He tried to bite my arm off last week!”_ They had hissed and spat, both thankful that Remus had disappeared off into his locked-up area of the Paradise of Fantasies, whatever that place was. They fought for so long that Janus started to forget why they were fighting in the first place. Finally, Virgil had said in a tired voice, _“Deceit… if you care about this so much, maybe I should just leave.”_

It was decided that Virgil was to leave. The Corridor of a Million Secrets had felt scarily empty without him. Janus regretted his decision, but he couldn’t go back on it now. The whispers had wrapped around his body. _I miss Virgil. I miss Remus. I love Remus. I love Remus. I love Remus._ Those feelings had cost Janus one of his only two friends in the world. He’d hoped dearly that those secrets would never be told to Remus.

So, as Janus, Roman, and Logan entered the Corridor of a Million Secrets, Janus wished more than anything that the other two would not hear of his secret. It had already cost him his relationship with Virgil, and he didn’t want to lose anything else. _Please, let Remus be okay. I can’t lose him. I need Remus._ Not only that, but if Thomas lost Remus… everything- _everything_ \- from that moment on would go wrong. They had already seen what damage it caused for the past week. _I could barely stay sane then… but forever is a long time._

The inside of the room was long, with stone pillars lining the way forward. It was almost like a throne room. The walls were covered in small, human mouths- almost like the Isle of a Thousand Teeth, but much less dangerous. The stone floor and pillars were of a deep gray, cracked and worn from time. Roman and Logan looked around, their faces unreadable. _I hate bringing them here. I’ve always tried to hide this place from the Light Sides- it’s us Dark Sides’ haven. But perhaps that divide is what caused this mess._ The hallway led far into the distance, and Janus couldn’t see Remus anywhere. Was he all the way at the end? _We’re going to have to walk a long ways’._ Hopefully, the mouths would not say something unwise.

The whispers grew louder the farther they went. _“I’m doing everything wrong.” “I’m scared.” “I don’t want to hide anymore!” “I just want them to listen to me!” “I want him back.” “Nothing I do can make up for the mistakes I’ve made.” “I wish they could love me.”_ Pinpricks of pain tingled on Janus’s skin with every secret revealed. _Only one of those is mine… secrets should not be revealed by those who hold no true power._ The Imagination should not be admitting the feelings deep within each of the sides. As they continued on, he could sense the other two tensing. _They can hear their voices amidst the whispers. We all have our secrets, and none of us want them to see the light of day._

Roman huffed loudly and crossed his arms, despite his injury. _I can’t believe he managed to evade that Preyfinder with a torn-open shoulder._ “How long is this corridor?” Roman seemed to be getting quite stressed- Janus could tell from the way his eyes flickered around them and his hunched shoulders, as if he were trying to protect his heart. _I wonder what his secrets are? What does he want nobody else to know about?_ Janus looked back at the path in front of him. “We should be nearing the end of it soon. If Remus isn’t there, then that means we are too late, and he has completely faded. When that happens… I don’t think you, Roman, will be able to get us out of here. If Remus disappears for good, this side of the Imagination will cease to exist- taking us with it. So, how about you stop complaining and we instead move faster?”

They settled back down into silence, letting the mouths speak instead. Janus felt comforted to be back in his home again after a week of being shut out, and yet something was different. _This place isn’t what it used to be._ There was a tension in the air like static electricity, and he could feel it getting stronger with each passing minute. _It probably has something to do with Remus. …Why couldn’t I have seen the signs? I should’ve been there for him. We spend all of our time together, and yet I still didn’t realize what his plans were. I’m such an idiot!_

The end of the hallway was a dark lounge. A long, flowery couch was placed against the wall, with a few chairs here and there around the central coffee table. There was a tall glass of water sitting on a coaster on the table, filled all the way to the top. Sitting on one of the chair cushions was an orange book without an illustrated cover or title- just _his_ symbol. _Good thing_ he _isn’t here right now._ But the most important piece of this scene made Janus’s heart skip a beat. On the couch laid an almost completely transparent man in a black-and-green outfit: Remus.

“Remus!” Janus rushed over to the couch and kneeled down beside Remus, patting at his arms. Remus’s back was turned to him, hiding his face. “Oh thank goodness, you’re still alive. Don’t ever try something like that again! Ugh, you’re such an idiot sometimes! Why would you ever duck out like this? If you had just talked to me about this, we could’ve sorted things out!” Janus frowned when his friend didn’t say anything. _What’s wrong with him?_ He pulled Remus onto his back so that he could see his face. Remus’s eyes were closed, the purple eyeshadow under them barely visible. _Is he asleep or dead? He can’t be dead. No, I won’t let him be dead. He can’t be dead! That’s impossible! Sides can’t die like that! They either are alive or they’re non-existent! There’s no in-between!_ “Remus, wake up!”

Slowly, Remus’s eyes flickered open and he smiled up at Janus. _Oh, I missed those eyes._ They made the breath escape Janus’s lungs, they made the world stop revolving. Tears dripped down his face as he took Remus’s hand and cradled his face with his other. “I _definitely_ want you to duck out forever, it’s not like Thomas’s life _depends_ on you or anything.” All the whispers of the corridor were saying the same words now. _“I want you more than anything else in the world.”_

“Let me sleep,” Remus mumbled groggily, staring back into his gaze. _Wait, what?_ “I’m so tired. Thomas doesn’t need me. All I do is hurt him, and you. I don’t want to be shunned anymore. Please, let me go, Janus. You can come with me, if you want.”

 _No._ No, this wasn’t how it was supposed to go. They were supposed to go back to Thomas now, that way they didn’t all die. This hadn’t been in the plan. _What am I going to do?_ “I- I can’t,” Janus choked out. His hands were shaking, and he wanted to scream. There were so many feelings flowing through his veins, thoughts competing in his mind. So many words to be said, so many moments to be shared. “You know I can’t. Remus, if you don’t come back, all four of us are going to die. You’re the only one who can get us out of here. You have to come back!” He squeezed Remus’s hand tightly, trying to cling onto what was left of his friend. Of what was left of the side he loved almost as much- or maybe just as much- as Thomas. “If you don’t come back now, you’re going to fade forever. We don’t have much time.”

“I know,” Remus squeezed Janus’s hand back. His green eyes glimmered faintly, and they were glued to Janus. Oh, did it feel amazing to be looked at by him. To be stared at. “I’m glad you came. I didn’t want to go without saying goodbye to you.” He glanced around Janus and dipped his head towards Roman and Logan. The two of them had sat down in the chairs, watching them with sad expressions on their faces. “Hi, there. Welcome to the Corridor of a Million Secrets! If you ever want to know what secrets Thomas’s mind holds, come here. Of course, it’ll probably be destroyed once I’m gone. Oh well, sorry, Janus. Looks like there’ll be one more thing I ruin before I go for good.”

A sickening feeling wound its way around Janus’s stomach. All of them were so pale and transparent. Was this really going to be the end of them? Would they talk quietly in the hall of mysteries, enjoying one another’s company before their demise? It felt wrong to have made it this far, only to fail at the one thing he had thought would be easy. _This isn’t fair._ Remus didn’t deserve to feel this bad. None of them deserved to disappear. Thomas didn’t deserve to become such a broken person. _I wonder how close he is to suicide? What has been happening in the real world? What have Patton and Virgil done while we trekked through Remus’s Imagination?_ Why did all of these terrible things happen to Thomas? All the dilemmas, all the missed chances. _Why couldn’t he just listen to me?_ Taking a moment to get ahold of himself- and failing-, Janus shook his head. “Oh yes, you ruin absolutely _everything_. It’s not like you’re the one person who has _ever_ made me happy. It’s not like you were _right_ about the situation with Nico.”

That comment made Remus’s smile brighten a little bit. “So, I was right? He wanted sex?”

“No,” Janus rolled his eyes sarcastically. “He tried taking off Thomas’s shirt while they were making out on Thomas’s bed because he wanted to break up with him. Of _course_ Nico wanted sex, but because you ducked out, Thomas sent him away after nearly having a panic attack. Remus, you not being with us is going to be Thomas’s undoing. We _need_ you.” _I need you,_ he added silently, but he didn’t say the words aloud.

None of them spoke for a long few moments. Janus could feel his consciousness starting to fade. His eyes were heavy, but he forced himself to keep them open. _I have to convince Remus to take us back._ It was then that a huge kick of adrenaline spiked through him, and he realized his body was glowing a bright yellow. **_Save Thomas,_** a deep voice from within him seemed to roar. It shocked him for a moment. _What’s happening to Thomas? Shit, is he going to kill himself?_ “We have to go _now_ ,” he hissed, shaking Remus again. “Something is happening to Thomas. I think Thomas is going to die. We have to go _right now_ , I have to get back to him. Remus, listen to me! He needs us- all of us!”

The Corridor of a Million Secrets was beginning to crumble around them. Bits of stone and earth were dropping from the ceiling and dust floated in the air. The mouths started chattering louder, their teeth clacking together. They were dying. Thomas was going to be left a shell of his former self- no, he was going to be _dead_ in minutes. Even from within a part of Thomas’s mind that was self-destructing, Janus knew that. Their forms were all barely a whisper of existence, some of the last remnants of Thomas’s personality. But what could Janus possibly do to convince Remus to change his mind? _He trusted me to save him, and I don’t know how to do that._ What was something that could motivate Remus to return? What could make him realize just how much they cared about him, how much _Janus_ cared about him? Was there such a thing? An idea sparked in Janus’s head and caught flame, and before he could think about it, he ran with it.

Janus leaned forward and kissed Remus.

It was like the soft glow of a small fire. Janus had his hands cupping Remus’s cheeks, their lips pressing together, and it felt _amazing_. Remus let out a muffled noise of surprise, but he quickly reciprocated. All Janus could think was _finally_. _Finally_ , they were kissing. After all this time, it was happening. The love that he had been keeping hidden away in his heart was being let free. For once, he was revealing his secrets. And from the way that Remus pulled him closer by the collar of his cloak, he knew that it had been a secret they had shared without knowing it.

In the corner of his eye, Janus could see that the Corridor of a Million Secrets’ decay was slowing, but he didn’t care. He didn’t want to stop kissing Remus. _Why didn’t I do this before?_ Those few years ago, Virgil had left because he’d known just how much Janus cared for Remus, and he didn’t want to get in the way. _I should’ve immediately told Remus how I felt, instead of wasting time. If I had done this earlier, I could’ve stopped this._ At least it was happening now. Their kissing had gotten much more passionate, and Janus found himself out of breath. He pulled back slightly to gulp in delicious air, smirking slightly at Remus. It was then that he realized- looking over Remus's shocked, yet joyful face, that his form had become fully real again. They _all_ were back to normal. Their transparency had faded, and their color had returned. No more pebbles and dirt fell from the ceiling. Everything was still. _Did… that work?_ It must have worked.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Janus, didn’t know you could be so… _passionate_ ,” Remus winked, making Janus roll his eyes. _This is what I get for trying to save Thomas._ Sitting up, Remus let out a shaky sigh. “Well, I certainly didn’t think it was going to require _that_ to snap me out of it, but I’ll _definitely_ take it! Thanks for coming all the way out here to see me! And uh, hi Logan? Didn’t think you’d be coming along for the ride.”

Logan stood up, straightening his tie. “Well, it’s a good thing I did,” he gave Roman a snarky smile. “I believe it would have been impossible for Roman to have survived even past the Isle of a Thousand Teeth. I saved his life three times during our entire journey. Your Imagination is truly fascinating, Remus- I especially enjoyed the Ruins of the Bloodied Knives.”

 _We don’t have time for this._ Janus took Remus’s hand again. “We can save the chit-chat for later. We need to get back to Thomas- I think something bad might be happening.”

Without a moment of hesitation, Remus snapped his fingers, and they disappeared.


	16. Stay Alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman, Logan, Janus, and Remus return to stop Thomas from making a permanent decision.

**_Roman:_ **

_“This is where I’ll be,” Remus plopped down onto the couch. They had finally made it through the long corridor. The mouths were especially creepy._ It’s almost as bad as the Isle of a Thousand Teeth. _Roman’s brother waved an arm around. “That’s all I needed to show you! Thanks for agreeing to do this. I promise you, if Thomas is going to survive, you’ll have to do this.”_

_Roman sat down in one of the two chairs. His eyes wandered about their surroundings before he finally settled on something to say. It had been dwelling on his mind ever since Remus had come clean about what he was feeling. “Remus, I can’t help but notice that you’re trying to keep what you’re feeling a secret from Janus. But I can tell that you want to tell him everything. And as an expert on everything romantic… I really think you should admit your feelings for him.”_

_A few moments passed before Remus was able to respond. “What?” he spluttered out. “What- what do you mean? How did- did the mouths in here tell you that? Ugh, I really hate this place sometimes.” His face darkened as he looked at the floor. “I’m not going to say anything to Janus. I can’t. Open feelings like that could complicate things. Maybe after you guys bring me back, but… I can’t do that to him. I know he likes me back, it’s so painfully obvious, but if we finally get together now? I’ll just disappear in a few months, and he’ll be devastated.”_

_“No!” Roman stood up with a flourish. This felt wrong. Feelings of love shouldn’t be thrown aside! He wasn’t going to let it happen. “Remus, only bad things will come of this! Just tell him how you feel, it’ll work out! You’ll be better off with him by your side. It might even prevent you from ducking out! If you don’t tell him, I will!”_

_“ **No, you won’t.** ” Before Roman could do anything, Remus leapt up and latched a hand onto his forehead, squeezing hard. A grunt of pain wrenched itself from Roman’s gritted teeth. “What- are you doing?” he hissed out. Remus clutched harder, his eyes glowing bright green with power. “ **This is**_ **my _Imagination. I can do whatever the fuck I want here. I can change_ you _. So, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. You won’t remember_ any _of this until I’m gone, until the time is right. This is for the best, brother. It won’t hurt a bit. You’re better off clueless._** _” The green glowing orbs were the last thing Roman saw as his vision went dark and he felt something being pulled out from his ears. It felt like long worms were grasping onto his brain, but they were being pulled out from his head. There was no pain, but it was the strangest feeling in the world. The sensation then faded, and his consciousness drifted off._

_He woke up in his own bed, wondering how the hell he got there._

Watching two other people kiss and finally show their true feelings was great and all, but the romantic aura coming from Janus and Remus was _powerful_. Roman could barely resist grabbing Logan and doing something unwise. As they sat in the two chairs and watching as Janus’s and Remus’s forms seemed to glow more brightly than before, Roman felt his energy returning in a flood of emotions. He needed to get up and dance, to sing his love for Logan to the world. But instead, he reached across the empty space between them and took Logan’s hand. The other looked over at him with a small smile on his face. _How long will this last? How long until we start fighting again, until he tells me that he hates me?_ Roman didn’t want to let go of that smile.

When Remus snapped his fingers, the whole world turned to dust. Or maybe _they_ had been the ones to turn to dust? Roman wasn’t sure. But for a flicker of a moment, he thought he saw someone standing before him. Before he knew it, though, he was standing in front of Thomas’s TV, dizziness overwhelming him. Logan was standing across from him, by the stairs, and Janus was to his right in front of the blinds. Remus was just next to him on his left, a bright smile on his face. But his companions weren’t what caught his eye. Sitting on the couch was Thomas, holding a knife that was pointed straight at his chest. Two children- they looked like… younger versions of Patton and Virgil?- were sitting on either side of him, clinging onto his arms.

A few moments passed and as Janus leapt over to the trio, Thomas screamed and dropped the knife onto the glass coffee table, effectively cracking it with a loud _clang!_ Patton and Virgil reverted to their normal forms so quickly that Roman thought he must’ve imagined the two children. Thomas’s scream died off quickly as he scrambled away from the knife, phasing right through Virgil and into the corner of the couch by the blinds. Both Virgil and Patton appeared next to him. _They really want to stick close to him._ Janus and Logan both approached them carefully. “Hey,” Janus whispered lightly, resting a hand on Thomas’s, “I’m back. You don’t have to worry about killing yourself anymore.” Logan nodded in agreement. He lightly held onto Virgil’s and Patton’s arms. “Everything is okay. You are safe. Nothing and no one is going to hurt you. Your apartment is safe. Your friends and family aren’t here right now, they are not judging you. You are okay.”

It was strange to watch the two sides comfort the others so readily. Roman had seen the soft side of Logan before a few times- when Remus had initially shown up, and even during their journey- but it was heartwarming to see it again. There was something off about the atmosphere, but he didn’t care. His eyes were on Logan. _He’s so compassionate when Thomas needs him to be… if only I could be that way, too._ And yet, Roman knew that compassion would never extend to him again. _I don’t know why Logan was acting the way he did, but it’ll be gone from now on._ It would hurt, but it was inevitable.

Virgil didn’t look that good. His eyeshadow was covering more than half his face. _He really looks like a raccoon now._ His bangs were covering his eyes completely, and his hood was up. There was something about his posture and stillness that worried Roman. _Something’s not right about him. Usually, he’d be unable to stop chattering, but he’s quiet now. Of course, Thomas was about to commit suicide, so something really bad must’ve happened. I hope it doesn’t affect Virgil too badly…_

Patton, meanwhile, was openly sobbing. He crashed Janus into a hug, holding onto his shoulders tightly. Janus looked extremely uncomfortable but didn’t shove him off. Roman couldn’t hear much of what Patton was mumbling, as he was standing across the room, but he heard the gist of it. _Virgil convinced Patton and Thomas that suicide was the best option, even if it would take a sharp knife to do it._ They had really been that desperate? What exactly had happened? Had Thomas’s friends abandoned him? Had Nico broken up with him? _That wouldn’t be a surprise._ But Roman didn’t ask. It was plain that none of the three wanted to talk about it in too much detail.

Thomas was taking in fast, heaving breaths. His eyes were stuck on the knife, which had fallen off the table and now laid on the brown carpet. It was just the regular butcher’s knife from the kitchen. _He was going to kill himself with that? That would’ve been the most painful thing in his life. To cut into his own heart… he would bleed to death. It would be slow, utter agony! Not to mention there might have been a chance someone would try to enter the apartment before he was dead. Ugh, I wish I knew all the facts!_ Roman was worried that he wouldn’t like what he was told, but that didn’t matter. He needed to know what had driven Thomas to such a point.

Beside him, Remus slumped into a seated position and leaned his head back against the desk that the TV was perched upon. _He must be exhausted._ Roman sat down beside him and smiled a little bit. “I can’t imagine how hard it was for you to erase my memory.”

Neither of them spoke for a long few moments before Remus sighed. “I was scared. And there were a lot of times where I thought about giving your memories back, maybe just for a little while. Telling you about how I was feeling made you… _nicer_.” He laughed a little bit, although Roman could tell it wasn’t a happy laugh. “Maybe if I had listened to your advice and told Janus, this could’ve been prevented. I don’t know why I didn’t, I just… I guess I wasn’t ready.”

Standing up and approaching them, Patton bent down in front of Remus and sniffed loudly. A look of pure regret was spelled out on his face. “Remus,” he began, taking a moment before he continued speaking. “I am so sorry about everything. About the way I’ve treated you for so long. For not ever listening to your reasoning or ideas. You are so important, in ways I never thought to imagine. I wish I could’ve realized this without you ducking out. We’re all supposed to work together to protect Thomas, but we also shunned you. You are just as valid as all of us. From now on, we’ll act like it.”

Leaning forward to take Patton’s hand, Remus gave him a reassuring grin. “It’s okay- thank you. I feel a lot better now than I did when I left. I think what I needed was just to be reminded that someone cared about me, and I was. As long as you guys let me be me, we’ll be fine! Maybe don’t tell me how to do my job in the future.”

 _This is it,_ Roman realized as he let his gaze travel around the room again. This was how their journey ended. Somehow, Janus, Logan, and Roman had made it through Remus’s Imagination and survived without dying. Roman’s shoulder was completely healed now, and his energy had returned. Despite how horrifying some of those creatures were… it had almost been fun. For the first time, Logan had been _kind_ to him. They had saved each other’s lives, and they had bonded. At least, he thought they had. But none of that mattered in the grand scheme of things. _We did all that to save my brother._ And now that he could remember those key memories of preparation, he felt so much closer to his brother. The jealousy and hatred had dissipated. _I thought I had it so bad, but Remus has been suffering for so long._ Without waiting another second, Roman snatched his brother into a tight hug. “I’m sorry too, Remus. I don’t know if you can ever forgive me, but I promise to be better. You’re so important. Without you, Thomas doesn’t know what’s bad- which makes him unable to enjoy what’s good.”

There wasn’t a spoken response, but Roman felt Remus’s arms hold him closer, and the two brothers breathed together. Finally, they existed as a pair instead of a broken mirror.

The moment they let go of each other, Remus was on his feet and pulling Janus away from Thomas by his shirt collar. “Where were we~?” he hummed mischievously, smashing their lips together in a fierce kiss. _Ugh, do they have to do that in front of the rest of us?_ Roman couldn’t help but think about the Paradise of Fantasies, and that man who had tried to force him into something that would haunt him forever. Janus was pinned against the side of the stairs while they passionately made out, but the half-snake man snapped his fingers and they disappeared, presumably to one of their rooms to continue. He could easily imagine where that was headed. _…Well, if that’s the kind of thing they enjoy, then I shouldn’t judge them._

“Thomas,” Logan cleared his throat to get the attention back on him. “You should engage in an enjoyable and relaxing activity to take your mind off the disturbing feelings you must have been going through while we were gone. It’s been four days since our departure, correct? I’m still piecing together some information that’s scattered around your mind.” He paused for a moment, and then spoke again. “Oh dear. I’ll update Janus, Roman, and Remus on those events you experienced later, but for now, you should really take some time for yourself. Or perhaps calling a few friends would be beneficial?”

“Yeah,” Thomas nodded faintly. He stood up, picking his phone up off the table and going into the kitchen. “Thanks, Logan. I think you’re giving me permission to eat a carton of ice cream, so before you can tell me that’s unhealthy, I’m going to eat it.” As he opened the freezer, Logan heaved a sigh and shook his head. “You really know me too well.”

 _What should I do?_ Janus and Remus had obviously paired up after the chaos of the adventure, but Roman still hadn’t voiced his own feelings. Should he take a risk and try to make his relationship with Logan more intimate? Dare he admit the love that made his heart stop, the love that made him want to hold Logan, to simply coexist with him? Logan was sitting only three feet away from Roman. If Roman moved a little closer, he could kiss his cheek. _It only takes a moment._ But even though he was supposed to be a knight, and knights were supposed to have courage, his bravery was failing him. He found himself staring longingly at Logan, every passing moment an agony that should be spread throughout a lifetime.

What made him scootch closer was the look that Virgil gave him from the couch. Virgil met his gaze and gave him a small, sad smile, tipping his head towards Logan as if saying, _do it._ If Virgil had the courage to tell Roman his romantic feelings and deal with settling for less, then Roman could at least do the former. _I have to do this._ So, he moved closer to his target and said in a quiet tone, “Logan, I… I love you.”

This got Logan’s attention. He turned to look at Roman, his expression unreadable. When he didn’t say anything, Roman decided to keep going. “I know you probably can’t possibly even think about being with someone, since you’re Logic. You’re always talking about how you can’t feel anything. I just couldn’t go on without saying anything. You and your ideas matter more to me than anything else, besides maybe Thomas’s dreams. And I know that everything I stand for is an insult to you, but… does it have to be?”

Without any hesitation, Logan leaned closer to him and took his hand, a look of confusion on his face. “Are… you ‘confessing’ your love for me? I apologize, I thought we had already been courting throughout our entire adventure. We saved each other multiple times- at least, I did- and we had some banter. In any case, you need not be afraid of any rejection from me. Although I cannot feel romantic or sexual attractions towards anyone, I do enjoy you greatly. I apologize for coming across as otherwise before now. I do admit that yes, at times it is difficult to grasp onto the meaning of some ideas you suggest to Thomas, but you are truly spectacular. I already told you that you are the most important side concerning Thomas’s life. I thought it was clear that I also meant that you are the most important side to me.”

Roman was speechless. _…What?_ This was harder to accept than if Logan had turned him down. “You…” The hand holding his felt like it was burning. _This is real._ Forcing himself to say something, Roman took a deep breath and hugged Logan. “I don’t need anything sexual, Logan. That’s Remus’s department. As long as we’re together, I’m happy.”

***

Right before Thomas went to bed after having two extremely phone calls with Nico and Joan, they all gathered around the sink. The cupboard door beneath it was open, the trash can sitting inside. They were all silent, staring at the bowl of carrots in Thomas’s hands. Without any communication between them, he tipped the bowl and the carrots spilled out into the bin.

It was sign that all of this was over. The carrots were gone. The torture would fade.

Tomorrow, they would start a new day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the end of Stay Alive.
> 
> This was my second Sanders Sides project, after I finished Lies. If you started this book without reading that series, then you must not have expected the contents of this book. I apologize to everyone who didn't realize just how triggering this story would be. Despite my warnings in my activity posts and at the beginning of this post, people continued on reading. I do thank you for your support, but I plead you to not read anything else that might trigger you. It is very dangerous to do so. If you are suffering from any of the intrusive thoughts Thomas had in this book, please seek help immediately.
> 
> I'm not exactly sure what sparked the idea for this book. I knew I needed another project to work on once Lies was finished, but I didn't want it to be long. I wanted it to be about Remus, because truly, Remus deserves a lot of discussion and thought. There are a lot of ways the canon series could take his character, and I want to be just as responsible as I'm sure Thomas & Co. will be when they handle him. This book is about intrusive thoughts, plain and simple, and how it can affect someone who has fallen into depression. To be honest, this book is basically Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts but on a much larger, much darker scale. I really want people to know that sometimes, you will think awful things. But those thoughts will pass. I promise. Things will get better. Don't make a decision that will permanently end your beautiful person.
> 
> When I was writing Chapter 15, I realized that this story is not over. Just because Remus was fully accepted doesn't mean that everything that happened in this book can be forgotten. In the future, I am going to write a sequel called Keep Living. It will have a similar premise to Stay Alive. I'm unsure whether it'll be even more disturbing than this book, as I only have a very basic idea of the plot, but it will certainly be scary. There will most likely be a lot more action. But Virgil still has some issues to deal with. There might be a third book, but as of right now, I have no clue as to if and when that will become a reality. As for Keep Living, I will not be writing it right now. I am going to take a nice break from writing fanfiction for an undetermined amount of time, and whether Keep Living is the fanfic I write when I return, I have no clue.
> 
> In any case, thank you for reading this book. I hope this "ending" has satisfied you for the time being, until the next book begins. Especially to all the people who commented and gave me feedback. You're the ones who keep me going to crush your hearts for 9/10 of a book and then make everyone kiss at the end. Thank you.
> 
> I wish you a good night/day. Keep on fighting- the world needs you.


End file.
